We’re Away…

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The Dark Knight – First Look at the Deleted Love Scene

Below is a the much talked about deleted love scene from the Dark Knight movie. I have heard it was quite graphic and the female star of the scene was very good and very experienced.

One Last Email – Expert Advise

I know I said I was done… and I am. I mean it!!

But we received an email from a fan that I just could not let go unanswered. So this is now my final post for Hot Lard… It is… Really… I mean it… I’m done after this… STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!!!!

Letter from a fan:

Hello,

I’d appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging bubble chair.

I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur I’d like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it’d be swell if you can place our link on your blog.

Thank you,

Sean

I always knew this site was about modern design and now here is my chance to prove it.

Sean,

My name is Ervin Shlopnick, I’m the managing director, of things that need management and direction for Hot Lard Inc. I’d like to say thank you for your email; home décor & modern design are two of the most important things in my life. Right after cow tipping, colostomy bags, rubber pants, adult diapers, septic tank skinny dipping, and fart lighting contests.

I checked out your site and I do have a few comments for you. First you need some naked clowns. Nothing says buy my crap better than a naked clown staring you in the face. That is how we sold over 2 million units of our product, “Why I Like to Touch Mommy Down There, Lubricant”. Next, you could use a blood splatter back ground and maybe a woman screaming.

As far as your products, I’m not really seeing anything I could use for my 16 monkeys. Do you have a monkey section on your site that I did not find? How easily can one clean feces from your products. Those darn monkey sure do love throwing their feces around. I guess it is partially my fault; I’m usually the one who starts the feces fight with them. Also do you have any chairs that would prevent your victim.. errr I mean “date” from escaping before you have finished? Other than that I think you stuff is pretty much crap.

Thanks again for the email, I’ll be posting your link right between the barn yard porn and NAMBLA ads.

Regards and sweet, sweet kisses

Ervin Shlopnick

I wonder what Sean has to think of my “Win Win” ideas. But You’ll never know, because this is my last post. (BUH WAH HA HA HA)

Ervin Shlopnick’s List of the 10 Best and Worst Movies

Beings I’m the fourth most important person on the Internet today, I get asked for my opinion a lot. People want to know my feelings on a whole range of things…
Not really sure why, Guess it’s because I’m so damn smart.
So here is a quick list of answers to the questions I get asked the most.

The Chicken came first…
The toilet paper role goes over and not under…
Ice cream with sprinkles is best…
Cows are evil…
The Anal Intruder 3000 is far superior to the Anal Intruder 2600…
If you’re happy and you know it, you really should clap your hands…
Al Gore knows nothing about the Internet…
The first words ever spoken were, “Pull my finger”…

One thing that has been asked of me the most is what are the 10 best and 10 worst movies of all time? Believe it or not I have an answer for that too. I have compiled a list of the best and worst movies that have spewed out of Hollywood and are now going to share them with you.

Before you read them a few things to remember…

This list is final, so don’t be writing in say, “You missed this movie and I didn’t like that one movie on your list, now I’m going to have minstrel cramps all day”. Remember, I am the fourth most important person on the Internet, so unless you are one of the three people that are more important than me, your opinion doesn’t mean shit and is unwanted.
Also, before you start whining about the new Batman movie not being on the list. I have not seen it yet, so don’t wet your panties because it is not on here.

Top Ten Movies of All Time

The list is not in order due to the fact that I can not pick a number one. The way I look at it is, if I had to be stranded on a desert island and could only watch 10 movies. These are the ones I would choose.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Category – Action Adventure

Action, comedy and the wrath of God. What more could you get into a movie.

Shaw Shank Redemption

Category – Drama

The first movie I can honestly say was as good as if not better than the book.

Dumb And Dumber

Category – Comedy

The only movie I truly know word for word and will use lines from it in everyday conversation. And if you don’t, “You’re one pathetic loser… No offence”.

Star Wars (Empire Strikes Back)

Category – Sci-Fi

Best of the bunch. Darth Vader is Luke’s father? WOW!

Jaws

Category – Horror / Action Adventure

This movie single handedly killed an industry. Plus it has the greatest and most recognizable theme song of all time.

Pink Floyd –The Wall

Category – Musical

First time I saw this I was medicated. Enough said.

Apocalypse Now

Category – Drama / War

“I love the smell of Napalm in the Morning” So do I.

The Matrix

Category – Sci-Fi

What a mind job.

