Please, someone help me define “sexual death”.
Here are some possible scenarios I can think of:
Does this mean I will look good in pants like these?
Because seriously, this isn’t me … i just want to know if Dick Cheney can make me look good in pants very similar to these. He won’t shoot me will he? If he does, I might be inclined to do this:
Keystone rocks!
– Count of Flanders
Subject: I realized I was in love.
Amaze her with your new, gigantic tool between your legs. http://liesonkeeng.com/
Who’s point of view is this from? Did this email come from a girl who realized she was in love because of a gigantic tool between some douchebag’s legs? Or, did some guy realize that his new-found gigantic tool cause a girl to fall in love with him?
Either way, it doesn’t matter.
I want to point out that if you are a guy who once had a small penis but now has a gigantic one, girls will not love you. You will always be remembered as the small-penis guy who had low self esteem and almost killed himself to gain a larger penis guy.
In about two day’s time, my SPAM email count went from 0 to over 1,000. Here are some memorable subject lines:
g ShortDick? Sad? you will feel happy with our help, Click here to find out how wzhzf j6eby30
You know, I was almost persuaded to visit their site. I guess it was the random letters that tipped me off. Too bad for them, because I really wanted to know if my sadness was related to ShortDick syndrome. I have overheard that ShortDick syndrome is is an off-shoot of PencilDick Disease from a well-respected abortion doctor who lives two doors down from me. His drug representatives visit him during odd hours of the night and sometimes party until 4 PM when I get home from the library.
Break the monotony of life with a cool watch.
If your life is so sad that a new watch is the only pick-me-up you have not yet tried, then boy are you messed up in the head. This pretty-much means you have:
I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g. oon marijuana or some other drug).
I am so glad this was clarified in parenthesis because I was willing to pay a lot of money to experiment a good stoning while having sex. As in The Bucket List, I have a list of things to accomplish before I die. Frankly, having sex while getting stoned (with stones, not drugs) was up there in the top ten. Here are some other things I need to check-off before the Grim Reaper taps me on the shoulder:
Just a small-pill will cure all your doubts and restore the life you will not help enjoying.
The cure to my small penis and tiny self-esteem is not another small pill. God dammit! When will these people figure out that I need a pill so large … it would choke a donkey like the shit I take after a double-dose of steak & eggs from my local Dennys?
Hey wait a minute? I just realized something! If this pill cures my doubts and restores my life, why won’t it let me enjoy my newfound success? This magical pill will apparently pay my bills, increase my penis size, and bring Meryl Streep to my front door. However, I will be in debt to the mafia, John Holmes would be jealous of my girth, and the jet airliner carrying (none other than) Meryl Streep will crash-land on my car while I’m driving to my monthly ShortDick Syndrome & Me self-help classes!
God dammit, I can’t catch a break!
Do you have that one friend?
You know the one I’m talking about, the guy or girl that has to send you those awful,
“Forward this email to 600 other people in the next 6 seconds or your dick will fall off”.
I fucking hate those; normally I just delete them and put that friend in my SPAM filter. But for some reason this email I just received has peaked my interest. I’m not really sure why… Take a look at it and see what you think.
If I could sit on the porch with God, the first thing I would do is thank him for you….
Read the bottom and see how it works.
Click on the photo for a better look.
Try this! … it really works. If you take this e-mail and forward it to at least 5 people, including the person that sent it to you, a person will appear standing on this bridge Let me know if you know the person? OKAY!
Hmmmmm, all it takes is for me to forward this to five victims friends and I get to see who is in the picture. Is this person the same for everybody? Or does God specifically pick who I deserve to see. Well let’s find out…
Ok , hmmmmm, I pick you…. And you… oh this person is a sucker for this shit… I’ll send it to you … and you….and even you.
There, I have sent this email out to 5 or so people so now all I have to do is stare at the picture and see who is on the bridge……
Oh well God bless, there is someone in the picture….
Click on the photo for a better look.
But wouldn’t the severed heads count as three people?
It has been some time since I have replied to anyone offering me riches and wealth through my Gmail. It’s not that I have not been getting these emails, it’s just that I’ve been so darn busy with work. Like…………… Well there is……………….. I had to………………
OK, I’ve been busy hiding the bodies and masturbating myself blind.
