Archive for the ‘reviews’ Category
Tags: Batman, Dark Knight, Facial, Jamie lynn Spears, love scene, Making love, The Dark Knight
Tags: advice, Clowns, comments, Decor, Email, expert advice, Home, Midget porn, Modern Design, naked clowns, NAMBLA, opinion
I know I said I was done… and I am. I mean it!!
But we received an email from a fan that I just could not let go unanswered. So this is now my final post for Hot Lard… It is… Really… I mean it… I’m done after this… STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!!!!
Letter from a fan:
I’d appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging bubble chair.
I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur I’d like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it’d be swell if you can place our link on your blog.
I always knew this site was about modern design and now here is my chance to prove it.
My name is Ervin Shlopnick, I’m the managing director, of things that need management and direction for Hot Lard Inc. I’d like to say thank you for your email; home décor & modern design are two of the most important things in my life. Right after cow tipping, colostomy bags, rubber pants, adult diapers, septic tank skinny dipping, and fart lighting contests.
I checked out your site and I do have a few comments for you. First you need some naked clowns. Nothing says buy my crap better than a naked clown staring you in the face. That is how we sold over 2 million units of our product, “Why I Like to Touch Mommy Down There, Lubricant”. Next, you could use a blood splatter back ground and maybe a woman screaming.
As far as your products, I’m not really seeing anything I could use for my 16 monkeys. Do you have a monkey section on your site that I did not find? How easily can one clean feces from your products. Those darn monkey sure do love throwing their feces around. I guess it is partially my fault; I’m usually the one who starts the feces fight with them. Also do you have any chairs that would prevent your victim.. errr I mean “date” from escaping before you have finished? Other than that I think you stuff is pretty much crap.
Thanks again for the email, I’ll be posting your link right between the barn yard porn and NAMBLA ads.
Regards and sweet, sweet kisses
I wonder what Sean has to think of my “Win Win” ideas. But You’ll never know, because this is my last post. (BUH WAH HA HA HA)
Tags: Bad Movies, Britney Spears, classic movies, good movies, Movies, must see, oscars, Star Wars, The Matrix, Thumbs down, Thumbs up
Beings I’m the fourth most important person on the Internet today, I get asked for my opinion a lot. People want to know my feelings on a whole range of things…
Not really sure why, Guess it’s because I’m so damn smart.
So here is a quick list of answers to the questions I get asked the most.
The Chicken came first…
The toilet paper role goes over and not under…
Ice cream with sprinkles is best…
Cows are evil…
The Anal Intruder 3000 is far superior to the Anal Intruder 2600…
If you’re happy and you know it, you really should clap your hands…
Al Gore knows nothing about the Internet…
The first words ever spoken were, “Pull my finger”…
One thing that has been asked of me the most is what are the 10 best and 10 worst movies of all time? Believe it or not I have an answer for that too. I have compiled a list of the best and worst movies that have spewed out of Hollywood and are now going to share them with you.
Before you read them a few things to remember…
This list is final, so don’t be writing in say, “You missed this movie and I didn’t like that one movie on your list, now I’m going to have minstrel cramps all day”. Remember, I am the fourth most important person on the Internet, so unless you are one of the three people that are more important than me, your opinion doesn’t mean shit and is unwanted.
Also, before you start whining about the new Batman movie not being on the list. I have not seen it yet, so don’t wet your panties because it is not on here.
Top Ten Movies of All Time
The list is not in order due to the fact that I can not pick a number one. The way I look at it is, if I had to be stranded on a desert island and could only watch 10 movies. These are the ones I would choose.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Category – Action Adventure
Action, comedy and the wrath of God. What more could you get into a movie.
Shaw Shank Redemption
Category – Drama
The first movie I can honestly say was as good as if not better than the book.
Dumb And Dumber
Category – Comedy
The only movie I truly know word for word and will use lines from it in everyday conversation. And if you don’t, “You’re one pathetic loser… No offence”.
Star Wars (Empire Strikes Back)
Category – Sci-Fi
Best of the bunch. Darth Vader is Luke’s father? WOW!
Category – Horror / Action Adventure
This movie single handedly killed an industry. Plus it has the greatest and most recognizable theme song of all time.
Pink Floyd –The Wall
Category – Musical
First time I saw this I was medicated. Enough said.
