In case you are new to the site, I have been getting emails for another person that shares my name. Not sure who this guy is or where he lives, all I know is that for some reason he and I have the same Gmail address and from time to time I get emails that were meant for him. After receiving quite a few of them I decided to start responding. This is the latest.
The impostor ”me” has been invited to a very charming weddings, but I’m the one that has to respond to the invitation.
Subject: Wedding Matters
Friends,
D and I hope this email finds you well and in good spirits! We are
writing to touch base regarding our upcoming wedding on May 24, 2008, and to
update you on a couple of things that are in the works.
Formal invitations, which have many of the details you’ll want to know
about, will go out by April 1st, so you should be getting those within the
next couple of weeks. Regarding accommodations – we have contracted with
several hotels in San Francisco for special event rates. However, in order
to take advantage of these rates, reservations need to be make within a
month of the event (i.e. the deadline is April 24, 2008 for most places).
Coincident with accommodations come travel plans, and with today’s uncertain
and frequent fluctuations in fuel prices and airline fares, planning ahead
is the way to go. Thus we urge you to take advantage of the lower fares
which you’ll get further out from the dates that you would like to be in SF.
Finally, give some thought to the time you’ll be spending here and, if you
haven’t been to the Bay Area before or didn’t think you spent enough time
here the last time you came, think about all the awesome things this part of
the country has to offer and perhaps come and stay a few extra days!
If you haven’t already checked it out, our wedding website has a wealth of
information regarding all of the above, including recommendations for
activities, restaurants, and details regarding travel and accommodations, as
well as some other juicy tidbits http://www.mywedding.comXXXXXXXXXX
Please feel free to call or email with questions. We welcome all inquiries
and very much look forward to seeing you all in the very near future!! 62
days to go!
D & A
Only 62 days!?!?!?!?!?. I have so much to do and I need to find a dress to wear!!! I need to know so much before I can show up. I had better ask a few questions.
Subject: So you finally got your sister to agree…
Dear Skeeter,
Clem an I would be overjoyed to come to your marrying day in May.
However I do have some questions I need to ask so I know what clothes to wear and what ball-gag to bring.
1. At what time will the Monster Trucks be bringing the kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer? You’ve got to be careful with those Pabst kegs, cheep beer can explode when shaken.
2. Why the heck are you only serving us Pabst beers you tight wad?
3. Are Hookers allowed on the grounds? In other words will you be having some there or is it up to us to bring them ourselves?
4. What color under-drawers are you wearing that day? Sorry to ask but Clem needs to know for the sacrifice ceremony. Splatter guards can be put up if you are wearing whitey-tighties.
5. Do you like pig anus fritters? Sally-May-Junebug-Jitterpop-Clementine could whip-up some anus fritters to bring if you want. Please give us a good weeks notice, this dish does take some time to prepare, pig anus don’t be growing on no trees you know.
6. Will there be a public groping tent? Those are a hoot and I personally don’t think that any wedding or 8th birthday party should be held without a groping tent.
7. Do we need to keep our mentally disabled relatives on a leash? Or is it OK to let them just roam and relieve themselves wherever they see fit. If I has to keep an eye on mine, I just may leave her home with the dog.
What number comes after 7?
9. Will the Winne Dixie and the Jug hollering band be there? Those boys are really good. I love their tune, “I will be lovin my girl like she was my sister tonight”.
10. Do you have a sister… Besides the one you is marrying?
Can’t wait to see you then. Got to go and throw things at old people for a while.
Love and kisses
Ervin.
Boy Howdy I really hope it’s an outdoor wedding, I’d really like to wear that pink strapless number I have. I don’t know if you noticed but they left a web link to their wedding web page. Of course I altered it so you freaks could not go there and harass them. But I did go there and RSVP.
Take a look.
Click on photo for better look
I’m just waiting to hear back from the happy couple.
A Pony for my Daughters Birthday
Posted: January 31, 2009 by Ervin Sholpnick in Animals, Best Of, Classic Comments, Demotivator, Humor, Kodak Moment, life, ThoughtsTags: Birthday, Blood, Butcher, daughter, joy, Love, Meat, Oh My God, Pony, present, splatter, Suprise
Here is one from the vault. I wrote this way back in the early days of Hot Lard. I re-read this the other day and laughed so hard I nearly soiled myself. Anything that good should be brought out of storage and have the dust blown off so others can enjoy it. It’s an oldie but a goody…
Enjoy
You should never promise your child a pony for their birthday. I made the mistake of doing that to my daughter and it came back to haunt me. Three weeks before my little girl was to turn 5 she asked me for a pony for her birthday. I was busy with something important like…. Work stuff or football or international cream corn wrestling championships. All I really remember was that I just wanted her to shut up, so I agreed and that was that.
Come the day before her birthday and my wife asked me if I had remembered to get the pony? Of course I had not, but was not going to tell her that or she would be chewing me out during the entire WWE Busty Brawl that I just spent $85.99 on pay-per-view for. So I told her I did and would get out later that day to go to the “FARM” it was at and bring it home.
As I’m driving around that night desperately looking for a pony store that would have maybe a three legged or terminally ill pony they would give me for five dollars, because that was all I had to spend. I spent the rest of the money I had on beer and beef jerky. I was about to give up when I noticed something in my review mirror. As I turned my car around, I had to wipe my eyes to make sure that I was actually seeing what I was seeing. I was saved!!!
The next day after all the kids had arrived for my daughter’s party and they had finished playing games, eating cake and opening all her presents. My sweet little girl looked at me and asked if I had gotten her the pony I promised. I pump out my chest with pride, looked her straight in the eyes and with a big smile on my face I said, “Yes honey I did, let’s go out to the shed so you can ride it”.
As all the kids gleefully skipped and ran to the shed to see my daughter’s new pony, I suddenly knew the wonderful and warm feeling of doing good things for others. It was a grand feeling that I had not felt much in my life and was a little ashamed that I hadn’t. As we got to the shed and I held the door knob, I could see the anticipation in my daughters face and in her smile the unquestionable love she had for me that one moment in time. At the count of three I swung the door open to reveal the present I had given my daughter for her birthday.
There are no words to appropriately describe the horror that was displayed on all the children’s faces at that moment. I’m sure that anything other than a family disaster or all out war carnage will ever make them have a similar one on their faces ever again. Even the mothers and fathers of the children were crying at the sight I had revealed to them.
Looking into the shed what I saw was a group of meat covered bones strewn all throughout the shed. There was blood splattered on the floor and rotting meat hanging from the walls. With the pain of great shock and disbelief in my eyes, I looked at my daughter and said, “Oh no!!! It looks like a mountain lion has eaten your pony”! “Well, let’s go in and watch football”. “Be good little girl and get daddy a beer”.
Yeah I’m sure all the children were traumatized and most of them will need therapy. But the lesson that we learned here was that you should always live near to a butcher that sells old bones and spoiled beef at a reduced price and maybe not telling your children that mountain lions do not live in the city.