blstern Imposter e-mail Volume #5 (The Party)

Yet another case where the impostor blstern is living a better life than me. Now this bastard is getting invited to parties over in England. WTF is up with that?!?!? The email that was sent is quite short, there was and attachment that gave really good details of the location and particulars of the party.

But for legal reasons I have decided to leave that out of this post. You’ll just have to take my word for it. It was about a party… In England…. And it looked fucking great.

Dear All Please see attached for general sort of plan (ish) for June.
I hope you can all make it – no I do, really. Don’t worry about the cost of the meal, as long as you enjoy yourselves is reward enough. I will probably just have a pizza.


I’ve never been invited to a party in England before…. Now that I’ve thought about it, I haven’t been invited to a party period. But I better not let them know that. I’ll respond to this invite with the diligence and dignity I’m sure they expect in England.


I have few questions about your party. Your answers will help me to know what to pack.

Will there be clowns, I hope not! My pet cat Stinkers was molested by a evil clown named Humpy the Bobo. He is in jail now but the memory lingers and I’ll never be the same. (Not to mention Stinkers)

Will you have creamed corn dishes? I just love creamed corn, if you are not having anything with creamed corn I will bring my own.

Also will there be belly dancing? If so I will bring my outfit and records. I do this really cool creamed corn dance I’m sure you will all love.

Will cannibalism be looked down upon at this party? Just asking…

Will there be a sacrifice at midnight? If so, will that be midnight your time or GMT?

Does anyone know how to play the spoons? If so please uninvited them; my father was disemboweled by a freak spoons accident and it would be too horrific for me to have those memories resurface.

Can we bring people we don’t know to your country and just leave them there? That could be pretty funny!

How often will shots be fired into the crowd?

Is this one of those, “Must Wear Pants” type of parties?

Do I need to bring my own whipped cream?

How far back do your police records go in your country?

How many bodies could you fit in the trunk of an average British sedan?

Thanks for the info, looking forward to this party!!!

Big Hugs,

The Artist formerly know as blstern

Those Brits are a funny sort. They just don’t seem to get our sense of humor.

Dear blstern

I am some what worried with your last response. I may have to un-invite you.



Oh no! I had better fix this… for the real blstern’s sake.


If it weren’t for my corn flakes telling me to be nice to you, I wouldn’t even answer your…. Hold on a second………. My Lucky Charms told me to check your ID before responding.




But you can call me….. Tim?

There we go, that should set things straight.

Dear blstern,

Your current emails have taken a dark turn. Are you taking your medications.

U are scary.


I don’t think I’m scary….. Hmmmmmmmm


The real scary part is that I’m answering your emails from inside your house……


The b stands for…………………… booby

hahaha you thought I was going to say blood didn’t you?

Maybe next time.

Still waiting for directions….

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