My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Unfulfilled Dreams

I’ve decided to give up my life long dream of becoming a world famous “Port-O-Potty Spelunker”.

I’ll have to just settle with my current career of forcing young drug addicted teenage runaways into a life of barnyard porn.

Thank goodness for crack.

The End of the Race Card

It’s official!  Now that Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States of America, people of all minority types will forever be banned from using the “race card” to explain why they:

• can’t get a job
• are oppressed in the workplace
• are discriminated against
• shoot a rival gang member
• joined a gang

Do you hear that?  Now that a black man can become the President of the United States of America, the next time I hear about the “black man” or “hispanic” or “jew” or “redneck” or “Polack” or “native american/indian” whining and bitching about being held back due to race, you deserve to die should move to France because you are a lazy piece of fucking shit who wants a handout from your government … namely, Barack Obama.  He will gladly take the money your neighbor brings home and redistribute it to you.

Want national healthcare?  Barack will make it happen, along Nancy Pelosi.  They’ll give you as much as you need from people with jobs and a decent income.

However, once you get on your feet (if you do decide to stop smoking crack) and get a job… welcome to the real world.  Now YOU’LL be paying into the system and supporting your fellow lazy-ass American (or immigrant) with your wages.  And guess what?  Maybe … just maybe you’ll wake up and stop supporting Socialism Liberals.  Maybe next time, you’ll vote for smaller government and more liberties.  And don’t debate me on this because you know I’m right.

Oh wait, I’m going off on a tangent.  My bad.

I guess maybe the race card issue isn’t dead… maybe since Barack Obama isn’t 100% black (both mom and dad are black), that won’t be good enough for 100% ethnic minorities, if and when the issue presents itself.

Amy Winehouse Wishes Hot Lard a Happy Birthday

Ummmmmmm, yes… hmmmm let’s see…

I’ll take a bucket of chicken and a double beef and bean burrito with a large side of chips and…. Huh??? What???? I’m doing what???

WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOT LARD?!?!?!?

Fuck you I’m not coming out of the closet, the killer spiders are out there.

Well anyway happy Easter to all of my fans and… Wha…. It’s not… I’m supposed to do what?

WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOT LARD?!?!?!?

I don’t want to do a PSA…. Oh fuck it give me the script…

Hey kids, don’t do drugs………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  Let them do you!!! HAHA HA H AH EEE HAH ERRRRRRRRR UGH HAW HAW ACK ACK …. Oh crap I just puked on myself again. Someone get me a towel…. Oh and get this fucking needle out of my arm!!!!

Huh…..?

WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOT LARD?!?!?!?

See our other B-day wishes here

Demotivational Posters Volume #25

It just hit me, Hot Lard is about to turn 1.

That’s right, on August 9th we will celebrate one full year of Hot Lard and all it’s sickness.

I’m not really sure what to do for this special event, but as we get closer I’m sure I’ll cop-out and come up with some lame little thing to say how great we are.

But in the meantime, I am going to unleash our 25th version of demotivational posters for you to enjoy. Consider it a b-day gift from us….

You cheap bastards… Didn’t get us a damn thing.

Enjoy

Hilarious SPAM Email Subjects

In about two day’s time, my SPAM email count went from 0 to over 1,000.  Here are some memorable subject lines:

g ShortDick? Sad? you will feel happy with our help, Click here to find out how wzhzf j6eby30

You know, I was almost persuaded to visit their site.  I guess it was the random letters that tipped me off.   Too bad for them, because I really wanted to know if my sadness was related to ShortDick syndrome.  I have overheard that ShortDick syndrome is is an off-shoot of PencilDick Disease from a well-respected abortion doctor who lives two doors down from me.  His drug representatives visit him during odd hours of the night and sometimes party until 4 PM when I get home from the library.

Break the monotony of life with a cool watch.

If your life is so sad that a new watch is the only pick-me-up you have not yet tried, then boy are you messed up in the head.  This pretty-much means you have:

• experimented with crack, and didn’t notice anything different
• ear drops of heroin
• had a good time with gay sex
• thought gay sex with a Chinese man (yes, it is different) sounded like fun
• attended taint-shaving classes during the evening with your Uncle Lewis
• pierced bamboo shutes up your fingernails, doused with kerosene
• watched Pearl Harbor, and liked it
• watched the hospital rape scene in Kill Bill Volume 1, and picked up a few pointers along the way

I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g. oon marijuana or some other drug).

I am so glad this was clarified in parenthesis because I was willing to pay a lot of money to experiment a good stoning while having sex.  As in The Bucket List, I have a list of things to accomplish before I die.  Frankly, having sex while getting stoned (with stones, not drugs) was up there in the top ten.  Here are some other things I need to check-off before the Grim Reaper taps me on the shoulder:

• have sex with Meryl Streep
• visit Iran
• convince the Germans that Budweiser is the best beer in the world
• fill my bathtub with lotion and masturbate for a month

Just a small-pill will cure all your doubts and restore the life you will not help enjoying.

The cure to my small penis and tiny self-esteem is not another small pill.  God dammit!  When will these people figure out that I need a pill so large … it would choke a donkey like the shit I take after a double-dose of steak & eggs from my local Dennys?

Hey wait a minute?  I just realized something!  If this pill cures my doubts and restores my life, why won’t it let me enjoy my newfound success?  This magical pill will apparently pay my bills, increase my penis size, and bring Meryl Streep to my front door.  However, I will be in debt to the mafia, John Holmes would be jealous of my girth, and the jet airliner carrying (none other than) Meryl Streep will crash-land on my car while I’m driving to my monthly ShortDick Syndrome & Me self-help classes!

