This is one of my earliest attempts to get millions from the ever so rich country of Nigeria. The problem I had with this exchange is that…. Well, there is no exchange. I went for the money shot right away and never got a response. However I do like the e-mails I sent so I decided to share them with my adoring audience. (Plus I get paid by the word)
Hello Crotum ,
My name is Mr. Jerry Charles, a Banker with one of the leading banks here in Abidjan Cote d Ivoire West Africa; I am the personal accounts manager to Mr. Brian Stern, who used to be a contractor with an oil servicing company based here in Cote d’Ivoire. My client, his wife, and their three children were involved in the ill fated Kenya Airways crash on the coasts of Abidjan in January 2000 in which all passengers on board died.
Since then I have made several inquiries to locate any of my clients extended relatives but have been unsuccessful. I decided to trace his last name over the internet, to see if I could locate any members of his farmily hence I contacted you. Of particular interest is this large deposit with our bank here, where the deceased has an account valued at about ($15 million US dollars) They have issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or the bank will declare the account unserviceable
And thereby send the funds to the government treasury. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over last 5 years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account valued at can be paid to you and then you and I can share the money. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under all legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. If you can handle this with me, reach me by sending the following informations now :
1. Your Name
2. Postal Address
3. Date of Birth
4. Telephone and fax numbers
5. Profession with position
Thanking you for your anticipated cooperation.
Here is my premature ejac-u-kill-shot. I need to learn to hold it.
Dear Mr., Charles in Charge,
I do have an uncle named Brain that at one time was in Germany. So I guess he could have made it to Kenya. If this truly is my uncle Brian I’m am devastated to hear of his passing. I must admit that I’m surprised that he was married with children. My uncle Brain was gay and living with a cross dresser named Gary. I guess he may have realized the Christian religion was correct and his wicked ways were leading him to Hell and changed his ways. Or Gary could have gotten that sex change operation he always was talking about. I wonder how they got the kids though. Do you know if sex change recipients can have children?
Well anyway I’m sorry to hear about their passing and hope they have all found peace. So how do I get this money you are talking about? Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to sound like a greedy bastard and all. But uncle Brain has owed me money ever since he was fired from the Oral Boy Escort Service back in 1998. I had to loan him $50 (American, not that crappy foreign money) for condoms and mouth wash. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN ON RED CENT OF IT BACK.
So please let me know what I have to do to get this money. Please e-mail me as soon as possible; for this money would come in very handy for the worm farm business I’m starting. You may want to invest some of your own money in it as well. Worm farms are the next big kids toy here in the states. So what do the kids play with where you are from? I imagine it must be like rocks and severed heads and stuff like that.
Once again thank you for contacting me and let me know what I have to do.
Harry S. Crotum
After a good two weeks and no reply, I spewed this money shot.
Dear Jerry (evil donkey) Charles,
It has been some time and I have not heard back from you on this. I thought we had really hit it off there and I’m surprised you have not responded. Have you ever seen that movie of the one lady that had three daughters, one was gay, one was a bitch and the other was retarded…. Or did she have an extra foot????? I believe she was retarded, not that slightly “Rain Man” retarded that you fall in love with and could think about doing if you had enough beers in you. But REALLY retarded, like wear a bike helmet in the bath tub so you don’t get hurt retarded. But the mother seems to have more in common with the tardo daughter and enjoys her company more than the other two. Not really sure why… Maybe the mother is some sort of freak that gets off on tards and shit.
Well anyway, that is how I thought of our relationship. I’m the mother and you’re the retarded daughter that I never had and would like to get to know better. The only thing that would make this better would be if we were both rich. Because lets face it, if the mother in the movie was not rich I bet she would have abandoned the tard daughter a long time ago. I would never abandon you but I sure as heck wouldn’t spend much time with you if I didn’t have a lot of money to keep you busy.
So let’s get to getting me this money. What do I have to do to get it?
Because this has taken so long, I had to give up on my Worm Farm dream. But if we can work this out in time I may be able to invest in the book my brother-in-law is writing. It’s called, “The wicked Adventures of Cat Fart and Beaver Boy”. It will be the next Harry Potter I swear!!!! Do you read where you come from or do you have to use all your paper for toilet paper and Voo-Doo dolls?
Well golly I’m rambling, I’ll let you go for now and will dream of the day I can take a Vanilla Pudding bath with six horny Japanese girls, a Pope look-a-like and an angry hamster in the town church and be able to pay for all law suits that may come from it.
Harry S. Crotum
The S stands for hard work and squirrel pelts.
Sigh… No response.
Sort of like getting laid and she never calls… Hey, now that I think about it, that’s not so bad.