Archive for the ‘SPAM’ Category
Tags: Email, girlfriend, health, Josh Hartnett, sexual death, shopping, SPAM, viagra, Vomit
Please, someone help me define “sexual death”.
Here are some possible scenarios I can think of:
- death during sex due to strangulation
- death during sex due to ice pick in the temple
- death during sex due to limp dick
- death during sex due to laughter
- death during sex due to rabid dog attack
- death during sex due to extremely vicious vomit spew-age
Tags: Beer, Computer, dick cheney, dweeb, Josh Hartnett, keystone beer, Nerd, Puke, SPAM, Vomit
Tags: chinese, Crack, Drugs, Email, Gay, gay sex, heroin, Josh Hartnett, kill bill, meryl streep, pearl harbor, Pill, poop, Sex, SPAM, syndrome, the bucket list
In about two day’s time, my SPAM email count went from 0 to over 1,000. Here are some memorable subject lines:
g ShortDick? Sad? you will feel happy with our help, Click here to find out how wzhzf j6eby30
You know, I was almost persuaded to visit their site. I guess it was the random letters that tipped me off. Too bad for them, because I really wanted to know if my sadness was related to ShortDick syndrome. I have overheard that ShortDick syndrome is is an off-shoot of PencilDick Disease from a well-respected abortion doctor who lives two doors down from me. His drug representatives visit him during odd hours of the night and sometimes party until 4 PM when I get home from the library.
Break the monotony of life with a cool watch.
If your life is so sad that a new watch is the only pick-me-up you have not yet tried, then boy are you messed up in the head. This pretty-much means you have:
- experimented with crack, and didn’t notice anything different
- ear drops of heroin
- had a good time with gay sex
- thought gay sex with a Chinese man (yes, it is different) sounded like fun
- attended taint-shaving classes during the evening with your Uncle Lewis
- pierced bamboo shutes up your fingernails, doused with kerosene
- watched Pearl Harbor, and liked it
- watched the hospital rape scene in Kill Bill Volume 1, and picked up a few pointers along the way
I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g. oon marijuana or some other drug).
I am so glad this was clarified in parenthesis because I was willing to pay a lot of money to experiment a good stoning while having sex. As in The Bucket List, I have a list of things to accomplish before I die. Frankly, having sex while getting stoned (with stones, not drugs) was up there in the top ten. Here are some other things I need to check-off before the Grim Reaper taps me on the shoulder:
- have sex with Meryl Streep
- visit Iran
- convince the Germans that Budweiser is the best beer in the world
- fill my bathtub with lotion and masturbate for a month
Just a small-pill will cure all your doubts and restore the life you will not help enjoying.
The cure to my small penis and tiny self-esteem is not another small pill. God dammit! When will these people figure out that I need a pill so large … it would choke a donkey like the shit I take after a double-dose of steak & eggs from my local Dennys?
Hey wait a minute? I just realized something! If this pill cures my doubts and restores my life, why won’t it let me enjoy my newfound success? This magical pill will apparently pay my bills, increase my penis size, and bring Meryl Streep to my front door. However, I will be in debt to the mafia, John Holmes would be jealous of my girth, and the jet airliner carrying (none other than) Meryl Streep will crash-land on my car while I’m driving to my monthly ShortDick Syndrome & Me self-help classes!
God dammit, I can’t catch a break!
Tags: Brawny, cocaine, Dreams, Email, forwards, Fox News, Homeless, Jack Black, Love, Lysol, Murdoch, nutsack, semen, SPAM, viagra, Virgin
Since blstern posted about an email forward that he replied to, I thought I’d share my own experience. Below is an email that was sent to me; I dutifully replied to everyone on the email forward list. Enjoy!
I love these emails … they allow me the opportunity to fine-tune my wit. Please read my responses to the points made in the initial email in red text.
This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you — and me!
You have 6 minutes
Realistically, six minutes is way too much time if you ask me … for proof, ask any woman! I believe the going-rate is approximately 49 seconds, if you’re in the mood. Less time if your partner is in the mood as well.
There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This has been sent To you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.
Is this the same Tony Robbins with the ginormous head and teeth? I was unaware he was an expert at anything, rather a jack-hole of all trades… Hmm, interesting. Are his book sales in the dumpster since his last movie role as Jack Black’s motivational helper in Shallow Hal?
Do not keep this message.
Trust me; I didn’t plan on keeping it, let alone reading the entire thing. I get at least 5 of these demotivational emails a day alongside my numerous v|@gr@ offers (how’d they know???).
This must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
If after six minutes of being in my hand, I’d expect a nasty surprise too. Of course, I’m usually prepared with a slew of cleanup supplies (Lysol disinfectant, putty knife, paint thinner, Brawny hefty ultra absorbent paper towels). What does everyone else use for ‘cleanup’?
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
I live and die by this statement. I cheerfully give more than my fair share of roundhouse kicks to the homeless. It turds my undies more than anything to see the homeless ruining our beloved abandoned houses and bridge supports. Does handing out tainted needles to the homeless count as being “too kind”?
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Because we all know gettin’ funky in bed is overrated. Conversation skills in bed simply amount to endless moaning and groaning, as well as the occasional “GET OFF OF ME!”.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Are you implying that I shouldn’t believe the Cultural Warrior himself, Bill O’Reilly and Murdoch’s media empire, Faux News?! Sometimes the voices in my head tell me to buy more Viagra, and take a nap … is that wrong?
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you ,’ mean it.
Only if it means we can have sex.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
Do all those that have been wronged have only one eye? That seriously freaks me out. Be sure to show them their other eye when you say it. I’m sure they’ll understand.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
10 years ain’t bad.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
Or, after the first date.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
If you can’t find a reason to laugh at someone’s ridiculous dream, they never should have told you in the first place. Dreams are meant to be made fun of. Especially if the dream was the person was being chased by rabid dogs and zombies, and fell off a cliff … those are the best!
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
I do, for 49 seconds.
