Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post
This is a true story, that happened to me during my younger drunken days of college. It has since been known as the legend of toilet bowl. It all started one cold ass Fall night, my buddy had just broken up with a long time GF. That night, he wanted to get “Fucked Up.”
We went to a local campus bar, where we proceeded to get obliterated with his friends. This is the same bar where the infamous pitcher of Guinness through a straw event happened but that’s another tale for another time. After having a good 8 drinks in him, Toilet Bowl decided to hit on a really hot girl at the bar. He turns to me to give me the thumbs up sign and what do I see? A woman-cow sneak up and switch places with her while his back was turned. This is the kinda girl that would make you want to go Lorena Bobbit on yourself. Imagine the girl below without a bra and you’ll only start to see the train wreck that was coming:
When my friend turned around he saw this whale of a woman, and half intentionally said out loud “damn that bitch is fat.” We then got up and moved to another bar where the scenery was a bit more to our liking. After draining the bar of most of their liquor, it was closing time. Our group of friends wanted to keep drinking so we headed back to my place. Toilet Bowl at this point was doing hallway ping-pong trying to walk.
Once at my place we began mixing drinks, and Toilet Bowl began loudly shouting that he needed a drink. Not wanting to waste good booze on a total drunk, I dug deep into my cabinet and discovered a bottle that time had forgotten. Once long ago we had a party where someone had left a bottle of strawberry Smirnoff vodka. There was around 1/3 of the bottle left, so I unscrewed the cap and handed him the bottle, told him if he could dispose of the bottle he could have another drink. He did so in surprisingly fast fashion, and then proceeded to let out one of the best belches I have ever heard.
This was where the night began to wind down, Toilet Bowl ended up puking multiple times, and found a resting spot on the floor where he was rolling back and forth, moaning like a beached whale. Everyone laughed at him then dispersed slowly, I passed also passed out for the night.
The next morning I awoke to the sound of intermittent static. Still a bit drunk I looked at my clock and it was 9 fucking 30. I stumbled to my door opened it to see a maintenance man in my apartment, when I stepped out of my room I felt wet squishy carpet underneath my feet. See I lived on the second floor of the apartment complex; apparently the girls that lived below me called in saying there was water coming through their ceiling. My buddy sometime during the night had fallen into the toilet … shattering it.
The total damage done was around $350 and my good friend now had the nickname of Toilet Bowl. Luckily, I was not kicked out of my apartment. And, I have a pretty good story to tell to my kids when they turn 5 and began to learn the wonderful taste of alcohol.
The moral of the story is, always wear a good shirt to the bar, and don’t shart yourself.