Anywho, the staff at Hot Lard received an email from Pam White of the HD Publishing Group who is offering us…….. ummmmmmmmmm……………. She was either trying to sell us something or offer us a job. Beings I pretty much own everything I need and no job could improve on my position of a barnyard porn mogul. I felt it necessary to come out of retirement and fuck with Pam. Below you will see the email we received from Ms. White and my response.
Subject:
Great Synergy and Opportunities
Dear WordPress:
A strategic and comprehensive search for great affiliates with sites
that fit our niche, has brought us to you via your site at
http://www.wordpress.com/tag/background-check/.Since 1996, HD Publishing Group has been fortunate enough to have one
of the # 1 rated websites for search related inquiries on the web – Net
Detective. Because of our tremendous success and longevity, we’re
continually looking that that fresh new face to join with us as we
continue to bring our product to the thousands of new Internet users
who enter the market each day. That’s why we’ve chosen to contact you
directly and give you a brief overview of what our product can do to
bring your affiliate marketing business to the next level.* 69% commission from the 1st sale
* Long time trusted products
* On-time trusted payouts
* VIP commission schedules avaialble
* Custom landing and order pages
* Fresh Articles and Banner Creatives
* New Landing page templates monthly
* 120-Day cookies
* In-house Affiliate Manager
* Great Converting Search product updated monthly
All this adds up to continuous high conversions and maximum dollars in
your pocket!Join https://www.hdpublishinggroup.com/affiliate_signup.php HD
Publishing Group today and start earning the type of income you deserve.I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon.
Sincerely,
Pam White
HD Publishing Group
HD Publishing Group – Affiliate Signup, Affiliate Program Sign Up
pam@affiliatesuccess.net
Here is my response to Pam’s offer of putting maximum dollars in my pocket.
Subject: My Reply to your Great Surgery Opportunity
Dear Pam White,
I’m afraid that Mr. WordPress is out of the office. This is the week he goes to local Jr. high schools to talk to the kids about the evils of Internet publishing companies and rectal thermometers. He also uses this time to get his son a date to one of the many Sadie Hawkins dances the schools are having. Personally I think his son should be doing this himself. At the age of 37 he should know by now how to get a date with a 14 year old.
So at this time you will be dealing with me, Ervin Shlopnick. May I call you Peaches? I feel much better working with someone who I have given a name to. My secretary is called “Stupid Lisa” and my wife has been given the name “No Daddy No”. Peaches, I feel that you and I could make a great team and with your brains, resources, business knowledge and my dirty underpants collection. I think we could be ruling the Internet with an iron fist in no time.
I am very excited in learning what you have on at this moment, plus I’m some what interested in your offer. I do however have some questions.
120 days of cookies. Do I get to choose the type of cookie (chocolate chip, oatmeal, ect) or do you send me a different box every day?
Do I have to give room and board to the in house manager? Am I responsible for feeding him…. Or would it be a her? If it is a her, and she is smart, witty and works without pants? I’ll take care of all her needs personally.
Can the Net Detective help me find out if my girlfriend is cheating on me? She says she is just going to workout every day and that is why she comes home all sweaty. But that doesn’t explain the male ejaculate in her hair. I’d love to have the net detective to take some photos of her and show them to me while we eat the 120 day old cookies and double team the in house manager.
What does the “HD” of HD Publishing Group stand for? Is it:
Hum Dinger (That would be awesome)
Hump’em Dry
Hard Dingdong
Hands Dirty
Hardcore Downloads
Hate Date
Happy Drifter
Hole Diggers
Homo Domo
Heavy Drinkers
I’d also like to know a little bit about you personally. When is the last time you showered? Does your breath ever smell like old feet? Do you like putting live things in your pants?
Boy Howdy, I feel like we’ve known each other for years. So when can I come over to your house and eat some of your food? I’ll tell you all about Aunt May and her inner thigh boils. Can you make some food that has bananas in it? I really like bananas…. About as much as I like burying things in the woods at 3 am. But that is for another time and when we become lovers.
Looking forward to seeing you in my mothers orange jumpsuit.
Ervin Shlopnick
Assistant Associate Managing Director of Internal Affairs and Monkey Tricks.
Hot Lard Inc.
Will let you know what response we receive from good ole Pam.
