A Pony for my Daughters Birthday

Here is one from the vault. I wrote this way back in the early days of Hot Lard.  I re-read this the other day and laughed so hard I nearly soiled myself. Anything that good should be brought out of storage and have the dust blown off so others can enjoy it. It’s an oldie but a goody…

Enjoy

You should never promise your child a pony for their birthday. I made the mistake of doing that to my daughter and it came back to haunt me. Three weeks before my little girl was to turn 5 she asked me for a pony for her birthday. I was busy with something important like…. Work stuff or football or international cream corn wrestling championships. All I really remember was that I just wanted her to shut up, so I agreed and that was that.

Come the day before her birthday and my wife asked me if I had remembered to get the pony? Of course I had not, but was not going to tell her that or she would be chewing me out during the entire WWE Busty Brawl that I just spent $85.99 on pay-per-view for. So I told her I did and would get out later that day to go to the “FARM” it was at and bring it home.

As I’m driving around that night desperately looking for a pony store that would have maybe a three legged or terminally ill pony they would give me for five dollars, because that was all I had to spend. I spent the rest of the money I had on beer and beef jerky. I was about to give up when I noticed something in my review mirror. As I turned my car around, I had to wipe my eyes to make sure that I was actually seeing what I was seeing. I was saved!!!

The next day after all the kids had arrived for my daughter’s party and they had finished playing games, eating cake and opening all her presents. My sweet little girl looked at me and asked if I had gotten her the pony I promised. I pump out my chest with pride, looked her straight in the eyes and with a big smile on my face I said, “Yes honey I did, let’s go out to the shed so you can ride it”.

As all the kids gleefully skipped and ran to the shed to see my daughter’s new pony, I suddenly knew the wonderful and warm feeling of doing good things for others. It was a grand feeling that I had not felt much in my life and was a little ashamed that I hadn’t. As we got to the shed and I held the door knob, I could see the anticipation in my daughters face and in her smile the unquestionable love she had for me that one moment in time. At the count of three I swung the door open to reveal the present I had given my daughter for her birthday.

There are no words to appropriately describe the horror that was displayed on all the children’s faces at that moment. I’m sure that anything other than a family disaster or all out war carnage will ever make them have a similar one on their faces ever again. Even the mothers and fathers of the children were crying at the sight I had revealed to them.

Looking into the shed what I saw was a group of meat covered bones strewn all throughout the shed. There was blood splattered on the floor and rotting meat hanging from the walls. With the pain of great shock and disbelief in my eyes, I looked at my daughter and said, “Oh no!!! It looks like a mountain lion has eaten your pony”! “Well, let’s go in and watch football”. “Be good little girl and get daddy a beer”.

Yeah I’m sure all the children were traumatized and most of them will need therapy. But the lesson that we learned here was that you should always live near to a butcher that sells old bones and spoiled beef at a reduced price and maybe not telling your children that mountain lions do not live in the city.

Tom Cruise Wishes Hot Lard a Happy Birthday

Hot Lard is turning 1 year old on August 9th. And in celebration of the greatness that is us. We will be displaying some of the birthday greetings we have received from our richer (more important) readers.

Happy Birthday Hot Lard!

At night, after I lock Katie in the cellar, I and Xenu like to drink the blood of a virgin, sacrifice a psychologist and read all the words of wisdom you offer on good ole Hot Lard. Next to my cult…. Errrrrr I mean religion Hot Lard is the most influential part of my life. If you catered to the rich a little more like Scientology did, you could be the most influential.

Enjoy the Xenu cakes we sent you

Tom

See our other B-day wishes here

Sometimes you just need to write it down

If you want something, but don’t know how to ask for it…

Write it down.

C-130 vs Bald Eagle

Freedom Stew!!!

This U.S. Air Force C-130 was flying near Tacoma, Washington when it collided with an bald eagle.  The pilot got splattered with blood.  The C-130 and eagle landed together, but only the C-130 was still alive.

The plane commander requested a change of pants!

The last pic probably should be captioned … “you gotta be fucking kidding me!!!“

Who’s up for chicken?