TEN. . In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
How else are you going to belittle someone that is much stronger that yourself? Name calling is fair game to me. I suppose kicking an unsuspecting dude in the nutsack seems fair.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
Unless their relatives are in jail for the grisly murder of an Amish family. Or, unless the mother is very fat and ugly. That means her daughter/your girlfriend will look like that in the future. And, who wants that?
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
Yeah, everyone loves talking to Southerners. Also, I don’t want people to get the idea that I am an habitual cocaine abuser.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
If I ask a question and you don’t answer, I will assume you’re stupid. So therefore, if someone asks me a question and I don’t want to answer, I will just kick them in the nutsack. I don’t want someone to get the wrong idea of my intellectual well-being.
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Yeah, like tapping your first virgin.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
And “Yeee Hawwww” when they fart.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson!
Or the lesson could be that you’re loser and it’s time to put the barrel of the gun in your mouth.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
There are actually four Rs … Remember to wash the trunk of your car.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship..
Otherwise you’ll be washing the trunk of your car the next morning.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Sober-up and get out there and wash that trunk!
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Smile, but hold the phone to your ass and confuse the hell out of the caller.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
If you’ve played your cards right, you’ll be spending a lot of time alone in prison. Unless of course you get a roomie.
Tags: Advertise, Airport, Brothel, Casino, Chess, Depends, Fist, Gambling, Grow, Honda, Hookers, Hot Fudge Sundae, Iron Fist, Knowledge, L, Love, Mega, Pickles, Pony, Reno, RSS, RSS Feed, Scam, Slots, URL, Website
We at Hot lard are always interested in expanding our little site so that we may be able to bring love and joy to the entire Internet….. Before we conquer it.
Below is an email we received from www.gamblingplanet.org asking if we could do a RSS feed swap. All we have to do is place them on our site and they will do the same for ours. This sounds really good because being an avid gambler myself, I know that when I’m throwing away my children’s college education fund, there is nothing I want to do more than read about Russian whores and look at silly mullet photos.
From: Anjana Kohli <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: RSS Feed and Link Exchange
I am the link manager of www.gamblingplanet.org
I visited your website and I am interested in exchanging links from your website.
I will add your link on http://www.onlinecasinoworlds.com
and not only this, we will also give you free RSS Feed for your website to have higher impact on your ranking
Please add below site link in a minimum PR 1 Page.
Please add our link on your site and send us URL and once confirmed we will also add your link and will provide you with the RSS Feed to put at your website.
I assure you for the improved rankings through our RSS Feed for both of us. Hope to hear from you soon.
Note: This email is NOT spam and is sent by human being for LINK EXCHANGE purpose . It is NOT spam email.
So of course I took this serious l and replied with a small list of demands
Thank you so much for the consideration of placing a link for my site on yours. It is really good to know that people have found my little slice of worldly knowledge and are interested enough in it to want to advertise on it. I’m sure that if we work together we may be able to help each other to grow to a point that we can rule this internet with an iron fist.
Before I do this though, I would like a few things from you first.
1. I want $400 in free chips that I can use to spend on gambling and hookers.
2. I want you to fly me to the Reno airport where I can spend the day playing quarter slots.
3. Want $300 in quarters to spend on quart slots in Reno…. and on hookers.
4. A hot fudge Sundae with extra pickles.
5. A List of all local brothels.
6. Insider information on the 2007 national Chess championship.
7. A 1982 Honda Accord
8. A really cool permanent marker
9. 12 month supply of Depends
10. A Pony
Once you meet my demands I will then allow your site to be advertised on my MEGA WEB SITE OF POWER AND LOVE!
The “L” stands for pointy feet
Once I get the pony I’ll let you all ride it.
Tags: Bukkaki, Crack Whore, Email, Email Scams, Long Distance Dating, Nigeria, Nigerian Email Scams, Poll Dancing, Puking, Russian Whore, Scams, Whore
Use the links below if you would like to read the first two Russian Whore Sagas also.
After my last exchange with a Russian Whore I swore to myself I would never get involved with one again. Then some time past and the fact that people just don’t talk to me started to sink in again and I found myself desperate for any sort of conversation. Then I get this e-mail…
Do not ignore me please,
I found your email somewhere and now decided to write you.
Let me know if you do not mind. If you want I can send you some pictures of me.
I am a nice pretty girl. Don’t reply to this email.
Email me direclty at email@example.com
First off, it did say to “not” Ignore her. And one thing I have learned from my many years on this Internet thingy is that you always listen to what your e-mail has to say to you. If you can’t trust your e-mail, then the evil hoards have taken over the world and we all might as well start living as the animals do. Like sniffing each other butts and drinking out of the toilet I guess. Plus there is no mention what so ever of Russia, Whores or not listening. So I think this one might be safe to reply to.
Do we know each other?
I figured I’d make it short and sweet . Don’t want to scare this one away by being to wordy. No need to mention my bleeding rectal warts at this time. All I need to do is set back and wait for a response.
Subject: Nice to meet you, your new friend Lyubov
Hello my new friend
I’m so happy to receive your answer! It was good to meet you on dating site! You made my day! I feel something special about you so I hope you will like my email and photos!
There was not much in my profile because I didn’t know what should I write there, I’ve never posted my profile before and I was not sure how it works.
I’ve never tried to find someone in Internet but soon I will come to your country to work there, so I will have a work visa and a permission to work.
My friend worked in the USA somewhere near Fort Lauderdale two years ago. She worked in amusement park from 11 am till 6 pm and from 7 pm till 3 am she worked in a bar.
Of course she was always tired but she made very good money! I think I can do it too! Now she is in Europe, working for 3 months. She wrote me she liked to work in the USA better!
I want to find a man who can tell me about the life over there and maybe of course something more then just a friend!!! I don’t have a boyfriend so I’m free for new adventures!!!
I’m in Russia now, but soon I will leave Russia to make my trip so you can forget about our distance.
I’ve never been abroad, only in the South of Russia, the Black Sea, Sochi. I like warm climate )) According to my visa I can work in your country for 3 months,
I can prolong it to 6 months if I want. After 6 months staying over there I can go home or try to get a green card.