Full Metal Jacket

Category – Drama / War

Get this through your thick skulls maggots. R. Lee Ermey is a god!!!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Category – Comedy

Ni!

10a. Lord Of the Rings (Trilogy)

Category – Action Adventure

This one comes in after I originally made the list. I can’t find it in my heart to remove any of the above (Maybe the Matrix because the sequels pissed me off so much) but I can’t leave this epic of film making off the list. This is a true masterpiece and could be number one on my list. Move over Star Wars, there is a new King!

Honorable Mention – (Movies I would like to see wash ashore)

Godfather II

Star Trek (First Contact)

The Usual Suspects

Citizen Kane

Terminator II

War Games

Witness

War of the Worlds (The original)

ET

Signs

South Park the Movie

Worst Movie – (The movies I would most likely use as Fire Wood)

Star Wars (The Phantom Menace)

Category – Crap / Insulting

What were you thinking George??? JAR JAR Binks is the spawn of Satan.

The Matrix (Revolutions)

Category – What the F*ck?!?!?!?!

The absolute biggest let down of all time. The Whychowski brothers took a classic and destroyed it. I waited 5 years to see the ultimate battle between man and machine……..END IN A TIE??!?

Mission to Mars

Category – Sell out.

Mission to my ass is more like it. I’m sorry but did everyone forget how to act when they signed on to do this turd.

Howard the Duck

Category – Ducks are not funny!!!

Another George Lucas abomination, I believe it was an early test on the American public for JAR JAR Binks.

The American President

Category – You blew it in the last 15 minutes of the movie.

Loved this movie right up to the part where is said he was a “Card carrying member of the ACLU”. I have never watched a second of this movie since.

Battlefield Earth

Category – Just because you read Dianetics, doesn’t mean you can make a good movie.

How do you take a 1500 page book that took ten years to write and fit it into a 2 hour movie………. You don’t.

Star Trek V (The Final Frontier)

Category – Capt. Kirk can’t direct

Or write or produce or act or………..Who let him loose on this toilet stain anyway?

Jaws 3 (3D)

Category – Greed

How do you take one of the most epic movie titles of all time and turn it into a joke? Watch this movie and find out.

Raise the Titanic

Category – A bad book usually makes for a bad movie.

So bad I don’t even think you can find it on video now.

Rudy

Category – What does a diploma from Notre Dame gets you?

Well if you’re Rudy it gets you a job mowing lawns. Yes that’s correct Rudy was mowing lawns years after graduating and only stopped doing it after the movie was made. Now he gives inspirational speeches on determination………….. This from a man who was MOWING LAWNS FOR A LIVING!!!!

10.a The Barney Movie

Category – Soul Stealer

I pretty much stayed away for kids movies, (I felt they would be to easy a target) but this one I had to include. This 90 minutes of evil took my soul and never gave it back. The only good thing about being forced to watch this movie is that I get to throw it back in my daughters face whenever I want. Here is an example:

My Sweet little girl: Daddy, can I go to college?

Me: You forced me to watch the Barney Movie with you when you were 5. I’m afraid I have done everything that a father is called to do for his child, so college it out.

My Sweet little girl: But daddy, what am I supposed to do with my life?

Me: Here’s and Idea, become an assassin and kill that fucking Barney. If that doesn’t work out, there is always room for one more hooker on this planet.

Update to the Pakistani Spectator Interview

I was checking out the Pakistani Spectator (because that is where I get all my news) and found that someone had commented on my interview. Check it out…

I can see that Mohammad will be a regular HL reader from now on.

My Interview with the Pakistani Spectator

Beings Hot Lard has become the most popular site on the internet and cable TV; I have received several requests for interviews. People want to know everything from the secret of my success to the size of my colostomy bag. Beings I’m a recluse I normal turn down these offers of letting the world into my private life. But that all changed when the Pakistani Spectator came a callin’.You don’t get much bigger than this, Larry King can kiss my ass I have an appointment with the PS. (That is what their interviewees call them) Below you will see the request I received from this distinguished news journal and the following replies and eventual interview.

Plus a big Surprise at the end!!!

The Request

Interview Request

Hello Dear and Respected,
I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Internet surfers. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan in the world. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the webosphere. Our aim is to foster peace, progress and harmony with passion.

We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable passionate bloggers, writers, and webmasters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you don’t mind. Please send us your approval for your interview at my email address “ghazala.khi at gmail.com”, so that I could send you the Interview questions. We would be extremely grateful.

regards.

Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com

My Acceptance to their fine offer

Let the interviewing begin baby!!!

Ervin

The Interview Questions

Dear , thanks a lot for your consent. Here are the questions for the interview. Please also send us a brief bio of yourself, and url of your site.  Please send the answers at your earliest convenience.

Here are the questions:
Would you please tell us something about you and your site?
Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?
I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?
What do you do in order to keep up your communication with other bloggers?
What do you think is the most exciting or most innovative use of technology in politics right now?
Do you think that these new technologies are effective in making people more responsive?
What do you think sets Your site apart from others?
If you could choose one characteristic you have that brought you success in life, what would it be?
What was the happiest and gloomiest moment of your life?
Do you think [the use of Twitter and other social networking tools by politicians] is bandwagon jumping or what?

If you could pick a travel destination, anywhere in the world, with no worries about how it’s
paid for – what would your top 3 choices be?
What is your favorite book and why?
What’s the first thing you notice about a person (whether you know them or not)?
Is there anyone from your past that once told you you couldn’t write?
How bloggers can benefit from blogs financially?
Is it true that who has a successful blog has an awful lot of time on their hands?
What are your thoughts on corporate blogs and what do you think the biggest advantages and disadvantages are?
What role can bloggers of the world play to make this world more friendlier and less hostile?
Who are your top five favourite bloggers?
Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?
What is your perception about Pakistan and its people?
Have you ever become stunned by the uniqueness of any blogger?
What is the most striking difference between a developed country and a developing country?
What is the future of blogging?

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?
What are your future plans?
Any Message you want to give to the readers of The Pakistani Spectator?

regards,
Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com

My truthful answers to their inquiries

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

After making millions in Barn Yard porn, I grew tired of the same routine and decided to branch out. My first attempt at blogging was a site called, “Cat Hook-Up”. This site was dedicated to cat dating. It was there to help shy cats meet other cats in hopes that they may find a life mate. The problem I had with this site was that rampaging gay cats were trolling the site looking for single and confused kittens that they could pray upon. So I shut down the site and started and new one called, “My Grandmother is a Cheap Whore”. I soon found out that a lot of states have laws that prevented people from viewing the photos I provide of my grandmother and me. So I moved onto working on a site called, “Recycled Food”, but it turned out to be a real crappy site. So I then started a blog called, “Check out what I did to your sister”, I had to change my name and identity after that one. As of this date I’m still receiving death threats. Finally I created Hot Lard and most recently Demotivational Minds. They pretty much suck, but they are legal and I don’t get as much hate mail.
Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

What I find growing the longer I write is the pain in my hands. There are times I will work on a sentence for 6 to 8 hours and my hands will cramp something fierce. Normally I can relieve this pain by beating my dog and sacrificing its severed head to “Gorlox” the evil spork god of the underworld. Then I get back to writing my children stories and feel just find.
I’m wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

There was this time in Thailand; I was with two teenage hookers, a crack addict, a rabbit with distemper, three unshaven midget wrestlers, four disco coke heads with a box of raisins, one illegal alien from Jupiter, a 11 toed foreign exchange student with turrets, a sticky mitten, 14 bags of walnuts, three colostomy bags , 44 sticks of dynamite, A cow that could do tricks, and an East German paranoid mute with bad breath…. I think we wrote a story about a fish.
What do you do in order to keep up your communication with other bloggers?

Blackmail
What do you think is the most exciting or most innovative use of technology in politics right now?

The anal intruder 3000.
Do you think that these new technologies are effective in making people more responsive?

Have you ever had your anal intruded by a power tool running at 7500 RPM and 240 volts AC? You’d be pretty responsive to just about anything.
What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

Each day I bake a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and lay them out on the home page for my visitors to eat. If you don’t like cookies I also offer teenage Russian hookers.
If you could choose one characteristic you have that brought you success in life, what would it be?

I can blow bubbles with my anus.
What was the happiest and gloomiest moment of your life?

My happiest moment was watching the creation of my first anus bubble. It was a majestic site, a grand bubble, brown in color. The gloomiest moment was 13 seconds later when that bubble popped just inches from my nose.
Do you think [the use of Twitter and other social networking tools by politicians] is bandwagon jumping or what?

I was twittered once by my priest, he promised me a candy bar if I let him twitter me and the bastard never came through. I really miss that candy bar. I thought the church cleaned that up. If politicians are twittering young boys now, I think it should be stopped. Unless they come through with their candy promise.