RSPV a wedding I’ll never go to

In case you are new to the site, I have been getting emails for another person that shares my name. Not sure who this guy is or where he lives, all I know is that for some reason he and I have the same Gmail address and from time to time I get emails that were meant for him. After receiving quite a few of them I decided to start responding. This is the latest.  

The impostor ”me” has been invited to a very charming weddings, but I’m the one that has to respond to the invitation.

Subject: Wedding Matters

Friends,

D and I hope this email finds you well and in good spirits!  We are
writing to touch base regarding our upcoming wedding on May 24, 2008, and to
update you on a couple of things that are in the works.

Formal invitations, which have many of the details you’ll want to know
about, will go out by April 1st, so you should be getting those within the
next couple of weeks.  Regarding accommodations – we have contracted with
several hotels in San Francisco for special event rates.  However, in order
to take advantage of these rates, reservations need to be make within a
month of the event (i.e. the deadline is April 24, 2008 for most places).
Coincident with accommodations come travel plans, and with today’s uncertain
and frequent fluctuations in fuel prices and airline fares, planning ahead
is the way to go.  Thus we urge you to take advantage of the lower fares
which you’ll get further out from the dates that you would like to be in SF.
Finally, give some thought to the time you’ll be spending here and, if you
haven’t been to the Bay Area before or didn’t think you spent enough time
here the last time you came, think about all the awesome things this part of
the country has to offer and perhaps come and stay a few extra days!

If you haven’t already checked it out, our wedding website has a wealth of
information regarding all of the above, including recommendations for
activities, restaurants, and details regarding travel and accommodations, as
well as some other juicy tidbits http://www.mywedding.comXXXXXXXXXX

Please feel free to call or email with questions.  We welcome all inquiries
and very much look forward to seeing you all in the very near future!!  62
days to go!

D & A

Only 62 days!?!?!?!?!?. I have so much to do and I need to find a dress to wear!!! I need to know so much before I can show up. I had better ask a few questions.

Subject: So you finally got your sister to agree…

Dear Skeeter,

Clem an I would be overjoyed to come to your marrying day in May.

However I do have some questions I need to ask so I know what clothes to wear and what ball-gag to bring.

1. At what time will the Monster Trucks be bringing the kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer? You’ve got to be careful with those Pabst kegs, cheep beer can explode when shaken.

2. Why the heck are you only serving us Pabst beers you tight wad?

3. Are Hookers allowed on the grounds? In other words will you be having some there or is it up to us to bring them ourselves?

4. What color under-drawers are you wearing that day? Sorry to ask but Clem needs to know for the sacrifice ceremony. Splatter guards can be put up if you are wearing whitey-tighties.

5. Do you like pig anus fritters? Sally-May-Junebug-Jitterpop-Clementine could whip-up some anus fritters to bring if you want. Please give us a good weeks notice, this dish does take some time to prepare,  pig anus don’t be growing on no trees you know.

6. Will there be a public groping tent? Those are a hoot and I personally don’t think that any wedding or 8th birthday party should be held without a groping tent.

7. Do we need to keep our mentally disabled relatives on a leash? Or is it OK to let them just roam and relieve themselves wherever they see fit. If I has to keep an eye on mine, I just may leave her home with the dog.

What number comes after 7?

9. Will the Winne Dixie and the Jug hollering band be there? Those boys are really good. I love their tune, “I will be lovin my girl like she was my sister tonight”.

10. Do you have a sister… Besides the one you is marrying?

Can’t wait to see you then. Got to go and throw things at old people for a while.

Love and kisses

Ervin.

Boy Howdy I really hope it’s an outdoor wedding, I’d really like to wear that pink strapless number I have. I don’t know if you noticed but they left a web link to their wedding web page. Of course I altered it so you freaks could not go there and harass them. But I did go there and RSVP.

Take a look.

Click on photo for better look

 

I’m just waiting to hear back from the happy couple. 

