Archive for the ‘Video games’ Category
Tags: atari, atari 2600, demotivation, demotivational, Demotivational posters, game console, games, playstation, Video games, Wal-Mart, xbox
One of the many horrors of my summer weekends is the “Garage Sale”. This is where my wife forces me to go look at the crap that other people don’t want, but we might. Normally I’d rather spend the weekend being a prison bitch, than have to watch my wife fight off some 78 year old Mexican woman for a used towel with Elvis on it.
This weekend was no different, until I made a great discovery. Now, some of you children may not remember the Atari 2600 game console, but to an old fart like me, it was a piece of heaven. So imagine my surprise when I found a 2600 console and a shit-load of games being given away by some dumb-ass. So I beat down a 6 year old boy and his grandmother to get me this treasure of the 80’s and brought it home. I was amazed at the good condition of the console and its games. And the titles were unbelievable; just take a look at some of the fun games I will be playing…
Tags: hulahoop, nice ass, nintendo wii, wii fit
Now, I’m not normally the person everyone would call a Wii Fanboy, but the video below is BY FAR the only reason why every guy should buy their lady the Wii Fit:
Tags: Demotivator, gaming, hottie, nintendo, Video games, zelda
Tags: blue screen of death, fps, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Microsoft
Tags: ball game, barry bonds, Baseball, Baseball sucks, bonds, Cheater, Football, football rules, Midget porn, MLB, NFL, pro sports, the natural
In case you haven’t noticed (and my guess is that you haven’t), the Major League Baseball season has started … in Japan. WTF is up with that!?!?!?
Well anyway, I’d like to be the first to let baseball know that nobody fucking cares the season has started because the league sucks! Hmmmmmmm, let me guess … the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox franchises are the favorites to spend the most money errrrrrrrrrrrrr … I mean, win the World Series. Of course in baseball, those two phrases pretty-much mean the same thing.
Congratulations Baseball on another season where five revenue-generating teams are competing for the championship while the rest of the league break-in their really good players only to have them be bought by one of those five teams next year.
I guess all I can hope for is that THIS IS THE YEAR that one of your roided-up players will finally explode on national TV. Or snap and take out the first two rows of fans with a meat clever. (If there are actually that many in the stands that is)
One good thing about the start of baseball season… It means that Football season is only four months away.
Tags: 360, conan, review, video game, xbox, xbox 360, xbox360
A while back, I beat Eragon for the Xbox 360. Eragon is button-mashing hack-n-slash game. It’s a weak story with fugly next-gen graphics, cheesy one-liners, and terrible fighting mechanics. Why did I play this game? Because I bought it for less than $10 new and felt I should continue the pain and suffering.
Why am I talking about Eragon when this is a review for Conan? To be frank, Conan brought forth excruciating memories from the past. Almost everything about Conan sucked. Below are the good and the bad.
- CAMERA POSITION: In a 3rd person video game, camera position/angle is key. If you fuck this up, then I can’t see the bad guys! If you force me to replay a section simply because your game engine sucks so bad that you take it out on me, well … go fuck yourself Nihilistic Software and THQ.
- UNBALANCE ENEMIES: Why does a fleshy tiger require 10 hits to bring down when an armored man with a blade fighting back and block my sword swings only take 3 or 4 hits? If I’m in the middle of a combo on said tiger, how does it find room to stop my attack and get in a few good paw swipes on my burly chest?
- INVISIBLE WALLS: Not so bad if you have a visual clue that you’re not allow to go there. But, if Conan is running around trying to take cover or evade enemy attacks, please don’t make it appear as though I can go over there when all that does is leave me open to attacks my giant apes. That leads me to my next complaint.