If you could pick a travel destination, anywhere in the world, with no worries about how it’s paid for – what would your top 3 choices be?

Any place but Pakistan, talk about a real dump! I would rather have my balls cut off and fed to me than go to Pakistan and have to breathe one breath of their urine filled air.
What is your favorite book and why?

“1001 Anal Intrusions” It’s just a story I can really get into.
What’s the first thing you notice about a person (whether you know them or not)?

Whether that have boobs or not. I prefer the ones with boobs.
Is there anyone from your past that once told you couldn’t write?

Yes, it was because I never learned how to read or write. I refuse to write about it.
How bloggers can benefit from blogs financially?

Ask a good friend over for some drinks and dinner. When they are not looking place a knockout drug in there food and wait until they pass out. Then take pictures of them having sex with a Great Dane or Llama and threaten them that you are going to put them on your blog unless they pay you great sums of money. Or make them have sex with you, if you are a sicko and like that sort of thing.
Is it true that who has a successful blog has an awful lot of time on their hands?

I have a lot of hair on my palms, so I must ne a very good blogger. I’m nearly blind too… Wonder what that means???
What are your thoughts on corporate blogs and what do you think the biggest advantages and disadvantages are?

I think that some corporate blogs are necessary. Anything that has to do with anal wart cream and colostomy bags should be blogged.
What role can bloggers of the world play to make this world more friendlier and less hostile?

Kill anyone who does not agree with you. I believe that would alleviate a lot of arguing.
Who are your top five favourite bloggers?

Touch me there

Pull my Finger again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Animals need human loving too

Two girls’ one cup

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

I would have to say it was my post on the true love I have for Soccer. I can not get enough of that sport. You can check it out here.

http://hotlard.wordpress.com/2008/03/09/demotivational-posters-volume-8-i-hate-soccer/
What is your perception about Pakistan and its people?

You do really good sheep porn there.
Have you ever become stunned by the uniqueness of any blogger?

Are you stunned yet?
What is the most striking difference between a developed country and a developing country?

The smell of urine is everywhere in undeveloped countries. Sometimes I wish we could be more like that here.
What is the future of blogging?

Fart jokes.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

I’m sleeping with a lot more pre-teens now.
What are your future plans?

Take a dump and then watch barnyard porn. Probably beat off and fall asleep.
Any Message you want to give to the readers of The Pakistani Spectator?

Remember to always brush your teeth (or in your case tooth) and wipe your ass. Make sure that you never buy rotten camel meat at the market. The boogie man is real and is defiantly out to get you. You can not carry 12 British nuns on your back. Cat poop will cure cancer. My left nut can speak Portuguese. And always do what your mother says… Unless she is a she-devil and has sex with a talking mule named Roberto.

God Bless Mexico!!!

Now here is the best part… They actually posted it!!!!!

Dear and respected Blstern, you might be stunned that I am so glad to inform your that we have published your fine interview. I hope that it benefits you, us and the whole of blogosphere. Would you please be kind enough to mention your interview at your blog for your readers?

We would also like to exchange a link with you in the blogroll please. If you approve, please let us know so that we  could include your link in our blogroll.

If you would like to introduce us some bloggers, whom we should interview, then please let us know their emails or blog address.

Please stay in touch, and guide us in our blogging journey. We really need your consistent and continuous guidance and support.

Thanks a lot from the roots of heart.

best regards,

- Hide quoted text -

Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com

Here is a screen shot of the page.

Just click on the screen shot to be taken to the site.

I’m so happy that I can be a guiding light for other aspiring journalist.

Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

Count of Flanders Video Game Review for Conan

A while back, I beat Eragon for the Xbox 360.  Eragon is button-mashing hack-n-slash game.  It’s a weak story with fugly next-gen graphics, cheesy one-liners, and terrible fighting mechanics.  Why did I play this game?  Because I bought it for less than $10 new and felt I should continue the pain and suffering.

Why am I talking about Eragon when this is a review for Conan?  To be frank, Conan brought forth excruciating memories from the past.  Almost everything about Conan sucked.  Below are the good and the bad.