I think my level of English is quite good, but although it’s very simple. I can’t read philosophy books in English or business books)))
Anyway I want to improve my English while staying over there. I write and speak English by myself. My spoken English is good too.
We have Discovery channel here in English (my friend has cable TV, so I come to watch it!). I like this channel so much! Very interesting!
I’m sending four pics for you. one is me last summer in Sochi (South of Russia) near the black sea. The view is very beautiful!!!! Another two is me at home.
I live in small town here in Russia, and I decided to find someone by Internet not to be alone when I make my trip. The life is different in every country and
I think it’s hard to live there when you don’t know anybody.
I can do some simple job as a waitress, or to work in some shop. And later when I improve my English I want to find a better job!
I will start my trip from St.-Petersburg, I will go there to pass English tests and have an interview. I think everything will be OK!
Working program helps me to get the visa, permission for work and all travel documents and they will help me to get job.
It’s a special program for young people who is not lazy and make some money.
Also they can settle me with another girls from Russia who came to work there too, it’s very cheap.
Here I can earn only about 250-300$ a month to work from mornig till evening (my city is really small).
I think I can change my life and see many wonderful things and just different life. I am full of plans and different dreams.
I am sure you will be not disappointed to meet me in the real life!!!
I don’t have a special plan or something like that for a new relationship, I’m open to everything!
I don’t want to be an abuse for you, if you will not want me as your woman, we can be just friends!
But I hope you like me and my photos!
I had a boyfriend, but it was nothing serious and we broke up one year ago because he moved to Vladivostok.
OK, I will finish this email… I don’t know what else I could write you in my first email. Your questions are welcomed!
Please answer me even if you don’t like me, because you are the only man I am responding to. If you don’t like me I will continue my search.
I hope so much to receive your answer!!!
I hope we can have a nice communication by emails so I will know somebody is waiting for me over there! Not so long time to wait for me, really?
I hope you are my soulmate and we match each other!
Next time I can answer your questions if you have some and tell you about my family, send you many pics of my family, also more of my photos!!!
Tell me about yourself and the place where you live! And send me photos!
Please write me at this mailbox, ” firstname.lastname@example.org “
Sincerely, Lyubov (real name)
God Damn it to fucking hell!!!! Another Non-Listening Russian Whore!!!
Or is it? I mean, this really could be the one. Maybe this is finally my one real chance at finding love. Or is this just the lack of human to human sex talking? What ever it is I had better tell her about my self and see if she will like me.
Subject: I am your man!!!
Sorry it took me awhile to get back with you. I have been out of town.
I am your man!!! I said that earlier in the subject line too. But beings you’re from Russian I’m not sure if you are smart enough to read it, so I decided to tell you again in the body of the letter. Speaking of bodies, I’d like to see some of yours before I make any decision on supporting your ass here in the states. You have a real pretty face and all. I printed out a life size copy of it for kissing and licking. I even painted your face in one of my marathon masturbation sessions. I must admit I liked seeing you wearing my pearl necklace. But now I must see the rest of you to know if I could stand holding you close and going down on you.
So is blond your natural color? Just wondering, I sort of like to know what my gal will look like down there. Your stringy blond hair gives me the idea that you will look like a 5th grade girl in the pubic region. Would you mind dying it to a darker color, not that I mind you looking young, but it is easier to find it in my teeth.
How do you feel about changing diapers? Please don’t get my wrong, I’m not asking you to squirt out some kids right at the moment. The diapers are mine. Now before you get that look on your face, let me make a few things real clear to you. I am not an invalid, I am not confined to a wheel chair or bed and need someone to feed and change me all day long. I can walk and run and dance. All my parts work, especially down there. What I am is a Professional Gamer that travels the world to participate in various Doom, Quake, and My Little Pony video tournaments. Some of the rounds during competition can take upwards to 8 to 10 hours and I find that if I have to hold my water or bowel movements, it can affect my play. So I started to wear adult diapers. This way I could just go when I had to and my game playing would not suffer. But what happened was that I started to like the feeling of the diapers…. After they had been used a few times. There is no sensation greater than setting on your own warm urine. So now I wear them full time and I would like you to change them for me. I could do it my self, but I figure hell you’re from Russia so I’m sure you have had to do crapper things than change some guys diapers.
Another thing I want to know is if you have a tail? I know that doctors in Russia have free reign to perform DNA experiments on unborn fetuses. I’ve been told that some of the out comes of these experiments can be a tail or in some other instances, cross gender body parts. So what I want to know is:
A. Do you have a tail? If so, how long? If it is long enough, it would be fun for our barn yard sexual evenings. I can be farmer Brown and you can be “Gitty-Up” the naughty pony that never says naaaaaaaaay.
B. Do you have a penis? This could be a problem because I already have one and am not looking for another at this time. If you do have a penis please put me in contact with a girl that only has a tail.
Well, I need to go and force feed my grandma bologna and Flintstone chewables before she starts reaching for the dogs private parts again. This will be one of your jobs when you get here.
Can’t wait to hear back from you
Your love Harry
Now that is a love letter!!!! No girl can resist those charms!!! I bet she is stickier than the bathroom floor of an all cross gender porno shop right now.
Subject: Happy see your letter. your Lyubov
Hello! Thank’s for your reply so much!!! I hope soon I will be able to come to your area by my birthday and we
will meet each other! I’m not sure why I picked you but I feel something special about you!
This time I will write you more about myself. I think you should know more about my life and my hobbies so you will know if
we have any common interests.
So you already know my full name – Lyubov Vshivkova . I’m 25 years
old, not that young I think? My birthday is October ,17. I’m 169 cm tall
(5.6.) and 51 kg weight (about 120 pounds, I’m not sure how much it is in pound but I’m not fat!). I don’t know exactly my
bust-waist-hips measurements, I don’t have a reason to measure it because I think it’s OK and my body is proportionate )) I
take care of my body, I do aerobics three times a week and two times a week I go to the swimming pool twice a week.
We live with our parents in 2 room apartment.
