Never Listen to Dear Prudence

Occasionally I’ll read the Dear Prudence article over on Slate.com.

This week’s opening letter is especially hilarious. Barefoot and Not-So-Pregnant writes:

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have separate bank accounts, with a joint account for bills. Since we make roughly the same amount of money, the bills are split 50/50 through the joint account, and the rest of our personal paychecks are for ourselves to spend as we wish. About two years ago, we happily decided together to have a baby. I couldn’t conceive, and the doctors put me on a cocktail of hormones. The drugs are not covered by insurance, neither are the ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. This is an expense I have shouldered on my own. It has added up, and I find myself more and more in debt. My husband has seen how much I spend on all of these treatments, but has yet to offer to help with the financial burden. I’ve tried to be subtle—I once asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on the way home from work, but he has never done it since—but now I just want to scream at him every time I come home with another prescription and he comes home with another man-toy! It’s bad enough that I already feel like it’s my fault we haven’t conceived, but by not sharing in the financial aspects of this process, I feel even more alone. Am I off base to ask him to help pay for treatments for a problem that is “mine”? Or is it just the overabundance of hormones that make me want to freak out on him?

I’d like to take it upon myself to answer Barefoot and Not-So-Pregnant:

Dear Dumbass,

First, congratulations are in order for finding one of the millions of man-toy-loving guys. Unfortunately, since you’re a dummy, there is nothing you can do … nor should you even attempt to try to stop your loving husband from buying his man-toys. You see, you’re not cute to him anymore. That is why he’s buying blow-up dolls (the kind with surprised looks) every time he gets off work. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with him. I want you to starting living as a gay women. Do you know what sex is?

I have a personal question … what do you look like?  If you don’t look like this woman, you need to change your attitude and start loving your man for who AND what he is.

janice_dickinson_1.jpg

In closing, you should really just forget about living.  If you can’t bear a child, your man is going to leave you soon anyway.  Even though he doesn’t know it yet, your man needs to impregnate a mate.  That’s just what guys need to do.  But, don’t worry … he won’t stay with his next mate.  Chances are he’ll come crawling back to you once he finds out you’re screwing his brother … that is unless you haven’t killed yourself as I already suggested you do.  Wait … don’t do that.  You’ll be fine after the surgery.

Good luck there missy … and, try not to whine so much.  Guys don’t like whiny bitches.

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