Bad

• CAMERA POSITION: In a 3rd person video game, camera position/angle is key.  If you fuck this up, then I can’t see the bad guys!  If you force me to replay a section simply because your game engine sucks so bad that you take it out on me, well … go fuck yourself Nihilistic Software and THQ.
• UNBALANCE ENEMIES: Why does a fleshy tiger require 10 hits to bring down when an armored man with a blade fighting back and block my sword swings only take 3 or 4 hits?  If I’m in the middle of a combo on said tiger, how does it find room to stop my attack and get in a few good paw swipes on my burly chest?
• INVISIBLE WALLS:  Not so bad if you have a visual clue that you’re not allow to go there.  But, if Conan is running around trying to take cover or evade enemy attacks, please don’t make it appear as though I can go over there when all that does is leave me open to attacks my giant apes.  That leads me to my next complaint.
• GIANT APES:  WTF?  These psychos take beating and dish it out too.  I’m sorry, but if put enough force behind a meat cleaver, you’re gonna get chopped in two!  Yeah-yeah, use the magic and stone him to death.  Sure … ok. * sigh*
• FINAL BOSS BATTLE:  Man, talk about lame and retarded.  This douche bag’s death was longer and more drawn out than these.  This fight, even on Easy difficulty, was stupid-hard.  Not hard as in “figure out the best weapon attack and when to strike” attack … this was more like “avoid my dreadlocks as they whip around in a giant circle while avoiding these tar-covered zombies who and found Conan’s only weakness … spinning helicopter punches to his obviously weak and punny chest” attacks.  I swear, at one point I had jumped in the air, and began a heavy attack to slaughter some of these tar dudes when then they (weapon-less mind you) figured out how to beat physics and somehow juggle me in the air with spinning helicopter punches (yes, the kind you and your kid brother used to do to each other when you were a kid).  Think of Zangief’s spinning punches, except done by tiny little dudes half the size of Conan with no shields or weapons.
• BUTTON SEQUENCES:  I suppose when done correctly, button sequences have their place.  In Conan, you’re given about 5 milliseconds after the button you’re supposed to press appears and the time to your untimely death.  The only other game where I’ve had to deal with a button sequence was Tomb Raider: Legend.  Now, I can’t say it was perfect, but at least the sequence didn’t change, and you were given about 1-2 seconds for your brain to register which button to press.  Conan’s just sucked, even on Easy difficulty.

Good

• MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT:  I’ll admit, there were plenty of hours spent playing Conan that were enjoyable.  As with Call of Duty 2 or 3, it was fun to slaughter Nazis as a good stress reliever.  The same was true with Conan.  It was fun to hack-n-slash about an hour or so at a time.  Conan was a good in-between game that allowed my left hand a break from Guitar Hero 3 (I hate you Neversoft for including Raining Blood by Slayer in GH3).
• HILARIOUS DIALOG:  Conan is a man’s man.  He dished out quite a few Schwarzenegger-esque lines.  Many directed at his soon-to-be-dead foes.  Some that come to mind just as Conan put the finishing move to his victim were “I’ll cleave your skull to your teeth” and “You cry like a child” and “Face Crom”.  No doubt, Crom is some kind of mystical god.  He’s mentioned quite a bit in the game.
• MAIDENS:  Conan is rated M for Mature.  There are buckets of blood shed in this game (check), brutal combat sequences (check), and topless whores (double-check) waiting for you to crush them with your love.  The topless maidens are scattered throughout each level just waiting for you to rescue them.  A few the hotties simply wonder where their clothes went; while others never suspected their savior would be so strong.  Buuuuut, a few can’t wait for you to drop your drawers in the mist of major combat sequence to crush them with your (obviously) huge and massive … love.  You get the idea.  See below:

Overall, I have mixed feelings about this game.  While there are more bad things outlined above, there were enough good quality moments that seemed to make me forget about some of the bad.  The kicker, however, is that I borrowed this from a friend … I can guarantee that if I’d spent money on this game, I would have been upset.  Maybe not so much if I rented it, but this game just wasn’t enjoyable-enough to recommend … even as a rental.  My advice is to find someone willing to let you borrow it.  If you simply must play it, rent only.

This is a sad, but one of many additions to the Xbox 360 library.  You have better options for your video game dollars.  With respect to the Playstation 3, I feel sorry for those with so few good games to choose from have yet another shitty game to add to your small (but growing) library of choices.

I give Conan 3 decapitations out of 10.

Count of Flanders Movie Review for No Country for Old Men

Turns out, a colleague of mine didn’t think too highly of No Country for Old Men.

I suppose, there is another opinion I’d like to share.