The name of my city is Shabrask, it’s near Irkutsk city. Shabrask is quite small city and Irkutsk is a large city, the main city
in our district.
Have you ever heard about the lake Baykal? It’s near Irkutsk! It’s the deepest and cleanest lake in the whole world. It’s
I graduated from Irkutsk Humanitarian University two years ago, contemporary dance faculty. Yes we have such faculty in
Humanitarian University! So I’m a professional dancer. I don’t want to have a dancer’s career because I will have not much
time for my private life and for relationship with a man. I work as a dance teacher, I teach children from 12 to 17 years
how to dance! Also I have a certificate of fitness instructor, this is my another hobby. So it would be perfect if later I
will find a work as instructor or teacher of dances!!! I think it’s a very good job for a woman, I’m always in a good shape
and I keep myself not that busy!
Do you know how to dance? If not I can teach you!
I can dance many different styles.
When I come to your city I will work as a waitress in a restaurant. I would like to work as a dance teacher but I think you
understand it’s not possible to arrange such work by Internet because they want to see how well I dance.
Anyway I will try to find such work when I come over there. Or maybe not a dancer but aerobics instructor, I think it’s also
very good job.
I’m sending few photos for you today! I hope you are not tired to look at my photos?
The first one is me in summer.
The second one is me with my parents.
The third one is me to skate
I’m happy my parents will be not alone when I leave the for another country. Of course I will miss everybody but I want to
have my own happiness!
In winter I like skiing, although we have cold winters… our summers are warm usually.
I color my hair to blond. The natural color of my hair is fair. I hope that’s not a problem for you or you like natural
color of hair?
My father is 54 years old now, my mom is 48. You see my mom is much younger then my father and they are very happy together.
My mother is a teacher of music in the school. I can play piano also, she teached me how to play piano. I finished music
school and I still play piano about once a week.
I like classic music, jazz, rock, lounge. I like music at all!
I want to try how to ride a motorcycle someday! I’ve never tried it!
Do you have an International Airport in your city? Please write me it’s name an code. Or write me the name of the nearest
Airport to you.
I write you my emails from Internet cafe, I don’t have my own computer.
If you want I can call you when I’m in St-Petersrug, it would be nice to talk to you. I will be really happy to call you
from St-Petersrug. Now I’m not at home often and of you call me my father will pick up the phone and he can’t speak any
English and he will be shocked to hear the English speech. I still didn’t tell him about you but I’m going to tell him this
week, I will write you about his thoughts on this topic!
I suppose in few days I will leave for St-Petersrug and start my trip!
There is no any messenger in this Cafe so we can only keep emailing each other. I hope you are not getting bored to read my
My address here is Russia, Shabrask, Lenina 54 street, flat 98.
So now you have a representation of who I am….
I just can tell you that I enjoy life and I try to live to the fullest, I like to try new things. I’m not that smart.. I was
not that good in mathematics, physics, biology and so on! But I’m very tender, caring, artistic, faithful, decent person.
Sometimes I can be not well organized, I think everybody had it’s own minuses and pluses.
I don’t look any special qualities in a man. I just hope he will be faithful to me and ready to create a happy family with
me and I will do everything to make him happy. I’m looking for a soulmate!
OK… it’s time to finish my email. I’m sending a kiss by the wind to you and if I sent it to the right destination you
should receive it by evening )))) I hope you will catch my kiss somehow )))
bye! your Sincerely, your Lyubov
Hmmmmmm, Can tell from the pictures that she defiantly has no tail. But she seemed to skirt some of my questions. I’m going to give her a bye on this one though. She may have been so moist from my last e-mail that she kept slipping off her chair and falling on her dirty ass Russian floor and forgot to answer them all. Plus, how could anyone that takes a picture with their parents be a liar. I think it is time to tell her of my love for her.
To start off my nearest airport is the St Louis International Airport, in St Louis. Please fly there as soon as possible so I may hold you in my arms and shower you with golden fluid.
Reading your words has brought much joy to my life. I read your e-mail three times and defecated in my Depends continuously as I did. I am saving one of my diapers for you to look at when you arrive. The poo stain has the appearance of the Virgin Mary weeping over the crucified body of a turtle, or it could be the Olsen twins doing a poll dance with a donkey. It’s such a holy site that when I first saw it I pooed myself not realizing I had not changed my diaper as of yet. When you arrive I think we should be married with this hanging over us. Or you could wear it as a head piece.
I looked up the lake you were talking about. I’m sure that for Russian standards this is a very nice place to live. Here in America we would call that a Shit Hole. I have another lake I would like to show you here. It is called the lake of Bukkaki; you’ll be having the warm fluids of Bukkaki rushing over your face in no time once you arrive. I can hardly wait to film this and send it back to your parents.
Looking at your pictures it appears that you do not have tail. That is a good thing… It will be missed on Barnyard sex night but we can make due. Plus there is always plastic surgery. One thing the photos did not show is if you have a penis or not. I am still very concerned about this and must know the truth before I will accept your ass. Please send me a picture of you that will show if you have a whiskery beaver trap or a pound of man sausage down there. I’m sorry but I will not allow you or any one else access to my anal regions. That is strictly off limits!! And I don’t want to go down on you expecting to be lathering your love pillows only to have my mouth crammed full of erect man-girl bacon.
I don’t swing that way. Well I guess there was that year I experimented with the Anal Assassin 3000. But that was college and I was drunk a lot. But since then I have walked the straight and narrow…. Well I guess there is that time I went down on the whole soccer team. But hey, I was told you had to be gay to be a soccer player and after playing the sport for three months I figured it was true. But now I’m different and I will not put up with any of that. When you tell your father about me, don’t mention that last part, OK.
In your last letter you said that you are a dancer and you would like to get a job teaching dance here in the states. Well you just may be in luck. There is this club downtown that a lot of the Russian women work at. It is called the Frisky Lennon. How long can you hang upside down on a poll?
Well I must go now and show your last letter to my mom. She said I would never get a girl and would end up being thrown in jail for trying to marry the cat. Little does she know that I now have you as my ace in the whole to prove her wrong. Plus I have been living and sleeping with the cat for 6 months now and I haven’t seen the police yet. Boy would I like to hang that bitch.