Category – Drama / War
“I love the smell of Napalm in the Morning” So do I.
Category – Sci-Fi
What a mind job.
Full Metal Jacket
Category – Drama / War
Get this through your thick skulls maggots. R. Lee Ermey is a god!!!
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Category – Comedy
10a. Lord Of the Rings (Trilogy)
Category – Action Adventure
This one comes in after I originally made the list. I can’t find it in my heart to remove any of the above (Maybe the Matrix because the sequels pissed me off so much) but I can’t leave this epic of film making off the list. This is a true masterpiece and could be number one on my list. Move over Star Wars, there is a new King!
Honorable Mention – (Movies I would like to see wash ashore)
Star Trek (First Contact)
The Usual Suspects
War of the Worlds (The original)
South Park the Movie
Worst Movie – (The movies I would most likely use as Fire Wood)
Star Wars (The Phantom Menace)
Category – Crap / Insulting
What were you thinking George??? JAR JAR Binks is the spawn of Satan.
The Matrix (Revolutions)
Category – What the F*ck?!?!?!?!
The absolute biggest let down of all time. The Whychowski brothers took a classic and destroyed it. I waited 5 years to see the ultimate battle between man and machine……..END IN A TIE??!?
Mission to Mars
Category – Sell out.
Mission to my ass is more like it. I’m sorry but did everyone forget how to act when they signed on to do this turd.
Howard the Duck
Category – Ducks are not funny!!!
Another George Lucas abomination, I believe it was an early test on the American public for JAR JAR Binks.
The American President
Category – You blew it in the last 15 minutes of the movie.
Loved this movie right up to the part where is said he was a “Card carrying member of the ACLU”. I have never watched a second of this movie since.
Category – Just because you read Dianetics, doesn’t mean you can make a good movie.
How do you take a 1500 page book that took ten years to write and fit it into a 2 hour movie………. You don’t.
Star Trek V (The Final Frontier)
Category – Capt. Kirk can’t direct
Or write or produce or act or………..Who let him loose on this toilet stain anyway?
Jaws 3 (3D)
Category – Greed
How do you take one of the most epic movie titles of all time and turn it into a joke? Watch this movie and find out.
Raise the Titanic
Category – A bad book usually makes for a bad movie.
So bad I don’t even think you can find it on video now.
Category – What does a diploma from Notre Dame gets you?
Well if you’re Rudy it gets you a job mowing lawns. Yes that’s correct Rudy was mowing lawns years after graduating and only stopped doing it after the movie was made. Now he gives inspirational speeches on determination………….. This from a man who was MOWING LAWNS FOR A LIVING!!!!
10.a The Barney Movie
Category – Soul Stealer
I pretty much stayed away for kids movies, (I felt they would be to easy a target) but this one I had to include. This 90 minutes of evil took my soul and never gave it back. The only good thing about being forced to watch this movie is that I get to throw it back in my daughters face whenever I want. Here is an example:
My Sweet little girl: Daddy, can I go to college?
Me: You forced me to watch the Barney Movie with you when you were 5. I’m afraid I have done everything that a father is called to do for his child, so college it out.
My Sweet little girl: But daddy, what am I supposed to do with my life?
Me: Here’s and Idea, become an assassin and kill that fucking Barney. If that doesn’t work out, there is always room for one more hooker on this planet.
Tags: anal sex, Britney Spears, comments, Crack Whore, delet, delete, Disgusting, Funny, get a life, Midget porn, Mohammad, News, pakistani spectator, Pervert, sniff, thank you
Tags: 360, conan, review, video game, xbox, xbox 360, xbox360
A while back, I beat Eragon for the Xbox 360. Eragon is button-mashing hack-n-slash game. It’s a weak story with fugly next-gen graphics, cheesy one-liners, and terrible fighting mechanics. Why did I play this game? Because I bought it for less than $10 new and felt I should continue the pain and suffering.
Why am I talking about Eragon when this is a review for Conan? To be frank, Conan brought forth excruciating memories from the past. Almost everything about Conan sucked. Below are the good and the bad.
- CAMERA POSITION: In a 3rd person video game, camera position/angle is key. If you fuck this up, then I can’t see the bad guys! If you force me to replay a section simply because your game engine sucks so bad that you take it out on me, well … go fuck yourself Nihilistic Software and THQ.