Ervin Shlopnick Receives A Death Threat Email

Hey kids,

It appears that I have been marked for death. Never would have thought that it would have come via email, but with all the technology we have today, I guess it was inevitable.  I decided that I must reply to my killer and let him know how thrilled I was to be assassinated.  So as my last act of the living, I’m posting the email death threat I just received and the response I sent back. I hope you enjoy them 

The Death Threat

Subject: You must read this immediately

“I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don’t comply. As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don’t have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that. Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information’s we needed about you”.

“So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since their findings shows that you are innocent. I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn’t tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you”.

“Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE?”

“As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, $15,000 is all you need to spend You will first of all pay $8,000 then I will send a tape to you which i receded every discussion i hade with the person who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the tape, you will pay the remaining $7,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up”.

“WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW.REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD!

“I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY. DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 8:PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF MY DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION”.

“GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY”.

S

I must admit that I’m really touched that someone would go through all of this for little ole me.

My reply

Subject: Would you like a succulent ham?

Dear Very Sorry For You,

 

Thank you so very much for this opportunity to live. Next to barnyard porn, living is my most favorite thing in life. I believe that without living, life would not hold much value. And for someone who has been hired to end my living, to give me a second chance to go on living…. You sir are a saint.

 

I must also say that I am flattered that someone out there has thought of me enough to want me dead. Wow, what a compliment! And to pay $15,000 to have someone they don’t know to kill a friend (me)…. Golly it brings a tear to my eye. You never really know how much you are loved until someone wants you dead.

 

It’s almost a shame that paying you will lay to waist someone’s long term planning at having me terminated. I mean they must want me dead for a good reason. And who am I to say that they are incorrect in their thinking. This person may be a much smarter person than I and knows what’s best for me. They may know that death for me is the best choice I could make at this point of my life. But I am unable (or unwilling) to see this and will not end my life on my own. So for my own good they have hired you to end my life for me, thus helping me out.

 

I guess the best plan of action then would be to allow you to kill me at your earliest convenience so that all parties involved can get on with their lives. So where and how would you like to do this? Do you want to come into my home and brutally beat me with a baseball bat? All I ask is that you don’t sodomize me with the bat before doing so. I’m not really into that sort of thing and that would take all the joy out of being beaten to death I think.

 

Hey, you could always come over to my house and we could discuss this. We could plan out my death to be a spectacle for all to see and remember for sometime to come. How about I have my wife put a succulent ham in the oven tonight and you show up about 7ish. That way she can meet the man that will soon make her a widow… Oh and you can meet my soon to be orphaned children too. Boy howdy this will be a swell ole time.

 

Until then, I’ll be counting the blood soaked moments until we meet.

 

XOXO

Ervin Shlopnick.

 

I am sitting at my PC smoking a cigarette and wearing a blindfold…

To be continued? 

Received another Imposter blstern email today – I’m invited to the opera

In case you don’t know the story let me fill you in. Back before I had my name legally change from blstern to Ervin Shlopnick; (For reasons of deportation and underage paternity suits) I would get a lot of emails for this other blstern in my Gmail account. At first I would just delete them, but then after a while I started to reply to them. 

 Reason?

I figured fuck it! This guy has a much better life than me, so why not fuck with his friends. It really doesn’t take much to set me off…. So it would be a good idea to never cut me off on an L.A. freeway. 

After the name change, these emails went away…. until now. Some guy wants me (The other blstern) to get all wet in the pants over some OPERA tickets he has. WTF OPERA!?!?!?!?

So I felt the need to reply to this one to let “J”know how excited I was about opera tickets.

 Enjoy. 

Subject: Tristan & Isolde

Blstern

A friend of mine has 2 tickets to “Tristan & Isolde” for Friday, March 14th. The location is Parterre Box #20, Seats 1 & 2. The ticket face value is $360/seat. I believe he will take less. Anyway, if you know anyone who might be interested, perhaps someone in the opera class, please let me know. By the way, I don’t get a commission. See you on the 21st. I will spread the word, next opera class feb 20th.

J

OH Boy the Opera!!! God I wish it was on Superbowl Sunday!!!!