Until our next exchange, I will count the minutes until I can paint your face.
I am your Loving Man-Horse
I am including a picture of my self. I hope it is to your liking. This is one that was taken just after I read your first response to me. I was a little afraid to send it because It shows how excited I got from your words. I’m also afraid of Popsicle sticks, monkeys in dresses and the Life Time television network.
This is the picture I sent.
This is as far as this exchange has gone at this time. I’ll update this post when the reply comes. I guess all there is left for me to do now is to figure out who will be my best man. Guess I had better call my friends…. If I had any.
My Whore Girl has responded to me. I am floating on a cloud called love!!!
Subject: It again I, wish to not tell much yet about me
just want to add few things… I think last time I wrote you not all
my thoughts… My mind is always in a mess when I write you because
it’s hard to write everything to somebody who is so far away. I don’t
remember if I wrote last time I’ve never been married, don’t have
kids but I love them and they love me! I wrote you I teach children
how to dance and I know how to understand their wishes and worries.
I don’t smoke, drink occasionally.
And I want to tell you that I always wanted to find an older man.
Why? I have two answers..
Firstly, I think older men are much more serious and they can take
care of me, they are more experienced in life and can teach me many
things. “The older the violin, the sweeter the music” I believe in it…
I think I’m not that young already but I
don’t have much experience in life and I want to have someone who has
more experience in life then me.
Secondly… maybe I’m not right about it… but I want to be honest
I’ve always had such worry… if I marry a man nearly my age…
and after some years I will become not that young and beautiful… I
think it’s more hard for a woman to be attractive then for a man…
and he will find a younger mistress and I will become very miserable.
I don’t want my man to be unfaithful. I know I can be faithful to my
man and I will never cheat on him.
But this is just my worries. This is not my goal. Please tell me if
you think you will love your woman at any age and not find a younger
one? Can you be faithful?
And sorry my profile was not accurate. Honestly I thought it will be
just like a joke to post my profile, I just wanted to try if my
English is well enough to talk to someone from another country and I
wanted to know if I can communicate with foreign people. But now it’s
not just I want to try my skills… I became attracted to you and I
really want to meet you. If you will not like me or something else we
can be just friends.
I hope I will get my work visa soon in St-Petersburg and all documents and
come to you! I don’t have any area limits with this visa so I can work
where I want.
.Also I’m sending one pic from Sochi (as I wrote you it’s the Black Sea)
two near my home
I’m just trying to be honest with you and write you all my thoughts on
different issues. Please be always honest with me also….
I will write you later, I will look if I have more nice photos to send
Have a good day!
I really don’t think she addressed anything I wrote her. I’m sure this is not another one of those scams to just get my money. This girl has to be real!!! She was so honest with me in her last email. I must be honest with her.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I feel that our words to one another have drawn us closer together in these past few days. I know that I am experiencing new feelings inside me when I think of you. I have been walking around for three days with an erection that could drive a rail road spike through a cinder block. I must admit that the lack of fresh blood to my brain has caused me some trouble. Just the other day I caught myself trying to feel-up my grandma. Thank God the aroma from her panties brought me back to reality before I went down on her for the third time.
Beings you have been so truthful with me, I feel it only fair that I do the same for you. If we are to start a new life together we must be upfront and honest with one another.
I like to have sex with dead barn yard animals and I want you to watch.
I have an extra set of ear lobes under my right eye.
My anus leaks
Human flesh agrees with my palate.
I use Mayonnaise for foreplay.
My dog’s puppies look like me.
I have 1462 personalities. All of them demand anal sex on the first date.
I hate foreigners
I masturbate when the mood hits me.
I have been kicked out of 12 churches because of my mood.
My favorite game is, “Guess which body part came from a horse”.
I like the smell of puss
Whew, boy howdy am I glad to get that off my chest. Oh there is one thing I absolutely hate. And that is being asked for money. Whatever you do, never ask me to loan you money. My last girl friend asked me for ten dollars and I distinctly remember her screaming before I blacked out. When I woke up the next day she was gone and I have not seen her since….. Still don’t know how that dirty shovel and pick-axe got in my room. Have never seen my jumper cables and ball-gag since either.
Well I must go and trip old people. I count the seconds until I can fart on your face.
Big love a kisses
I also don’t have any lips.
That’s it for now. Will update this post when she gets off of her knees and writes.
My beloved has responded to me….
It’s good to write you again! I think I’m a lucky girl to meet such good mas as
you in Internet! I hope I will be lucky enough to meet you in the real life!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I told my parents about you. They said now they worry about me not that much
as before because they know you are a kind man and can help me if I need your help.
You can show me your city and tell me about the life over there!
I’m sending five pics for you. The first two is me on my bed where I sleep,
the next two pics is me with my friends. The next one is just a pic of myself..
I think I didn’t write you I like to cook. I will cook Russian cuisine for you!
Pelmeni, vareniki, blini, borsch, okroshka! You will like it! Besides Russian cuisine
I like Italian and Mexican. I love spaghetti and pizzza!!!!! mmmmmmm !
I can’t like without it! I like Mexican food because it’s very spicy, although
I don’t cook Mexican dishes too often. I’ve been told my cooking is very tasty!
I like to cook cakes. My favorite is cheese-cake with raspberry!
You know… when I talk about food I’m getting hungry ))) I eat everything and
I’m not on any diets but usually I don’t eat after 7 pm. This helps me not to be fat!
I can cook many tasty things for you when we meet! You know.. almost all
Russian men are like bears! They are so rude, they can’t be nice and polite,
they don’t want to have a family. I think you are not like them.
I like to go to the cinema! I really like to watch a good movie with my friends.
50 of movies in our cinemas are Russian and about 50 American.
Yesterday I’ve seen a great historical movie!!! It is called “Nomad”. I really liked it so much!
It was produced by Khazakhfilm (Khazakhstan is situated near Russia)
and there you can see some good American actors!