- UNBALANCE ENEMIES: Why does a fleshy tiger require 10 hits to bring down when an armored man with a blade fighting back and block my sword swings only take 3 or 4 hits? If I’m in the middle of a combo on said tiger, how does it find room to stop my attack and get in a few good paw swipes on my burly chest?
- INVISIBLE WALLS: Not so bad if you have a visual clue that you’re not allow to go there. But, if Conan is running around trying to take cover or evade enemy attacks, please don’t make it appear as though I can go over there when all that does is leave me open to attacks my giant apes. That leads me to my next complaint.
- GIANT APES: WTF? These psychos take beating and dish it out too. I’m sorry, but if put enough force behind a meat cleaver, you’re gonna get chopped in two! Yeah-yeah, use the magic and stone him to death. Sure … ok. * sigh*
- FINAL BOSS BATTLE: Man, talk about lame and retarded. This douche bag’s death was longer and more drawn out than these. This fight, even on Easy difficulty, was stupid-hard. Not hard as in “figure out the best weapon attack and when to strike” attack … this was more like “avoid my dreadlocks as they whip around in a giant circle while avoiding these tar-covered zombies who and found Conan’s only weakness … spinning helicopter punches to his obviously weak and punny chest” attacks. I swear, at one point I had jumped in the air, and began a heavy attack to slaughter some of these tar dudes when then they (weapon-less mind you) figured out how to beat physics and somehow juggle me in the air with spinning helicopter punches (yes, the kind you and your kid brother used to do to each other when you were a kid). Think of Zangief’s spinning punches, except done by tiny little dudes half the size of Conan with no shields or weapons.
- BUTTON SEQUENCES: I suppose when done correctly, button sequences have their place. In Conan, you’re given about 5 milliseconds after the button you’re supposed to press appears and the time to your untimely death. The only other game where I’ve had to deal with a button sequence was Tomb Raider: Legend. Now, I can’t say it was perfect, but at least the sequence didn’t change, and you were given about 1-2 seconds for your brain to register which button to press. Conan’s just sucked, even on Easy difficulty.
- MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT: I’ll admit, there were plenty of hours spent playing Conan that were enjoyable. As with Call of Duty 2 or 3, it was fun to slaughter Nazis as a good stress reliever. The same was true with Conan. It was fun to hack-n-slash about an hour or so at a time. Conan was a good in-between game that allowed my left hand a break from Guitar Hero 3 (I hate you Neversoft for including Raining Blood by Slayer in GH3).
- HILARIOUS DIALOG: Conan is a man’s man. He dished out quite a few Schwarzenegger-esque lines. Many directed at his soon-to-be-dead foes. Some that come to mind just as Conan put the finishing move to his victim were “I’ll cleave your skull to your teeth” and “You cry like a child” and “Face Crom”. No doubt, Crom is some kind of mystical god. He’s mentioned quite a bit in the game.
- MAIDENS: Conan is rated M for Mature. There are buckets of blood shed in this game (check), brutal combat sequences (check), and topless whores (double-check) waiting for you to crush them with your love. The topless maidens are scattered throughout each level just waiting for you to rescue them. A few the hotties simply wonder where their clothes went; while others never suspected their savior would be so strong. Buuuuut, a few can’t wait for you to drop your drawers in the mist of major combat sequence to crush them with your (obviously) huge and massive … love. You get the idea. See below:
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this game. While there are more bad things outlined above, there were enough good quality moments that seemed to make me forget about some of the bad. The kicker, however, is that I borrowed this from a friend … I can guarantee that if I’d spent money on this game, I would have been upset. Maybe not so much if I rented it, but this game just wasn’t enjoyable-enough to recommend … even as a rental. My advice is to find someone willing to let you borrow it. If you simply must play it, rent only.
This is a sad, but one of many additions to the Xbox 360 library. You have better options for your video game dollars. With respect to the Playstation 3, I feel sorry for those with so few good games to choose from have yet another shitty game to add to your small (but growing) library of choices.
I give Conan 3 decapitations out of 10.
Tags: cohen, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, movie review, Movies, no country for old me, tommy lee jones, woody harrelson
I suppose, there is another opinion I’d like to share.
Initially, I was distraught at the end of the movie when it ended so abrubtly. Maybe it was because I wasn’t paying attention. I talked to a friend about my frustrations, and he said each of the two times he saw it in the theater, people booed and hissed when the credits rolled. Both times.