Subject: Monster Trucks and big boobs

Dear JJ,

Bow Howdy that sure is exciting news; I love opera about as much as neutering my dog, Bloodfang.

However, I may have a small problem with the date. You see, I have some other events I’m going to on the days around this. On March 11th I’m attending the WWE Busty Brawl in Scurvy Hills. I have front row tickets for this one. I’m hoping to get my face slapped with female wrestler blood, sweat and mammaries.

 On the 12^th of March I’m going to the “No Orifice is off limits” hoe-down at old man Jenkins barn in Hooterville. It’s a rip-snortin goober-grabbing good time. I plan on finding my next wife there. Do you know if they have lowered the age for the state marrying laws yet? There is this 15 year old Korean girl I’ve had my eye on and was hoping to hook up with her at the dance.  

 Let’s not forget the, “Bring a bleeding body part” jamboree on the 13^th. I’ve been stalking this 98 year old retiree for some time. I think I can get her left leg without much of a fight at all.

 I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Monster Truck rally with me on the 15^th. Clem has tickets and he keeps asking about you. He keeps saying you have a real “perty mouth”. Not really sure what he means by that, but he has to run off to the bathroom every time he says it and when he comes back he is all sweaty and out of breath.

 We need to get together soon and go to the park. We can spit at the pigeons and nuns again like we did last time.

 Well I need to go and place small live animals in my pants for the next three hours. I really hope the ferret doesn’t bite this time. After that I’m starting my own religion; it will have balloons, blood and dragons. Oh and let’s not forget the virgin sacrifice…. You better not show up that night.

 See yah soon

 XXOO

 B

 

This is what I have so far, will update this post with any response. 

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick (A Pony for my Daughters Birthday)

You should never promise your child a pony for their birthday. I made the mistake of doing that to my daughter and it came back to haunt me. Three weeks before my little girl was to turn 5 she asked me for a pony for her birthday. I was busy with something important like…. Work stuff or football or international cream corn wrestling championships. All I really remember was that I just wanted her to shut up, so I agreed and that was that.

Come the day before her birthday and my wife asked me if I had remembered to get the pony? Of course I had not, but was not going to tell her that or she would be chewing me out during the entire WWE Busty Brawl that I just spent $85.99 on pay-per-view for. So I told her I did and would get out later that day to go to the “FARM” it was at and bring it home.

As I’m driving around that night desperately looking for a pony store that would have maybe a three legged or terminally ill pony they would give me for five dollars, because that was all I had to spend. I spent the rest of the money I had on beer and beef jerky. I was about to give up when I noticed something in my review mirror. As I turned my car around, I had to wipe my eyes to make sure that I was actually seeing what I was seeing. I was saved!!!

The next day after all the kids had arrived for my daughter’s party and they had finished playing games, eating cake and opening all her presents. My sweet little girl looked at me and asked if I had gotten her the pony I promised. I pump out my chest with pride, looked her straight in the eyes and with a big smile on my face I said, “Yes honey I did, let’s go out to the shed so you can ride it”.

As all the kids gleefully skipped and ran to the shed to see my daughter’s new pony, I suddenly knew the wonderful and warm feeling of doing good things for others. It was a grand feeling that I had not felt much in my life and was a little ashamed that I hadn’t.  As we got to the shed and I held the door knob, I could see the anticipation in my daughters face and in her smile the unquestionable love she had for me that one moment in time. At the count of three I swung the door open to reveal the present I had given my daughter for her birthday.

There are no words to appropriately describe the horror that was displayed on all the children’s faces at that moment. I’m sure that anything other than a family disaster or all out war carnage will ever make them have a similar one on their faces ever again. Even the mothers and fathers of the children were crying at the sight I had revealed to them.

Looking into the shed what I saw was a group of meat covered bones strewn all throughout the shed. There was blood splattered on the floor and rotting meat hanging from the walls. With the pain of great shock and disbelief in my eyes, I looked at my daughter and said, “Oh no!!! It looks like a mountain lion has eaten your pony”! “Well, let’s go in and watch football”. “Be good little girl and get daddy a beer”.