One of directors of this movie is a well known Russian director Sergey Bodrov.
If you didn’t see this movie find it and watch! I advice it to you!
Actually my favorite actor is Johnny Depp and I like all movies with him.
I’ve watched Pirates of the Carribean (part 2) 10 days ago!
I think the second part is not as good as the first part. Have you seen it?
Soon I want to go to the premier of new movie with Cameron Diaz – Holiday.
I think it will be really nice comedy! I like this actress.
Could you recommend me any American movie so I can watch it?
What is your favorite movie and actor?
Some time age I watched “Perfume” (by a novel of Patrick Zuskind).
I’ve read this novel and I like it so much! Breathtaking!
Anyway I think the book is better then the movie.
Soooooooooooooooo……… what else could I say?
I have a driver’s licence but I don’t have a car.
My father has a Russian car and he gives me his car sometimes.
I like not only the cinema! I like theatre and opera too, I like ballet.
Unfortunately there is only one small theatre in my city and there is nothing interesting.
If I want to go to ballet, for example, I should go to Irkutsk,
there sometimes can come famous Russian actors and dancers but I can’t
go there often because it’s quite expensive.
And now I have some good news for you! After sending this email I will go home,
pack my bags and tomorrow I will go to Irkutsk! >From there I will fly to St-Petersburg!
I was on a plane only two times in my life and I’m afraid to fly! I hope my plane will not fall down!
I’m really afraid! So it is several hours from Irkutsk to St-Petersburg and I will come to St-Petersburg late night.
I don’t think I will live in hotel there, it’s very expensive. You know,
by statistics St-Petersburg is the more expensive city in the world after Tokyo.
I will rent a room in apartment, it will be cheap.
Of course it will be very modest but it’s OK for me!
When I come to St-Petersburg and settle down I will write you an email.
I hope tomorrow I will be able to write me.
Please don’t worry about me if you don’t hear from me tomorrow,
that will mean I was not able to find a place to stay and I will write you after tomorrow.
Anyway, I hope I will write you tomorrow!!!
In St-Petersburg I will spend a week or maybe even more,
I should make all final arrangements with my documents and after it I will come to you!
I’ve never been to Moscow before and I’m so nervous now…
I’ve never went somewhere alone and now I should go alone to such big city!
You know… I had such great desire to start my trip already..
and now I feel myself like a newborn kitten who has even didn’t open it’s eyes…
I just want to hug my mommy and don’t want to go anywhere…
but I know that’s my dream to start a new life and I will try to turn in to reality!
Soon you will hear some news from me from St-Petersburg!!!!!!!!
Love and kisses Lyubov!
I hope I’m the one for you!
From both nervous and excited,
And ignored every fucking thing I have said. What a bitch! She don’t love me! She just wants to get her greasy mitts on the tens of dollars I have in the bank. Well that’s it! No more mister nice guy! I’m going to let her know what I think of her and…. and…. and…. Well Golly Gumption! I’m just going to be mean golly dang it!!!!
Before I could respond I got this email.
I’m so excited to write you again!!!!!!!!!! I’m in St-Petersbug! You can’t imagine how happy I am that I already started my trip to you!
I still cannot believe I’ve done it! WoW! As I wrote you I was scared to fly on the plane but everything was OK and I’m still alive )))) St-Petersbug is a really big city! I’ve been told the population of St-Petersbug is about 10 million of people! From the Airport I went by bus… it was so long way… about 1 hour and 30 minutes. I’ve seen so many nice places in St-Petersbug while going by bus!
When I got off the plane in the St-Petersbug Airport policeman asked me about passport and he looked at me like I am an enemy ))) I think all people here (and everywhere) are a little crazy because of terrorism.
Everything here is very expensive, not like in my city… and everywhere are big crowds of people! Everywhere is so many people! I’m still uncomfortable about it but I feel soon it will be OK. I’ve been to few shops here today and I see goods are much more expensive here then in my native city.
I found a place to stay, I rent a room from an old woman. She is about 63 years old. She said her husband died 2 years ago and she has two grown up children but they are already married and don’t come to visit her very often so she is alone and she has not much money so she give in rent rooms in her apartment. She is very nice woman )) She said I have to be very careful. You know… she said many girls from small cities come to big cities… or even abroad… they are looking for a better future and fortune but because they are from small cities they didn’t imagine their way to find the happiness can be not as easy as they thought… and some of them can end up as prostitutes or something like that. She said I should be careful when I meet you!! But I don’t worry about you! I feel with all my heart you are really nice man! And I think I’m enough educated not to end up as a prostitute and I will find my happiness!
Sorry I wrote you about my worries.. I have nobody to write about it.
My parents are worried enough about me and I don’t want to make them worry more. I think that’s really good I’ve met you! I can write you about everything.
I miss my parents… but I’m getting better with every hour )) Now I’m very hungry and I will go and eat something.
Please confirm the name of airport and be sure you wrote it right.
Please confirm me your full name and telephone number.
Please don’t be mad! I just want to be sure I have your contacts! This way I will feel more confident.
I am afraid to make any mistake… I hope everything will be fine.
I’ve been told I may have all further information about my trip today or tomorrow.
As soon as I learn it I will write you an email!!! I don’t have enough time now to write more things.
And then I got this one….
Hello ,from St-Petersburg again!!!! While staying in St-Petersburg and I feel very exited!!
I can`t wait when we meet!!! I feel that we can spend great time together!
Anyway I feel myself so lonely here…
Everyone rush somewhere and I don`t have any friends in relatives here.
You know in small cities (like in my city) the life is so slowly, nobody hurry somewhere and here everybody is in a hurry.
Today I was in Russian art Gallery, I really liked it. In past I saw this paintings just in books on pictures and now I`m able to see in real life. I`m so exited! I like arts so much!
I feel myself like I`m able to do everything in the world!!!
You know Madonna came to Moscow about two months ago with a concert! I’ve heard it was perfect!!!! Anyway if I had a choice I would choose one our meeting then ten concerts of Madonna!
