The Many Faces of Bennett

Annually, the editors of Hot Lard get together to partake in a long held, deeply emotional, movie extravaganza. What is this movie that tears apart from our families each year? None other than Commando, starring Arnold Strong Schwarzenegger. This is one of the greatest action movies ever. Here’s why:

  • This movie is filled with one-liners galore
  • Arnold kills so many people, many of them cardboard cutouts
  • The moviegoer isn’t bothered with our favorite hero having to worry about reloading (that’s the beauty of suspension of belief)
  • Drinking games have evolved (which, is why we get together in the first place)
  • The villain is one of the greatest anti-heroes ever to be cast.

That last bullet is the reason for this entry. I want to talk about Bennett … John Matrix’s opponent. Never in the history of Arnie movies have we seen such a crazed psychopath give Arnie a run for his money (Kindergarten Cop‘s villain was a weak and abused child … he simply followed orders given by his equally-deranged mother).

We’re going to be showing some scenes from Commando of Bennett and I’m going to describe what you don’t see in the movie. I’m going to break down the facial expressions and body language of Bennett. This is stuff you won’t see, hear, or read in any DVD supplements.

At the beginning, we see Bennett setting up his untimely murder. He had a rough day yesterday kidnapping Matrix’ daughter. Notice the chainmail clothing beneath his jacket. It looks like he went to Wal-Mart and bought all the dog collars and stitched them together. I wouldn’t expect a Knight to be caught dead wearing this stuff. Right now, he’s thinking about taking a dump. If you zoom in really close, you can see a slight bead of sweat developing beneath the right-side of his hairline. All that airline travel hasn’t help his ever-growing bowel problems. There’s only so much laxative a villain take ingest and still look badass in front of his cronies.

As you can see above, Bennett had one last dog collar leftover from assembling his chainmail outfit. Since he threw away his Wal-Mart receipt, he had no choice but wear it. And, once again to not look like a pussy in front of his cronies, he decided to wrap it around his neck. This scene clearly shows Bennett’s inability to contain his flatulence problem. The Val Verde food is doing murder on his gut. Right now, he’s bending over in a failed attempt to save his one single pair of underwear. He’s desperately trying to hold in a juicy donkey-choker during a conversation with Jenny Matrix.

Bennett just can’t get enough of his popular chainmail.  Here we see Bennett telling the funny story about how he had one dog collar left over and how extra badass he looks now.  The guy who’s back is to us is the successor to the current President of Val Verde (who John Matrix is told to kill).  What you won’t see on any DVD extras is the facial expression of this guy (who happens to be the dad in Clueless with Ms Silverstone).  Bennett is sucking up the stench left by this guy who just shat all over the hardwood floors of his palace.  You see, Bennett is a crazed-psychopath who loves nothing more than making people feel bad for no other reason than it gives him pleasure.

In the end, Bennett finally gets the relief he’s desired.  Just before he’s about to attack Matrix, Bennett unloads 4 gallons of fecal matter in his leather pants.  The hot gooey mess has flooded his boots, spilling over onto the floor, making it extremely slippery.  This is just the edge Bennett was looking for when the time came to fight Matrix in knife-to-hand combat.  Bennett believes the viscosity of the runny poo will render Matrix unable to adequately defend his attacks.  Additionally, the odor will distract Matrix and give himself a clear shot at knifing Matrix … sending him to his ultimate resting place.

WRONG!

Bennett fails to realize the extensive training Matrix has received from General Kirby … the famed General who’s last name instills fear to all no-gooders.  Matrix is able to hold back the gag reflex found in normal humans and defeat Bennett in a brutal, and fatal, steam pipe javelin throw to the midsection.

Here we witness one of the greatest final words of a dying man ever spoken:

Bennett, “John … I’m not gonna shot you between the eyes … GONNA SHOT YOU BETWEEN THE BALLS!

God I love this movie.

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