Hot Lard Supports Ervin Shlopnick for President.
Click on Photo for a better look
The rumors that have been dominating the evening and cable news channels for the last few weeks have now been confirmed. Ervin Shlopnick has thrown his hat into the political ring and has decided to run for president of the United States. He started off just wanting to run for president of the “Skank Hole” strip club and orphanage. But once it was explained to him that if he ran the country he could have free tokens to whatever strip club he wanted. Ervin replied, “That would be OK too I guess.”
But who is this man, This Ervin Shlopnick? What we do know is that he is a self-made Barnyard porn mogul and chronic masturbater.
He was recently asked by CNN about his qualifications to be president and his platform.
CNN Reporter: What does a barnyard porn mogul have to offer to this country as its president?
Ervin S: I’m glad you asked that. You see the country is like a crack whore, a crack whore who needs a fix really bad. Without barnyard porn this crack whore would have to resort to crime to get the money she needs to keep her habit in check. This in-turn could hurt one of our fine citizens or illegal aliens. But with barnyard porn this slut now has some place to turn to make money, legal money. By simply pleasing a donkey long enough so it can ejaculate on her face. Now the crack whore has her money, the donkey is happy and several barnyard porn junkies have beat-off and stopped their urge to go out and molest the neighbor’s cat. You see everybody wins… Even the cats.
CNN Reporter: What would you do about Iraq?
Ervin S: I’m very happy you ask that. You see I’ve been to Iraq and I can tell you first hand that they are decades ahead of us in the making of barnyard porn. Some of the best camel toe can be found in Iraq.
CNN Reporter: What can you do about the high gas prices this country is faces with today?
Ervin S: I’m jumping up and down on my chair because of the excitement I have for that question. What we need is a way to lower the prices of fuel. It would have to be a way that we could pay less but at the same time not pay too much. Fuel is important because we need it to make cars and trucks go. It’s like a magic bean or something, you just put it in and for some reason cars respond to it. I plan on creating an advisory committee to meet with the car and truck legions to see if we could capture some and dissect them to figure out what makes them go and how we could use it to make better barnyard porn.
CNN Reporter: What would you do the first 100 days in office?
Ervin S: That is such a great question I think I just crapped myself. I’d have to try to see how long I could hold my breath. After that I would cook up a few pot-pies and play “slap-my-weener” with the old lady. Did I mention I have a Skin condition? Would you like to see it? Let me drop my pants, bend over and spread my cheeks apart.
CNN Reporter: You’re a very private man, could you tell us a little bit of personal information about you and your family?
Ervin S: If you weren’t a woman I’d kiss you right on the lips for asking that question.
I was born to Wally and Erma Shlopnick of Regurgitation Falls Iowa, in1953.
In high school I was a champion track star for the Dominican Republic.
My first job was a limo driver in Texas.
That is where I met and dated Jacqueline Kennedy for a while. Great woman, but for our first day she wore this pink number with red spots all over it. It just didn’t seam to work for her. I also could not get over pulling brain matter out of my mouth every time we kissed.
From there I went on to be a top secrete super duper astronaut spy, and served in the secret moon base on Mars.
That is where I met my future wife. Commander, NaNa Untah Babble Poo Poo
After 4 straight days of uninterrupted anal carnage, hide the foreign objects contest, cross dressing greased up old people wrestling and My Little Pony porn, I knew this was the woman for me and we married. Soon after we had our daughter Amaaaaaaaaaanda.
In 2006 I went to Germany and helped East-Germans escape to West Germany.
CNN Reporter: Thank you so very much for this insight to the man that is you. Do you have any final statement you would like to make?
Ervin S: Thank you for hiring a slutty Girl Scout den mother to massage my balls while we talked. In closing I’d like to say that the American people need to take time and look at the candidates that are running for this post. They need to look at their records and what they have done in the past. They need to look at our beliefs in America and our conduct in and out of office. They need to look at our family life and our official lives to see if we are making them both work. After looking at all these things it is then they need to decide which one of these candidates could help them most in a full frontal nudity, cream corn wrestling match that is called America.
We here at Hot Lard want to be the first to announce our Support for Ervin Shlopnick’s bid for President. In the next several weeks and months leading to the election we will be displaying posters for Mr. Shlopnick in support for his bid to be president.
This final poster we have left blank, the Ervin Shlopnick for President Campaign Committee asks that our fellow American (And some of you fun loving foreigners) please take it and create one of your own. Then send it back to us and we will display it here on Hot Lard.
Thank you and God Bless America
To see updates on the campaign click here