Album Review, A Gay Ranchero

If I may make one suggestion, go out and find a place that sells records (LPs) and buy this album immediately! You will thank me later.

Let’s dissect the the tracks.

  1. Tico Tico: This song is the story of Lamberto who finds out that Tico (his gay lover) has been cheating on him with a woman, Helgalo. Lamberto’s only recourse is to ass-rape Tico while shopping for donkey hair at the market. Rank 8.8/10
  2. A Gay Ranchero: This song sets the mood for introducing the listener to the many moans and groans you hear from sheep and cows when their owner masturbates on them. While not necessarily the worst sound in the world, it is quite annoying. Rank 7.5/10
  3. Migliav Acca: Lamberto whines constantly about the diseases he’s endured during his gay experience with Tico. We find out that Migliav is Lamberto’s long-lost brother who recues Lamberto from the brink of despair. Quite touching! Rank 9.9/10
  4. My Florence: Once remade into the popular song My Sharona by The Knack, this original song tells the tale of 4 days and 5 nights of constant anal rape with the occasional kiss thrown in for good measure. The song really shows off the true greatness one can achieve with an accordion. Rank 8.7/10
  5. The Flight of the Bumble Bee: This song is the worst song on the album. The chorus is awful; the melodies suck; the lyrics suck. Basically, this is a song about the physics required for a bee to fly through the air. I don’t care about lift, drag, and slipstream. Rank 1/10
  6. Poema: I like poems. Poems make me happy. Poems about ass raping are sad. This song is sad. I LOVE THIS SONG! I mean, musically, of course. The lyrics suck. Rank 9.2/10
  7. Coquette Polka: Really, do we need another polka song? YES!! This is freakin’ sweet man. With the occasional foot-stomp, this will sure to rise to the top of the charts. Rank 8.5/10
  8. Dark Eyes: When you’re gay, and you get nearby another gaybo, your eyes get really dark. This song explains the how & why of this scientific phenomenon. If nothing else, it’s interesting. Rank 6/10
  9. Zorba’s Dance: zomg, ur pwned if you hate this one! This has got to be the best track on the album! Filled with the harmonic escapades of queers dancing well past midnight, you’ll be enchanted from the opening squall to the deliciously-beautiful smack-smack of testes. Rank 11/10
  10. El Relicario: Also known as The Relic. I’ve seen this movie before, and it sucked. I will admit, this song had be me at the first verse of “Oh lovely sunset, why must you make me less gay?” Rank 7.8/10
  11. La Muchacha De: Don’t be confused by the literal translation of this song (The Girl of). Basically, Lamberto is confused about his sexuality because of girl. The girl turns out to be a she-male. She force Lamberto on his knees while he is to … uh, you get the idea. Rank 5.5/10
  12. Fuego: Having been humiliated by his family for being ultra-gay (see album cover for proof), Lamberto sets fire to his family while sleeping. All survived, except Lamberto’s gerbil, who suspiciously was not in his cage. Rank 7.2/10
  13. Bel Viso: When Lamberto was a little gay boy, his ashamed mother and father decided to accept him for who he was by throwing a party. This song is about the first time Lamberto is beaten to near-death by his cousin Velepe with a dildo. This song is excruciatingly soothing. Rank 9.5/10
  14. Beer Barrel Polka: The name of this song is a tad misleading. Instead of beer, replace with vomit. Instead of Barrel, replace with crack. Replace polka with Slam dance. Why? Because you will vomit the crack you just smoked while you slam dance to the beat of this hip and upbeat tune. Find a partner and swing her ’round! Rank 9.4/10
  15. Los Rancheros: Taken literally, this translates to “the mess orderlies”. Am I to believe this song is about some kitchen assistances? Well, turns out it is. But, they’re gay. And Lamberto loves them all. Rank 7.9/10
  16. The Jolly Cabellero: If you’re ever likened to be jolly, then 9 times outta 10, you’re as queer as it gets. Lamberto knows this for a fact, so he wrote this song to help his fellow buddies out when they’re stuck in the same toilet stall as him. Lamberto is so gay (see album cover) that even his gay friends kick his ass for being gay. Rank 8.9/10
  17. Carnival of Venice: Every year in Venice, Italy, the really queer people line the street for the city’s largest parade. That pretty-much leaves no one at home. Unless you’re female, all Italians are gay (look at Fabio if you don’t believe me). I don’t know how babies are made over there. Anyway, Lambert travels from his native Mexico to swim the murky waters of Venice while millions of Venetians empty their nutsacks into the canals. Superb! Bravo! Rank 10/10

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