I admitted after whining about it, that I really hadn’t devoted my full attention span to the characters and plot, etc. While I was wide-awake during the entire movie, I simply could not pay attention (little kid running around the house will do that).
So, I gave it another chance with the significant other … totally thinking she’d demand this piece of shit be turned off immediately (she has this thing against manly movies … and NCfOM is certainly one of them).
Surprisingly, she sat through the entire movie without folding one pair of jeans or a load of towels, or my snot rags. She actually sat down for ~two hours to watch a violent movie.
Even more suprisingly, she didn’t hate it. I think this is common with women; they seem to look beyond the action and violence and concentrate more on the characters and their struggle/success in the story. I, along with Ervin, tend to gravitate towards the action and killing, and of course boobies.
However, on my 2nd viewing, I took a step back and watched it with fresh eyes. This time, I got it. I understood why there was no need to see the big shootout in the desert. Not actually seeing it gave it more realism; plus, the near-dead Mexican in the truck was rather freaky. I understood the narrative of Tommy Lee Jones’ character in the beginning of movie, and his story at the end made sense.
This country has become no country in which old men can survive. It has gotten too violent; too out of control. I think it is quite-evident in the opening scene in which crazy-man chokes the deputy. The violence gets off to a pretty good start, don’t you think Ervin?
Ervin, your script is missing some key dialog in which bad buy is trying to figure out what the two business men know. And, what information they’ve told others. Why? Because he works alone, I guess. Plus, he’s crazy. I don’t think the audience needs to know any additional details about what happened.
The acting in this movie is something extraordinary … from all the cast. Last time I saw acting this good was when my 10th grade girlfriend told me she loved me, and to keep it in.
But hey, who am I to change a barnyard porn-loving freak like Ervin? If that’s your thing, I can understand your frustrations when a group of good actors and a great story are brought together. This film certainly deserved the recognition at the Academy Awards. Kudos!
I recommend that you give this movie another viewing, and if you don’t agree this is the best movie in a long time, then you’re just plain wrong. No doubt about it. I’m right, you’re wrong, you should die.
– Count of Flanders
Tags: anal sex, bad movie, best movie, boring, Crack Whore, Fuck, hit man, hitman, Hollywood, Midget porn, movie review, no country for old men, nuts, oscar, pissed, porn, psycho, slow, sniff, sucked, Talk
Beings I’m a father of two and hold down a full time job. I do not get many chances to go to the theater to watch a movie. And in this day of $9.50 ticket prices, it’s very hard for me to shell out that kind of money and take a chance on a movie really sucking.
So this movie review is about one that I waited for to come out on DVD. That way I’m only spending $4.00, plus I’m able to stop the movie when I want to go for a bathroom break or shoot heroin. Both of which I need to do at least three times during an average length movie.
The movie I am reviewing this time out is the Oscar winner for best picture of 2007, “No Country for Old Men”. I figured that I really could not go wrong laying my $4.00 down on an Oscar winner (and for best movie to boot). Boy howdy was I wrong about that. Now before I get started let me tell you that I did like the movie, in about the same way I like being able to get to a toilet in time when my bowels start to rumble after a double beef an been burrito. I’m not really happy about the whole situation, but I am glad I did not shit myself.
I don’t think that I have ever seen a movie that had as much killing as this one did, but was as slow it was. Here’s an example what I mean:
Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk
Victim: Talk Talk Talk Talk
Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk
Victim: Talk Talk Talk Talk
Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk
Victim: Talk Talk Talk Talk
Bad Guy: Talk Talk Talk Talk … Bang, you’re dead.
Bad Guy walks away and we move to sheriff eating his lunch. I think that happened about eight times during the movie. Hell the biggest shootout of the movie we missed. All we get to see if the aftermath. AND WHAT THE FUCK WAS TOMMY LEE JONES’S WHOLE DREAM COVERSATION ABOUT?!?!?! Could someone fucking explain that to me.
If this was the best that Hollywood had to offer for 2007. Then this year really sucked for movies. Also I’m pissed that I spent $4.00 for this turd, when I could have waited till it came on cable and then would have only had the 2 hours of my life that was lost watching it to bitch about.
My suggestion, rent barnyard porn. You always know what you’re going to get and the action is a lot better. Plus no dream conversation scenes.