I think she looks quite good for 49 years old (although I will tell you a secret, her hair is not natural, it’s a wig.. I’m not sure if that’s right word in English).
Anyway I’ve done this pics for you and I hope you will be satisfied with them )) Today I walked in the Park… I liked this place too.
Do you know the band Scorpions? and their song Wind of Change?
Walking down the street
Are buried in the past forever.
I folow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change.
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams…
With you and me.
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away in the wind of change….
Scorpions is one of favorite bands of my father! That’s why I know the words (unfortunately I don’t know all words). I’m not great fan of Scorpions but I like this song very much!!!!
Do you want any souvenir from russia? Pls just tell me!!!! I already bought few magnets (again I’m not sure this is the right word, I didn’t take a dictionary with me in Internet cafe but I have it with my luggage) with images of St-Petersburg and Petergof. You can hang up them to your refrigerator (do you have any already??). We have few magnets from Sochi on our refrigerator.
Also I bought you two little souvenir bottles of vodka ))) They are really small and just souvenirs!
Now I will go to the travel agency again and they will give me a schedule of my flight (date and time of my arrival, terminal etc.).
Ok, honey, in tomorrow I will receive the information about my trip and write you about it as soon as I receive it.
Stranger in St-Petersburg)))your Lyubov!!!!
Jesus bitch! Give me some space will yah?!?!? Well I guess I had better reply to the ole’ ball and chain.
Dear Love handles,
Sorry it has been some time since responding to your emails. I have been busy having sex with other women. My penis enlargement shipment came in last week and it has really taken effect. I’m like a erect racing horse all day long. I hope you can take really large loads in the face, because that is what will happen when you make my Python excited. I would like you to try and swallow some but I’m afraid that you would gag on the gallons of love juice that cums pouring out of me.
Speaking of Church, I wanted to know what religion you are. It will help to know how hard the brain washing will be.
I must go for now, I have to dispose of the body. I hope to talk with you some more later.
Remember, you have never met me
Love and anus
Well that’s it for now….. WHEN WILL SHE FINALLY ASK ME FOR MONEY!?!?!?!?!?
She has finally asked me for money!!!!
Hello again, my honey Harry! You can imagine how happy
I’m am that I already started my trip and I want to continue it.
I already feel that I became closer to you )) I’m really excited about it!
St- Petersburg still makes me both tired and excited.
Anyway I’m really happy I’ve started everything.
When I think about you it helps me to be more strong and tolerant,
I see everything is not that easy but I hope the moment of our meeting is waiting for us.
I have some news about my trip to you, please be very attentive to read my news.
The nearest possible flight is Sunday, October 14, 2007
I really hope to be on that plane.
Today I was given the flight information. Here it is:
Information for Vshivkova Lyubov
“Travelworld-LTD”, Manager: Aleksandr Jykovskiy.
St-Petersburg, Toreza prospekt 32,office 439.
data flight: Sunday, October 14, 2007
Departure: 08:40 St Petersburg, Russia – Pulkovo, terminal 2
Arrival: 09:15 Amsterdam, Netherlands – Schiphol
Airline: Rossiya-Russian Airlines FV277
Departure: 10:30 Amsterdam, Netherlands – Schiphol
Arrival: 12:05 Chicago, USA – O’Hare International, terminal 5
Airline: KLM Royal Dutch Airlines KL611
Departure: 13:40 Chicago, USA – O’Hare International, terminal 3
Arrival: 14:55 St Louis, USA – Lambert, terminal M
Airline: American Airlines AA321
Please use our service.
Best regards. Manager: Aleksandr Jykovskiy.
Price: USD 1250.00+ Roundtrip tickets.Eco.class.
It would be great if you can meet me in the Airport and wait for me there.
I will be very thankful to you if you can do it. If something happens and we
will not be able to find each other
I can call your phone number or you can make a paper with my name and hold it!
If you will be late because of your work or something else I can wait for you at the Airport…
I will be tired after such big flight (I will be on the plane many hours! I’m not sure how much,
I will find out) and have some rest.
So I booked tickets and I can pass my interview only when I pay for my tickets,
I didn’t know about it. I can receive my visa after I pay my tickets so they want to be sure
I have roundtrip tickets so I’m not going to stay illegally over there. I think there rules are too strict…
I have some money but my flight from Irkutsk to St-Petersburg costed so much (about 550$) because it’s so far from St-Petersburg. Of course it is my fault because parents told me that
I have to travel by train but I wanted to do everything faster so I took a plane…
Anyway now it’s too late to sorry.
Another bad thing yet that prices of service of aerflot (tickets)
became more expensive because of high gasoline price.
I didn’t guess that everything costs so much and they didn’t say anything.
They say they arranged my trip, visa and all necessary documents and money is only my business.
I have to buy tickets till my interview because of such rule. Maybe you could borrow me some money?
I can’t live here too long because every day I have to spend some money for food and rent of room.
Really expensive city. The cup of the tea costs about almost two dollars.
I think it is not too great amount I ask and I am sure I will be able
to return it back in a few weeks after I arrive. I will earn some money and from the first
salary I return it back to you.
in Agency they have told me that you may send it by or Western Union or MoneyGram.
It is pretty easy to use they said. I have been to the bank and they gave me the information.
All you need is my name, my surname and address to send me the money.
Once you do this, I’ll be able to pick up the money at any local Western Union or MoneyGram office in St-Petersburg.
We need to do it pretty fast, because we have no time till my interview,
if everything is all right I will be on this plane!
You will send me a transfer info and MTCN ( money transfer control number) I will get cash.
Kiss you many times, I am tired today,you know it is hard enough to be in a
city where you don’t have any friends or relatives. So many different emotions.
Kiss you many times! see you soon!
Ah, silly me. Almost forgot to give you my full name and my address.
My address here (where I rent a room)
Country : Russia,
City : St-Petersburg,
Address : Rechnoyi pereulok 7-25,
post code : 195219
name : Lyubov
l/name : Vshivkova
I have about 500 USD. Please try to send about 750 USD so
I will be sure I have enough money for all my travel needs and flight. I know you will try to help me!