Initially, I was distraught at the end of the movie when it ended so abrubtly.  Maybe it was because I wasn’t paying attention.  I talked to a friend about my frustrations, and he said each of the two times he saw it in the theater, people booed and hissed when the credits rolled.  Both times.

I admitted after whining about it, that I really hadn’t devoted my full attention span to the characters and plot, etc.  While I was wide-awake during the entire movie, I simply could not pay attention (little kid running around the house will do that).

So, I gave it another chance with the significant other … totally thinking she’d demand this piece of shit be turned off immediately (she has this thing against manly movies … and NCfOM is certainly one of them).

Surprisingly, she sat through the entire movie without folding one pair of jeans or a load of towels, or my snot rags.  She actually sat down for ~two hours to watch a violent movie.

Even more suprisingly, she didn’t hate it.  I think this is common with women; they seem to look beyond the action and violence and concentrate more on the characters and their struggle/success in the story.  I, along with Ervin, tend to gravitate towards the action and killing, and of course boobies.

However, on my 2nd viewing, I took a step back and watched it with fresh eyes.  This time, I got it.  I understood why there was no need to see the big shootout in the desert.  Not actually seeing it gave it more realism; plus, the near-dead Mexican in the truck was rather freaky.  I understood the narrative of Tommy Lee Jones’ character in the beginning of movie, and his story at the end made sense.

This country has become no country in which old men can survive.  It has gotten too violent; too out of control.  I think it is quite-evident in the opening scene in which crazy-man chokes the deputy.  The violence gets off to a pretty good start, don’t you think Ervin?

Ervin, your script is missing some key dialog in which bad buy is trying to figure out what the two business men know.  And, what information they’ve told others.  Why?  Because he works alone, I guess.  Plus, he’s crazy.  I don’t think the audience needs to know any additional details about what happened.

The acting in this movie is something extraordinary … from all the cast.  Last time I saw acting this good was when my 10th grade girlfriend told me she loved me, and to keep it in.

But hey, who am I to change a barnyard porn-loving freak like Ervin?  If that’s your thing, I can understand your frustrations when a group of good actors and a great story are brought together.  This film certainly deserved the recognition at the Academy Awards.  Kudos!

I recommend that you give this movie another viewing, and if you don’t agree this is the best movie in a long time, then you’re just plain wrong.  No doubt about it.  I’m right, you’re wrong, you should die.

– Count of Flanders

Ervin Shlopnicks Quick Movie Review – No Country for Old Men

Beings I’m a father of two and hold down a full time job. I do not get many chances to go to the theater to watch a movie. And in this day of $9.50 ticket prices, it’s very hard for me to shell out that kind of money and take a chance on a movie really sucking.

 So this movie review is about one that I waited for to come out on DVD. That way I’m only spending $4.00, plus I’m able to stop the movie when I want to go for a bathroom break or shoot heroin. Both of which I need to do at least three times during an average length movie.

 The movie I am reviewing this time out is the Oscar winner for best picture of 2007, “No Country for Old Men”. I figured that I really could not go wrong laying my $4.00 down on an Oscar winner (and for best movie to boot). Boy howdy was I wrong about that. Now before I get started let me tell you that I did like the movie, in about the same way I like being able to get to a toilet in time when my bowels start to rumble after a double beef an been burrito. I’m not really happy about the whole situation, but I am glad I did not shit myself.

 I don’t think that I have ever seen a movie that had as much killing as this one did, but was as slow it was. Here’s an example what I mean:

 Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk

 Victim: Talk Talk Talk Talk

 Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk

 Victim: Talk Talk Talk Talk

 Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk

 Victim: Talk Talk Talk Talk

 Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk … Bang, you’re dead.

 Bad Guy walks away and we move to sheriff eating his lunch. I think that happened about eight times during the movie. Hell the biggest shootout of the movie we missed. All we get to see if the aftermath. AND WHAT THE FUCK WAS TOMMY LEE JONES’S WHOLE DREAM COVERSATION ABOUT?!?!?! Could someone fucking explain that to me.

 If this was the best that Hollywood had to offer for 2007. Then this year really sucked for movies. Also I’m pissed that I spent $4.00 for this turd, when I could have waited till it came on cable and then would have only had the 2 hours of my life that was lost watching it to bitch about.

 My suggestion, rent barnyard porn. You always know what you’re going to get and the action is a lot better. Plus no dream conversation scenes.