O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Iowa Hawkeye Demotivation

We are still in prison…errrrrrrrrrrrrr I mean on vacation.

But after the bitch slap the Iowa Hawkeyes laid on the Penn State …. Ummmm, they’re called the Silly Little Bitches aren’t they???

Well any-who, I had to create a couple of posters to mark this great victory.

GO HAWKS!

Things a Minnesota Vikings fan can do during the playoffs

Well, I am pretty sure I know who Ervin is directing his post towards… ME!  Bastard!!

In the spirit of fun, here is my comeback… bitch.

 

Get that boob job you’ve always dreamed of…

 

Send your profile pic to The Biggest Loser…

 

Go find yourself a new boyfriend at Chuck E. Cheese…

 

Take your hot girlfriend out for a classy meal at your local truck stop…

Things a Dallas Cowboys fan can do during the playoffs

Now that the “Sure Thing” “Favorite to win it all” “America’s Team” Dallas Cowboys have failed to make the playoffs, I know there are a whole lot of menstruating and suicidal Cowboy fans out there that have nothing to do for the playoffs. So we here at Hot Lard would like to give you a few things you can do now that your team has flopped in the most of epic proportions.

You can work on your dance moves…

Deliver those Easter eggs you been meaning to…

Get arrested with your penis hanging out…

Run until you shit yourself…

Ride your bike in traffic…

Go for a drive in your Barbie Corvette…

Drink beer until you die…

Smoke a joint with another whiny-ass Cowboy fan…

Shoot some hoops…

Go on a date with a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader…

Go on a second date with that Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader…

Wish you had never changed jobs…

Think up new team colors that would more closely represent the team…

Learn the Heimlich Maneuver for the next time they choke…

Or, just shut the fuck up until your team actually does something…

Enjoy the playoffs everybody )

Ed Hochuli Missed the Call Because of His Yellow Teeth

My yellow teeth effect my job performance too. But I’m in the Barn Yard Porn business, so no one really notices.

I think the Olympics started today

I think the Olympics started today…

They’re being held in… Peru or some place like that.

I believe we have someone that can… jump high, or row a boat,  or do something really fast… I really don’t remember. But anyway I think they are going to it… to watch maybe.

Yup…. The good ole Olympics….

“Yawn”

Oh, on a side note…

An Open Letter to the Green Bay Packers

Dear Green Bay Packers,

I’d like to talk with you about the offer you have given to Brett Favre… The 20 million dollars to not play the game of football ever again.  I believe this may be a waste of money on your part and have what I think is a win-win solution.

I think you should give the money to me and here is why. You see Brett Favre is a sports legend. Possibly one of the greatest to ever play position, the man is well loved by fans and players throughout the country.  I on the other hand suck at the sport and am pretty much hated by everyone that knows me, plus a lot of people that don’t know me and a few barnyard animals to boot.

Bret Favre holds most of the passing records in the NFL; I can barley hold my lunch. Bret Favre is a leader of men; I cry and wet my pants when the neighbor’s poodle barks at me.
Bret Favre is a family man and a good roll model for kids. Megan’s law states I am not allowed within 50 yards of a child.
So you see it makes much more sense to pay someone like me 20 million dollars to never show up for a game, than it would a living legend.

Please let me know your answer as soon as possible; I could really use the money for lawyers and bail.

Thank you

Ervin Shlopnick.

Demotivational Posters Volume #24

The CountofFlanders and myself have both had title changes at our “REAL” jobs and all of a sudden our employer is expecting “REAL” work from us now; Making it much more difficult to create a new post while at work. Not to mention how anal they are getting about us inviting midget prostitutes to come play in our whip cream filled cubicles during the lunch hour.

I guess there is always the option of doing this sort of thing at home… But I don’t have a cubical to put all this whip cream in there.

Oh well, here is another volume of our award winning demotivational posters to tide you over until the mood hits us to make some more.

Enjoy,

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Brett Favre as a Viking

If you are a football fan (American not that pussy ass, cum swallowing soccer shit) you have most likely heard the rumors of Brett Favre’s return to the sport. Most recently there have been wild rumors flying around that he may not be returning to the Packers, but some other Team. One of those teams mentioned are my beloved Vikings. Now far be it from me to get excited over this (and as all long time Vikings fans know, you don’t get too excited about anything this teams does or you will end up with your heart ripped out) but I thought it would be fun to see what Favre would look like as a Viking.

I do this as a Fan of the Sport… Plus I just like to piss off Packer fans whenever I can.

Oh and I got to say soccer was a pussy sport which always makes me happy.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!??!?!?!?

The Future????

Has anyone noticed that Baseball Season has started?

In case you haven’t noticed (and my guess is that you haven’t), the Major League Baseball season has started … in Japan. WTF is up with that!?!?!?

Well anyway, I’d like to be the first to let baseball know that nobody fucking cares the season has started because the league sucks!  Hmmmmmmm, let me guess … the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox franchises are the favorites to spend the most money errrrrrrrrrrrrr … I mean, win the World Series.  Of course in baseball, those two phrases pretty-much mean the same thing.

Congratulations Baseball on another season where five revenue-generating teams are competing for the championship while the rest of the league break-in their really good players only to have them be bought by one of those five teams next year.

I guess all I can hope for is that THIS IS THE YEAR that one of your roided-up players will finally explode on national TV.  Or snap and take out the first two rows of fans with a meat clever. (If there are actually that many in the stands that is)

PLAY BALL!!!

One good thing about the start of baseball season… It means that Football season is only four months away.