God dammit, I can’t catch a break!

Hot Lard – Ranked 629,416

According to Technorati, Hot Lard is Ranked 629,416.

Boy Howdy, I can remember the days when we couldn’t crack 823,644.

A Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Cutest Santa’s Little Helper Contest

The staff here at Hot Lard, brought in our children one day for Christmas Photos. Beings we are a bunch of self centered miscreants we have been arguing and arguing since that day over whose kid took the best X-mas photo. So what we have done is killed off all but 21 contestant’s and now we would like you to look through what is left and let us know which one you think makes the cutest “Santa’s Little Helper”.

Yeah, I know the photo shop is not great… Fuck off. I’m doing this at work.

blstern writes LIONSGATE about the movie “Bug”

Below is an Email I have sent to LIONSGATE films studio’s investment department on a film of theirs I had the misfortune of watching. If any of you out there are thinking of renting the movie “Bug”, don’t do it!!! This movie is not what it is advertise to be, of course how can you correctly advertise a movie about a crack head and a Slingblade wannabe having snuff film sex and there is not one single thing in the movie that the title leads you to believe there is.

After viewing this abortion, I was so pissed off about the time I had lost that I was compelled to sit down and write LIONSGATE and demand my life back.

 

 

Dear LIONSGATE films,

I would like to talk to someone about a return of my investment.

Normally I am eager to view a LIONSGATE film; you have created a nice little collection of movies. I am extremely fond of the horror collection you have built up. Usually I get my horror lust fulfilled by one of your low budget but not low on quality of story and shriek value films. A sign of a good studio is one that can come up will a good movie and not have to spend $100 million dollars to do so. Or in the case of your “Saw” series come out with a continuation of a story every year and it is more than just the masked guy severing a head at a 68 degree angle rather than the 60 degree angle he did in the last movie. For that I applaud you.

But now we come to the movie “Bug”. I remember seeing previews for this movie some time back and thinking to myself, “Self, this could be a good one to watch on DVD”. Sorry, the previews did make it look interesting, but I’m a father of two and I do not get to go the theater that much. Especially for horror flix, so I normally have to wait for the DVD release. As I was walking through my local Hollywood Video store the other night I noticed the box for “Bug” and remembered how good this looked on the previews. I was in the mood for a good horror flick so decide to pay out $3.58 to be able to have this movie in my life for the next five days.

That night I did my normal fatherly routine and at around 9:45 pm all the kids were in bed and I could settle down to enjoy your product. Or so I though….

Here’s my problem, your previews, commercials, and DVD box for this movie all give the potential viewer the idea that this movie is a horror film. But as I learned about 45 minutes into this assault on my senses, was that this film was a romantic tragedy. I was so confused by the first three quarters of an hour of this movie that I actually removed the DVD from the player to make sure it was the right one. Unfortunately it appeared to be so. I was expecting a bug horror flick and what I got was a Crack Whore meets Slingblade romance.

Evidence of my misunderstanding:

Tag Line for movie: First they send in their drone… then they find their queen. The true meaning of this was found out in the last 2 minutes of the movie and all it accomplished was to say “Hey you just wasted 96 minutes of your life to learn what this means”.

 

Plot Outline: An unhinged war veteran holes up with a lonely woman in a spooky Oklahoma motel room. The line between reality and delusion is blurred as they discover a bug infestation The only bug in this movie was the one up my ass for spending 96 minutes of my life on this piece of garbage. And the only thing that was spooky about this motel room was how bad Ashley Judd looked. Man she was 50 mile of bad road. Seriously, there were no bugs in this movie… At All! We get to see the pretend bugs, which slowly and boringly leads us down a very confusing path that finally shows us there are no bugs at all. These are just the delusions to two high school drop-out crack heads…. Who fall in love…. And have very scary sex.

This leads me to my next disturbing point…

The one true horror that was in this movie was the love scene between Crack Whore Agnes and Rain-man Peter. My god if I had wanted to watch two drug addicts getting it on, I would have driven down to the local methadone clinic. I don’t know if snuff films really exist, but if they do I’m sure that is what they must look like. I feel dirty, I need a shower…. Oh and so did they. Was the budget on this film so small that you could not afford the person to remind Ashley that she needed to was her hair?

On to my demands…

What I would like is a return of my investment. Not for the $3.58 that I laid down for this turd, but for the hour and thirty six minutes of my life I wasted on this film. How can I get this time back? What measures do you have in place to refund a portion of one existence that was stolen by false advertising? Please let me know what you will do to help me fill in this void that once was an hour and thirty six minutes of a relatively happy life. For that matter I would also like to have terrible things be done to the actors of this film. My guess is that they knew all a long what evil and horrible lie they were portraying on the American public. If I may make a suggestion: You could make them all act with Ben Affleck or Gene Garofalo in their next five movies.

If the investment department is not the correct place I need to go through to get my missing portion of life back. Please let me know who I need to contact.

I await your response.

Thank you,

Blstern

 

The L stand for Truth in Advertising

 

Just sent this out today. Will update as soon as I hear back from LIONSGATE.

Update 11/09/2007

Have not heard back from LIONSGATE, so I sent my email to them again. I also contacted the Author of an Ashley Judd blog to see if she could help me.

Kadeliah,

I was hoping you could help me. I just watched the movie “Bug” with Ashley Judd and was so disappointed that I’m trying to get LIONSGATE to refund me the 96 minutes of my life I lost. Beings you’re such good friends with Ashley Judd, maybe you could get her to forward it to them. They don’t seem to want to respond to my emails.

Thanks,

blstern

 

Will  let you all know if anyone responds.