I can’t wait to hug you when we meet! If you can’t meet me at the Airport we can meet
somewhere in the city, but I don’t know how much the taxi cost over there.
I’m glad I have a job lined up and when we meet each other maybe you will even want to have
closer relationship with me and maybe we can even live together someday! If you want!
It’s just my dreams… But if you don’t want to live with me
I will live with other girls who came to work too.
see you soon!!! You are a great man and
I hope you will not live me alone in St-Petersburg and help me! your Lyubov
hmmmmmmmmmmm, what should I do? I could send the money and spend the rest of my life loving the girl.
Wow, $750.00 is a lot of money. Normally I would have that amount on me and send it no problem. But I just spent $650.00 on a 1998 Star Trek Next Generation Mr. Warf commemorative plate. It was very hard for me to find this plate and I need it to enhance my collection.
I have $100.00 I could send you right now and maybe get the rest next week.
I do have an alternative for you that may just work out and get you this money quicker. Looking at the many pictures you have sent. I can tell that you have a very strong jaw line. I’m sure that a few days on your knees at $20.00 (US) a shot (In the face) you could raise this money in no time. It could be good practice for you, beings once you reach the states, you will be spending most of your time on your knees. Getting me my food and beer and servicing my many Star Fleet academy friends, not to mention the D&D crew that cums over twice a week.
So what do you say? Will you take several in the face for our love. The sooner you start swallowing man goo, the quicker we can be together and the sooner you can discover the joys of rectal intrusion.
Do you have a sister? I ask because I have the friend that is getting out of prison and he could use a good woman around the mobile home (Translation – Russian Mansion). Age is not important, he is not picky. Plus I believe age was one of the issues that got him in prison to begin with.
Beings we have gotten so close these past few weeks I feel I can finally ask you the following question. It is some thing my father asked my mother and my grandfather asked my grandmother before they were married.
“Do you like snatch”? Just wanted to know before we do wife swapping night with my sister and her husband Bill. They are a lovely couple and are really excite to meet you and all your orifices.
Well I must go. Let me know what you want to do with the money situation. Remember I love you no matter what. And always get the money up front before your John paints your face.
Warm kisses of love and honey.
Harry S. Crotum
Here is a photo of me thinking of you my love.
Will let you all know what happens next. I hope she has kneepads.
She responded to thank me for helping her
Hello my lovely Harry
How are you today?
I miss you very much ((((
I so am glad, that you can help me.
I can not find words as I want to you.
When you will send money do not overlook,
That it is necessary to send me MTCN and your full info
I think minutes when I can see you,
I would like to collect the things right now and
to sit and the plane and to fly to you now.
To see you and to calm down in your hands.
When I close eyes I all time I present
our meeting with you. And you imagine our meeting?
I very much love you, my heart is ready to jump out of a breast
when I think of you. I feel that wanted such husband all
the life. I die without you. I never before was not so is in love
MY LOVE YOU MY DEAR HUGS AND A SOFT KISS ON YOUR WARM LIPS
Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell does a guy have to do get the point across?!?!?!. Fuck it! I’m going to just say I sent the money, No mention of how I sent it or where I sent it or even how to get it. Let’s see if they FINALLY read this email.
OK, the money has been sent.
Can’t wait to see you.
Will update when she ummmmmmm they, ummmmmmm it, responds.
She got my letter, but not the money…. OOPS!
Subject : !!!
Hello my dear Harry
How are you? today
I miss you so much ((
I am glad to receive your letter.
I would like you to embrace and kiss right now.
Madly as it is glad. That you could help me.
But I went to bank. And to me have told, that can not find your translation
In system Western Union, I ask you came to me the information
About translation, (full your information)
Or would scan Customer copy. that I could show
This paper in bank.
I need to go. But I shall wait for your letter.
Gently you I kiss, and I think of you. Yours Lyubo
Golly, I had better get her this information right away.
Sorry about that. The excitement of seeing you had made me forget what I was doing. I’m attaching the information to an email for you to look at and use to get this money to help you start a new life here in the USA. The greatest God Damn country in the whole world.
I love you and toss off frequently thinking of you.
Pure love and kisses
Notice I said I would send the information in “an” email, but not necessarily “this” email. Which I didn’t. Let’s see what happens.
For the past few days I have been laying motionless on my floor in a pool of my own bodily functions, sobbing over the unanswered emails I have been sending my Russian love. She will not respond to me anymore, She has left me, I am sad…..
I have tried several times to correspond with her. Pleading that she give our love one more chance. He is my latest message of love…
Yo Bitch! Were the fuck is my TV remote?
Alas, my tender but fragile words seem to fall on deaf ears. I will never be the same now that my little Russian spider monkey of love and fluid exchange is gone. I will never love again.
I will just lie here on my floor…
In my mobile home…
In my filth….
And beat off to midget porn.
I’d like to share with you an email I received. Google Gmail thought it was Spam; but I’m not really sure.
From: “Steven L. Dawkins” <Steven@msa.hinet.net> to Bruce
Subject: When I tried to give him oral sex, I practically choked. How do I do it without gagging? Please help!
Princesses always giggled at me and even bucks did in the unrestricted water closet!
Well, now I whizgiggle at them, because I took M E _G_A_D_ IK
for 5 months and now my prick is indeed longer than civil.
50 The Blind Leading the Blind
biases of investors and what
influences the fundamentals of the stock.
the situation becomes.
Finance and Urban Affairs on April 13, 1994, Soros provided a
There are so many things wrong with this.
- My name is not Bruce.
- Based on the subject line, you’d halfway-expect the email to at least appear like it was from someone of the female gender.
- Paragraph number 1 is a treat; sort of sounds like a Brit sending the Spam as no one in America calls a shitter a “water closet” (I’m not sure about the Chinese, as the return email address is from the damain .cn). But that isn’t the funny part; I am going to go see my doctor about getting a sample of “M E _G_A_ IK”. Indeed, who doesn’t want a prick that is “longer than civil”?
- After the break, I completely lost … must be the Chinese’s futile attempt to get past Spam filters.