Hot Lard just received this email with a subject line of “Jimi Hendrix”…
Click on picture for a better look
Can someone tell me what the fuck it says!?!?!?!?!?
Since blstern posted about an email forward that he replied to, I thought I’d share my own experience. Below is an email that was sent to me; I dutifully replied to everyone on the email forward list. Enjoy!
=====
I love these emails … they allow me the opportunity to fine-tune my wit. Please read my responses to the points made in the initial email in red text.
This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you — and me!
You have 6 minutes
Realistically, six minutes is way too much time if you ask me … for proof, ask any woman! I believe the going-rate is approximately 49 seconds, if you’re in the mood. Less time if your partner is in the mood as well.
There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This has been sent To you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.
Is this the same Tony Robbins with the ginormous head and teeth? I was unaware he was an expert at anything, rather a jack-hole of all trades… Hmm, interesting. Are his book sales in the dumpster since his last movie role as Jack Black’s motivational helper in Shallow Hal?
Do not keep this message.
Trust me; I didn’t plan on keeping it, let alone reading the entire thing. I get at least 5 of these demotivational emails a day alongside my numerous v|@gr@ offers (how’d they know???).
This must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
If after six minutes of being in my hand, I’d expect a nasty surprise too. Of course, I’m usually prepared with a slew of cleanup supplies (Lysol disinfectant, putty knife, paint thinner, Brawny hefty ultra absorbent paper towels). What does everyone else use for ‘cleanup’?
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
I live and die by this statement. I cheerfully give more than my fair share of roundhouse kicks to the homeless. It turds my undies more than anything to see the homeless ruining our beloved abandoned houses and bridge supports. Does handing out tainted needles to the homeless count as being “too kind”?
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Because we all know gettin’ funky in bed is overrated. Conversation skills in bed simply amount to endless moaning and groaning, as well as the occasional “GET OFF OF ME!”.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Are you implying that I shouldn’t believe the Cultural Warrior himself, Bill O’Reilly and Murdoch’s media empire, Faux News?! Sometimes the voices in my head tell me to buy more Viagra, and take a nap … is that wrong?
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you ,’ mean it.
Only if it means we can have sex.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
Do all those that have been wronged have only one eye? That seriously freaks me out. Be sure to show them their other eye when you say it. I’m sure they’ll understand.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
10 years ain’t bad.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
Or, after the first date.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
If you can’t find a reason to laugh at someone’s ridiculous dream, they never should have told you in the first place. Dreams are meant to be made fun of. Especially if the dream was the person was being chased by rabid dogs and zombies, and fell off a cliff … those are the best!
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
I do, for 49 seconds.
TEN. . In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
How else are you going to belittle someone that is much stronger that yourself? Name calling is fair game to me. I suppose kicking an unsuspecting dude in the nutsack seems fair.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
Unless their relatives are in jail for the grisly murder of an Amish family. Or, unless the mother is very fat and ugly. That means her daughter/your girlfriend will look like that in the future. And, who wants that?
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
Yeah, everyone loves talking to Southerners. Also, I don’t want people to get the idea that I am an habitual cocaine abuser.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
If I ask a question and you don’t answer, I will assume you’re stupid. So therefore, if someone asks me a question and I don’t want to answer, I will just kick them in the nutsack. I don’t want someone to get the wrong idea of my intellectual well-being.
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Yeah, like tapping your first virgin.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
And “Yeee Hawwww” when they fart.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson!
Or the lesson could be that you’re loser and it’s time to put the barrel of the gun in your mouth.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
There are actually four Rs … Remember to wash the trunk of your car.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship..
Otherwise you’ll be washing the trunk of your car the next morning.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Sober-up and get out there and wash that trunk!
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Smile, but hold the phone to your ass and confuse the hell out of the caller.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
If you’ve played your cards right, you’ll be spending a lot of time alone in prison. Unless of course you get a roomie.
Here is another of the impostor blstern emails I received. Not really sure what this is all about. This email just showed up one day in my inbox saying I, errrrrrrrr I mean the impostor blstern was invited by “A” to come to England for a hamburger. Yep that’s correct. Go to England to have a hamburger. Hey don’t fucking ask me, they’re his friends not mine.
Dear All,
At the risk of annoying you even more than I normally do; I tried to book the restaurant in question last week whilst down in France and, damn me, they were closed on the Saturday for a wedding. The cheek of it! Anyway, they can do Sunday the 1st July so that is what I have booked.
