Hot Lard Greeting Card’s

With the holiday season just around the corner. It is time for all of us to start thinking about greeting cards.

Happy X-mas

Happy Halloween

Happy Hanukkah

Happy Butt Jelly Day

You know, that last one brings me onto the subject of this post. There are some greeting card subjects out there that I feel are not used or celebrated enough. I feel that as a nation we miss out on to many opportunities to wish someone a happy muscle pulling day, sorry to hear your fake plants died. Or the frequently missed,” I heard your uncle left you a lot of money. Did you know I swallow”? card .

I have put together a small list of greeting card subjects that you may use for that special someone.

Enjoy!

Congratulations on completing your rehab!
Don’t sniff this card because the ink could make you
high and then you’d relapse and soon we would find you
back on the street giving away anal for a warm place to sleep again.
—————————————————————————————–

After all these years I just want to say,
“Thanks for holding me back”.
————————————————————-

Happy Ransom Day!
Follow the instructions in the note and your wife won’t get hurt.
——————————————————————————————-

Heard your dog died….
I know this Korean restaurant that will give top dollar….
———————————————————————————-

Happiness is a warm shower…
Unless that is a golden shower…
Of course that may be happiness for you if you get
into that sort of thing… Sicko.
———————————————————————————-

There is nothing like the warm feeling you
will get when your child comes up to you and asks,
“Father, who is my real daddy?”
Imagine the joy you will get when you say,
“Some black guy”
———————————————————————————
I miss you so much,
Even last nights orgy with three cheerleaders didn’t help.
By the way, I can too place it in there!!!
———————————————————————————-

So you’re getting married!
Is this really the one?
Or did you get so old it was time to settle?
———————————————————————————-

Congratulations on your retirement!
You’re useless now.
—————————————————–

Roses are red
Violets are Blue…
You know what else is red?
Blood…
Yeah that’s right….. Your blood
Your blood glistening on a knife…
My knife.

——————————————————–

You don’t know me…
But I know you…
Very well. I watch you at night, when you’re asleep.
I have a life sized SPAM doll of you…..
That I sleep with….
It has you’re hair….
I got it from your trash can..
START ANSWERING MY LETTERS DAMN IT!!!
If I can’t have you no one will…
Happy Arbor Day.
————————————————————————-

So you went to Hollywood and got yourself on a TV show.
Congratulations!
I watched it the other night….
You’ll be back to giving away anal for a warm place to sleep in no time.
———————————————————————————————————-

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I have known you and your spouse for my entire life and
know that this blessing from God will be just like you both.
Here is a list a names I think would work..
Damien
Hitler
Lizzy Borden
Crack Whore
———————————————————————————————-

Happy Belated Birthday!
Sorry for the late card but……
I really thought you were dead.
———————————————————-

This is just little something to
let you know we are thinking of you.
You are still 90 days past due, immediate payment is needed
or legal actions will be taken.

———————————————————————

Happy New Year 2008!!!
Remember, the end will come May 2, 2008.
Have you stalked and captured your virgin yet?
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