Yeah I’m sure all the children were traumatized and most of them will need therapy. But the lesson that we learned here was that you should always live near to a butcher that sells old bones and spoiled beef at a reduced price and maybe not telling your children that mountain lions do not live in the city.

blstern Impostor Email Volume #7 (Dentist Visit)

The fake blstern is apparently having trouble with his teeth and so his dentist sent him me an email. Of course I had to respond to it.

Hi Blstern:

Dr. Solomon cut you a package deal at the time because he thought he would be doing your implants and your fixed bridge. I don’t do implants so I felt it was fine to let him do that work. When I was looking at your X-Rays I realized the only really good teeth left in your mouth were those that I have done fixed bridges or crowns on a decade ago or so. As your friend of over a half century I want to be the one responsible for your fixed bridge in the front so that I will feel confident that they will bury you with your own teeth. This in no way denigrates Dr. Solomon’s bridgework. He hasn’t been in the office long enough for me to know for sure about the quality of his bridgework. I have seen his implants and I was very impressed. The only thing I do know for sure is that I do incomparable bridgework.

I personally have more work than I can handle. I am not looking for another case. It is only for your sake that I am proposing to do the bridge. I have not intervened in any other case even when he is starting cases on patients that I have been working on for over a decade. I have spoken to Dr. Solomon about this. If you are able to pay cash for some of your case I can work it out with him that I do your bridge because in this way he will be compensated for the special deal he cut for you.

Most importantly I want to do what you want to do. If paying some cash is an imposition please let me know. If you are OK with him doing your fixed bridge as well as the implant please let me know that as well and I will stand down. Your next visit relates to the implant only so you have time to make your decision. I just wanted to give you a heads-up on this dynamic. You can e-mail me or we can talk on December 4th at your next visit although sometimes it is hard for me to get free.

Love,

r

Did his dentist really finish his email with “LOVE”? Well I had better reply in kind.

Dearest Sweet R,

Thank you for the email, but I’m afraid that you may have misunderstood what I needed. I did ask for you to look at a cavity but not the one that you are thinking of. I have some very serious rectal warts that are just killing me and I need someone to get in there and destroy those little bastards. I understand that your schooling is in Dentistry, but there really should not be that much difference between the two. We are only talk a distance of three feet south of where you normally work. You should be able to use all the same lingo that you normally do, like:

Open wide
Spit
I need to get my finger in there

Plus I’m sure my breath should be the same to what you are used to.
So what do you say, could you help out an old friend and fellow Skippy the Love Beaver club member?

I’d also like to talk to you about worshiping the moon god of blood and silly string. We could do this while you are working on my butt.

So how are you and the family? How are the kids? How many are you up to now? I know of:

Clem
Juetter
Skirvy Joe
Billy Bob Mary Joe Clementine
Skeeter
Rufus
Bug Face
Squirmy
Poops Alot
Milk Man’s Kid
Number #10
Open Soars
Gary

Did I miss any? Give them all my love and an extra pound of whale blubber for X-mas from me.

Well I must go now, I’m visiting the urinal cake museum today. And then I’m going to rout through garbage cans for our meal tonight. See yah then.

Love and kisses

Blstern

I hope he can help me with my butt warts.

I just like saying that…  “B U T T W A R T S”.

My Thoughts by blster (2007)

 

The year 2007…

It followed the year 2006, and unless I’m mistaken it will lead us right into 2008.

 Yup, you can take that one to the bank.

A Lot of stuff happened in 2007.

There was like this party that one dude had…. and I think there may have been a donkey…. and a naked meter maid or something. I believe that someone may have puked in the sink… Also there was this one girl that was like running from something…. maybe me, or was it a really big chicken.   Golly I remember screaming, blood, and a severed head. hmmmmmmmmm. Hey, I did light my own fart!!! Or was that I blew up my house…? With my family in it???

I’m not really sure, I was pretty much stone out of my mind the whole year.

 Happy new year ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm 204H or something.

I could use a double beef and been burrito…. and some Twinkies…. covered with chocolate….. stuff. Yeah that would rule.