The tricky thing is that I don’t know how many to book for following the avalanche of silence in response to my last, admittedly somewhat tortured, e-mail. I know some of you have spoken to “B” but she does not always speak to me, unsurprisingly, and when she does it is often in a strange tongue known only to herself and horses. She does leave notes, true, but they are short and usually end in “off”.
Anyway, if you would be so kind to give me a “yeah” or “nay” (or even a giddy-up, if you like), via this medium, and indicate whether you would prefer your burger with or without cheese it would help enormously.
Toodle pip,
“A”
PS: When we know when, or if, people are coming we can organise a plan that I would imagine might involve lolling around a fair bit.
Must be a really good hamburger if “A” really expects me to go all the way over there to eat one. Well I had better R.S.V.P.
A wise man once said…
In every life some rain will fall…
But make my SPAM burger extra rare and covered with cheese and bacon. (hold the onions)
The truth of that statement always brings a tear to my eye.
I was looking at my boy’s (Gippy Jr.) used urinal cake collection the other day and thought that this would be a good time to entertain the thought of moving to a new home without telling him. I mean… COME ON!!! Used urinal cakes?!?!?!? I have been a urinal cake replacement engineer for 26 years and I can tell you that a used urinal cake does not have the aroma, texture, or taste of a new one. And I do not want to share my home with someone that does not know that. Do you like Cream Corn?
Well gotta go,
Will see yah soon (As soon as the bandages are removed)
blstern.
Once again I forgot to mention that the first email from “A” was sent out several people. And of course my reply was sent to them all. Here are some of the replies I received, starting with “A”.
Blstern
Once again you have me completely baffled with your response. I must get 15 emails from you a day on business and personal matters and they all make perfect sense. Then you hit me with this utter nonsense and I have no clue as to what you want. Please take your meds and reply so I am able to understand what you say.
Your worried friend
“A”
My reply to “A”
For Christmas I’m asking for a monkey that will wrestle a Japanese girl in pudding.
Blstern
This person may have figured out the dark secret of the Imposter blstern.
Please stop responding to emails that are not intended for you. I know blster and you are not him. Go back to whatever rock you crawled out from under and leave the GOOD people alone.
“L”
I must try and convince “L” That I am the true blstern.
“L”
Why I have no idea what you are talking about. How could you say that, after all we have been through? Remember the time we had to hide out for 16 years because of the great Mr. Icy, Ice Cream truck robbery. You shot four clowns and a bike riding dog in that caper. Remember how you would work at Carl’s truck stop as a topless dishwasher to help us make ends meet. They didn’t really have any topless employees, but you insisted on doing it to help air out your bleeding mammary warts. Then you would volunteer to be a topless elementary school crossing guard because you loved the attention. All of those happy memories are now shattered by your harsh words. But I will forgive you, if you send me a tape recording of you doing a duck call while eating cream filled hamsters.
B
Believe it or not, “L” never responded back to me… But “S” did!!!!
Thanks a lot. Now I have lost my appetite.
“S”
My reply to “S”
The secret to true flavor is roach excrement.
I have four nipples.
Blster
Not sure when I’m supposed to go get my burger. Nobody will talk to me now.
Now and then a SPAM email comes along that is so stupid, I have to respond to let the author know of their own retarded nature. When a typed message starts out by saying that the writer can not type this typed message because they are so excited and out of breath. I must respond in kind. Below is just the latest “Life Changing” scam opportunity that is being offered to me via my SPAM mail filter.
Matt S.” <software_innovations2@webextended.com> wrote:Subject: They will hate me because of this
Hi, I wanted to let you know that so many people are going to hate me because of this, but I just don’t care…..
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you’re not going to believe this…First off, thank you so much for taking a minute to read this, my name is Matt, and I’m a “Domain” millionaire that is going to do something absolutely crazy tonight and tomorrow morning that is going to cause A LOT of people to get mad at me, and actually, they are going to HATE me! But not you, you’ll actually be happy with me because of this….
If you’re interested in knowing what it is then read below, but you’ll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take advantage of this:
There is a group of people who have become “domain” millionaires like myself by keeping people in the dark about buying and selling domain names, and the longer you’re in the dark, the more money they’ll make.