- GIANT APES: WTF? These psychos take beating and dish it out too. I’m sorry, but if put enough force behind a meat cleaver, you’re gonna get chopped in two! Yeah-yeah, use the magic and stone him to death. Sure … ok. * sigh*
- FINAL BOSS BATTLE: Man, talk about lame and retarded. This douche bag’s death was longer and more drawn out than these. This fight, even on Easy difficulty, was stupid-hard. Not hard as in “figure out the best weapon attack and when to strike” attack … this was more like “avoid my dreadlocks as they whip around in a giant circle while avoiding these tar-covered zombies who and found Conan’s only weakness … spinning helicopter punches to his obviously weak and punny chest” attacks. I swear, at one point I had jumped in the air, and began a heavy attack to slaughter some of these tar dudes when then they (weapon-less mind you) figured out how to beat physics and somehow juggle me in the air with spinning helicopter punches (yes, the kind you and your kid brother used to do to each other when you were a kid). Think of Zangief’s spinning punches, except done by tiny little dudes half the size of Conan with no shields or weapons.
- BUTTON SEQUENCES: I suppose when done correctly, button sequences have their place. In Conan, you’re given about 5 milliseconds after the button you’re supposed to press appears and the time to your untimely death. The only other game where I’ve had to deal with a button sequence was Tomb Raider: Legend. Now, I can’t say it was perfect, but at least the sequence didn’t change, and you were given about 1-2 seconds for your brain to register which button to press. Conan’s just sucked, even on Easy difficulty.
- MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT: I’ll admit, there were plenty of hours spent playing Conan that were enjoyable. As with Call of Duty 2 or 3, it was fun to slaughter Nazis as a good stress reliever. The same was true with Conan. It was fun to hack-n-slash about an hour or so at a time. Conan was a good in-between game that allowed my left hand a break from Guitar Hero 3 (I hate you Neversoft for including Raining Blood by Slayer in GH3).
- HILARIOUS DIALOG: Conan is a man’s man. He dished out quite a few Schwarzenegger-esque lines. Many directed at his soon-to-be-dead foes. Some that come to mind just as Conan put the finishing move to his victim were “I’ll cleave your skull to your teeth” and “You cry like a child” and “Face Crom”. No doubt, Crom is some kind of mystical god. He’s mentioned quite a bit in the game.
- MAIDENS: Conan is rated M for Mature. There are buckets of blood shed in this game (check), brutal combat sequences (check), and topless whores (double-check) waiting for you to crush them with your love. The topless maidens are scattered throughout each level just waiting for you to rescue them. A few the hotties simply wonder where their clothes went; while others never suspected their savior would be so strong. Buuuuut, a few can’t wait for you to drop your drawers in the mist of major combat sequence to crush them with your (obviously) huge and massive … love. You get the idea. See below:
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this game. While there are more bad things outlined above, there were enough good quality moments that seemed to make me forget about some of the bad. The kicker, however, is that I borrowed this from a friend … I can guarantee that if I’d spent money on this game, I would have been upset. Maybe not so much if I rented it, but this game just wasn’t enjoyable-enough to recommend … even as a rental. My advice is to find someone willing to let you borrow it. If you simply must play it, rent only.
This is a sad, but one of many additions to the Xbox 360 library. You have better options for your video game dollars. With respect to the Playstation 3, I feel sorry for those with so few good games to choose from have yet another shitty game to add to your small (but growing) library of choices.
I give Conan 3 decapitations out of 10.
Tags: anal sex, Blow me, Crack Whore, Cum, Dating, Facial, games, grades, Hand Job, jerk off, jerking off, job, nintendo, skills, skillz, Slut, Spew, Swallow, ticket, wack off, wii
It’s great training for those skills you will need for dating… or getting a better grade…. or getting out of a ticket… or getting that job you want.
I just wanted everyone to know that some Nintendo Wii
news fan site web site found us using their Google Adsense account and is now endorsing Hot Lard.
Fucking brilliant … click on the image for the full view.
Tags: cheezburger, demotivation, demotivational, Demotivational posters, John Holmes, motivational, motivational posters, motivvation, posters, XXX
Don’t get me wrong, I like “I Can Has Cheezburger”. It is really good for a rated “G” laugh. But for my NC-17 sense of humor, sometimes I need a little bit more than what they offer. So here are a group of kitty, puppy and bunny photos that I’m sure will never make it on “I Can Has Cheezburger”.
Click on picture for a better look.
And in case you missed it.
Animals are fun
See even more photos here