Lately I have started to see more and more emails on increasing my “Manhood”. At first I thought this was some manly self help to instruct us less manly men in the ways of manliness. Like killing a bear and skinning it, or engine repair of a Ferrari. But alas it came down to the one thing that many men care most about. Their dicks.
I guess someone out there discovered a long lost tropical root that will increase the size of the male member by 1 to 37.6 inches in 30 minutes or some stupid shit like that. And knowing that such a breakthrough in science could bring about world peace, a renewable energy source, and discovery of the mythical female orgasm. They needed to get the word out fast, to as many people as possible, as many times as they could. And what a better way of doing this than by jamming my in-box full of, “Increase you Manhood” emails.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for free enterprise and I’m no prude. But I feel these emails have gotten a little crude since they first started showing up. I remember getting emails from Dr. S. Crotum;
Subject: “Increase your manhood 1 to 3 inches”.
And for those retards who did not know what a manhood was, you would also see;
Subject:”Increase your penis size by 1 to 2 inches”.
For some reason you seemed to always get an extra inch out of the manhood sellers.
As time went on these emails started to get more to the point of calling us all shrimp dicks.
“My boyfriend keeps popping out”
“My boyfriends dick is to big for my mouth”
The real problem I had with these e-mails was that some of them appeared to be coming from men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a homophobe or gay basher or anything like that. But as a life long lover of the opposite sex, it is very hard for me to get interested in a product when I get an email from “Chuck” stating;
“My boyfriend shot such a big load in my mouth, I needed CPR”.
EEW, I need a shower and have the urge to go bowling.
I feel it’s time for these emails to come out and really say what this product can do for you tiny dick freaks. They need subject lines that will jump out a slap that peanut dick of yours into submission and buy their product without even having to open the email. So what I have decided to do is come up with some of my own subject lines for “Manhood” emails. Most of these are pointed towards the Hetero crowd, but I’m sure that with a little clever word smithing (Change she to he) you could make these bye-gender.
New Manhood email subject lines…
- Tear a hole in her so large you can fly a plane through it.
- Be seen from outer space
- So large you could give a horse brain damage by hitting it in the head
- Be able to say, “John Holmes is a pussy”.
- She will erect statues in your honor.
- Blow the back of her fucking head off.
- So big, that even when you beat off she’ll feel it.
- A load so large, she’ll be spitting it up for a week
- It will enter a room 5 full minutes before you do.
- So big, shit will start orbiting it.
- Use it to put out fires.
- My boyfriends dick comes out my ass when I give him head.
- Loads so large it will become part of her DNA.
- Loads so massive Dairy Queen will become jealous.
- My boyfriend is so large that when he fucks me my sister moans.
- Loads so fast she’ll shit beetles.
- So large you can use sex as a punishment.
- Use it to dent car doors of your enemies.
- Earn big $$$ by charging companies to advertise on it.
- So big that it will turn gay men straight.
- Be labeled as. “The Other White Meat”. (We understand that black men do not need this product.)
- So big that, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE PAIN! PULL IT OUT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PULL IT OUT! MY EYES ARE ROLLING TO THE BACK OF MY SKULL! I’LL NEVER WALK AGAIN!” just doesn’t do it justice
- Improve sperm flavor
Please let me know if you have any good subject lines.