But today and tomorrow I am giving away a video series that pulls back the curtain and details the inner workings of this little known business.
Press here to Download the -Free- step by step videos now
Under 500 copies of this video series will be given away, and they will go fast.
Press here before you become the 501st person to want this video series
Here’s is what is included in the video series that will give you the tools to become an internet millionaire:
-How a domain you own right now might be worth thousands and how to cash in.
-Why this may be the only business in the world that costs less than a lemonade stand to start.
-How to build a truly passive income stream big enough to retire on and solid enough that nobody can take it away from you
-Why the current “Domain” millionaires are scared as hell that you’ll learn what they’re doing. (it involves luxury cars and private jets)!
And much, much more.
Press here to Download the -Free- step by step videos now
—–
iMI
2807 Allen St.
PMB 674
Dallas, TX 75204– You will not get anymore of our emails if you go here and enter your email address (XXXXXXXXX@yahoo.com)
or write to:Software Innovations Inc.
160 W. Foothill Pkwy, Suite 105-20
Corona, CA 92882
Well Golly, I’m sure this is the real thing. How could anyone be as excited as this guy and it not be true. I must respond and let him know how excited he has made me.
Subject: They hate you and so do I
Dear Matt S.
Thank you for contacting me…
Hold on and let me catch my breath before I type any more….
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz
Let me put my head between my legs so I may catch my breath before typing any further…
Let me go ride my bike and sing a song so I may catch my breath to type to you more about this great offer…
Let me smell my own farts and pull out my butt hairs before typing another letter about this life changing offer you are about to give me…
Let me go to a movie about homosexual cowboy aliens from Detroit and lance my grandmother inner thigh boil before I move another digit on my keyboard in response to the epic money making solution to all my worldly problems…
Let me cross the river Styx and battle the three headed hell hound with My Little Pony dolls to show you the appreciation I have for you bringing this offer of all offers to end any other offers that state it is the offer that no other offer can offer.
Wow buddy you are as crazy as a rabid cat in and Raid factory to just GIVE away this secret of all secrets. Please tell me at once, what I have to do, Who I have to do, What body I must hide, What cabinet paper I must lay, What bank I must rob, What cow I must tip, What puppy I must molest, What planet I must destroy… To get this information.
Pretty please with sugar and happy sprinkles tell me….
-How a domain you own right now might be worth thousands and how to cash in.
Here is a small list of domain names I have. Please let me know how many thousands of dollars they are worth.
www.Iliketoeathair.comwww.lowermybills.com
Well, what do you think? What size of a check will you write me for those beauties?I’m sorry to hear that I will be scaring the cars and jets of other duhmain millionaires. Maybe you should warn them of my coming to give them a chance to tie down their planes and autos so they won’t run away.
Ok, Matt S. You have my attention and we should have both caught our breath by now. So let’s get to teaching me this stuff and shit that you talked about in your first email.
Love and blood soaked kisses
Blstern
P.S.
I can’t read. Will that be a problem?
Just sent this out. Will let you know if I get a response from Matt S.
Update 10/17/2007
No response from Matt S., so I decided to send another e-mail to let him know I was REALLY interested.
Matt S.
What’s up buddy. Why have I not heard back from you yet? I’m ready to make all the moneys!!!!
Are you still so out of breath that you can not reply to your emails?
Have the other duh-main millionaires found out that you are giving away their secrets to everlasting wealth and terminated your email account with extreme predigest?
What must I do to get this information so I too can rule the internet with an iron fist?!?!?
I will avenge you my spiritual MENSA, I will not rest until every duh-main villain that brought you down has been vanquished and humiliated.
Could I get $500 dollars so I may be able to get my new Russian Bride into the country? I only ask because you are now my best friend.
Thank you for taking me under your wing and allowing me the chance to soar with the eagle and swim with the carp.
I look forward to the day that I may be able to shake your hand and call you friend. And play board games with you while covered in Jello and creamed corn.
Your best friend (FOREVER)
blstern,
P.S.
I am going to go through your garbage at night so I may start building your alter in my bathroom. So throw away really good stuff, Mkay.
P.S.S
I’m including a picture of my self. That way you will know who I am when you are called to pick out the “Peeper” in a line up.
Boy Howdy, I really hope he responds. I’d really like to have a date for prom.
