blstern impostor email, Volume #3 “The Report”

This is by far my favorite impostor blstern e-mail to date. I guess this other blstern must be a pretty important person. He seems to get a lot of e-mails asking for his advice on or approval for things. Don’t they know that the true blstern is a slacker hell bent on masturbating to old pictures of the Olsen twins and showing off his double beef and cheese burrito farts at the old folks home.

Well anyway, in this email I have been charged with creating a very important report for a group that the other blstern is a chairman for.

Dear Committee Chairs,

Please send me your committee reports, asap, if you have anything to inform the Directory. If you do not, please tell me so I can properly prepare the meeting notes. Thanks very much.


I know that it was meant for the other blstern to create the report but hey, they fucking sent it to me damn it! I’ve never really created a report before so I wanted to see if I was up to the challenge. Who knows, maybe I can have a career in report writing and stuff.

Dear Hair Club for Men members,

Here is my report in full of the things that need to be reported and stuff. To start I need to tell you that there is a lot of things that need to be reported. If they do not get reported they would never be known and won’t be in our “Report”. So here is the report by me as I see it and report it to you the other report givers. This report is the information I have chosen to report to you the said club members that needs this information for their reports so we may conclude the final report. This report will be truthful and full of really neat information that should make our complete report one for the ages. First I must report to you all that it makes me happy and squishy inside to be included in this report process that all you other report givers go through. I only hope my report can hold up to what I’m sure will be a grand report given by all of you. In conclusion my report will start now.

That reminds me of a funny story. The other day I was throwing bologna at my evil cat Freddy. Freddy is evil because he takes my credit cards and maxes them out on catnip and kitty porn. I use the thick sliced bologna when throwing at Freddy because it seams to get his attention a lot better than the thin sliced. Sometimes though, I will shoot my paint-ball gun in his eye … I do that for kicks. Freddy doesn’t like it, and he poops all over my trailer. The smell really isn’t that bad though!

Have you ever tried to get an evil cats attention? It’s hard!! Especially Freddy since he is partially retarded. You see, after one of our more exciting rounds of, “Catch the Salad Fork”, Freddy suffered some pretty bad head trauma. I was afraid to take him to the doctor, because of the whole Satan threatening to kill me if I’m caught out in public thing and all. You understand. So I used some duct tape and wall grout to patch him up real nice-like.

Funny thing about infections; they seem to come out of NOWHERE! So Freddy gets this big infection and that is when I heard the voice. It wasn’t that booming voice you’d expect to hear from God. It was more of a soft whisper that was really hard to hear. It told me to gather two of each animal and place them in garbage cans for safe keeping. Or, it could have been, “Eat a grilled cheese sandwich and marry Ferris Beuhler”. I’m trying both to see which one works out better. That reminds me, do you have a female red headed African dung Beetle I could have?

Do you know what else is funny? Ear lobs. Think about it … “ear lobs”. That is some funny stuff man!!

Speaking of Illinois, it’s time for me to go. But don’t worry; I’ll be hanging around your neighborhood this week so I may see you. Let’s do something fun. As long as it is not in public, as Satan is still on my tail. Plus there is that whole being “Wanted” in 16 states thing.

I’ll be wearing cutoff blue jean shorts (pretty high up the thigh too). I have this wonderful pink half-cut shirt that I’m going to wear. You won’t be able to miss me hanging outside your apartment building. Oh, can I borrow your electric shaver too? My back hair is getting unruly.

I’ll see yah soon

Love and Kisses

P.S. What ever you do, don’t call me Erma.

P.S.S. I almost forgot… I have nothing to report.

Happy Arbor Day

What I forgot to mention earlier was that the report request e-mail was originally sent out to some 15 to 20 people. So I of course sent my report to all of them. Below are a few of the responses I received from my fellow board members.

Dear Brat, I mean Borat, I mean Blurt, I mean Blstern,

Lemme know if you ever decide to put Freddy up for adoption. My doctors all say I could really use a playmate.

Happy New Year!


I can see that “J” could use a friend.

When the time comes you’ll be the first person I’ll call. But keep it to yourself. I’d hate to have him find out and steal my car again.


Not Erma

Another reply.

Thanks for the REPORT!
You are the BEST!

My response to “M”


I try…

Avoid tunnels at all cost!


Yet another response…

Dear Blstern,
I loved it but it made my funny bone hurt which reminds me…..

I think that “AA” is making a pass at me. Better take advantage of this.

It’s time to get new Bones?


One last reply.

Blstern, you are really starting to come out of your shell.
That was great.


Wow thanks “W” That was a really nice thing to say.


Thank you, that really means a lot coming from you… A few more compliments like that and I may get up the courage to stop sleeping with my mommy.

I have corn in my poo.

Will you be my friend?


I’m still waiting to hear back on if they used my report or not. This work stuff is really hard.

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