Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Twilight

Why do I immediately think of the Twilight movies when I see this?

Wallpapers to Annoy Your Boss

Today, the lawyerin’ monkeys that control us at the Hot Lard HQ said we could share a few our wallpapers that annoy them the most. You see, the monkeys prefer poo and fleas … those don’t make for very interesting conversation pieces when we get search warrants visits from the cops, checking-up on complaints from the neighbors about loud banjos and screams of penetration. Plus, the monkeys just jump and down furiously while vomiting the shit they just ate from their sister (yes, they’re ALL females … if you catch my drift … we wouldn’t have it any other way).

Jesus … anyway, here you go:

Demotivational Posters #40

Ok, two things here….

First, it has been a very long time since I have created any demotivational posters, so I’m sure these suck like your whore of a wife. Of course your whore of a wife sucks pretty good… just ask your neighbors donkey. So we’ll just say that they suck like you…. Where you’d only do it if you were forced to and you’d probably be pretty bad at it.

Second, I’m not really sure if this is truly volume 40 of the poster series. But I’m being lazy and don’t really want to check the site the see what number the last one was, so I figured, “Fuck it” I’ll just say its number 40 and run with it. Besides, if I skipped a few volumes, later on I can use those numbers and say they are the “LOST VOLUMES” and charge a shit load of money for them.

Not to say that our live stock….errrrrrrrrrr I mean devoted readers are stupid and gullible. I just think that I’m that much more smarter than you and could get one over on yah.

Enjoy, you turds.

Ervin

O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Mr. Positive 01/31/2010

Mr. Positive says, “When all else fails, you can always cheat”.

Demotivational Posters – Running is Dumb

Running sucks…

It’s just dumb! Why the fuck run when you can walk or drive and get where you are going and not be out of breath.

Here’s few reasons why running is so dumb.

Demotivational Poster – Nightmares

Sometimes I will see a photo and say to myself, “Self, this is a demotivational poster.” I knew the second that I looked at this picture I was going to be wetting my bed tonight from the nightmare that it would bring… Ok, I guess I pretty much wet the bed all the time for no apparent reason… other than I like the feeling…. And smell…. But that is a story for another time.

Plans for New Years Eve?

So, it’s about time to starting drinking.  If you haven’t stopped by the liquor store to pick up your stash, you had better run because the pickings are sure to be slim.

So, what’s everyone doing this year?

Are you going over to Uncle Ted’s house for a night of Pitch and watching Carson “Tool” Daly present Adam Lambert to a crowd of horny hetrosexuals in Times Square?

Or, are you going to the bar to try to score with similarly-desperate female by using the pickup line, “Hey, wanna hunt for bear?”.  Which, by the way, I’m told works quite well because chics don’t expect such a crazy line like that.

Or, are you going to be trying to do doing this?

I hope everyone reading has a safe, yet fun (shown above) New Years Eve!!

Another Round of Christmas Cards

Christmas is a mere few days away, so we wanted to shove a couple more Christmas cards in your face.

If you’re Jewish, just imagine the words are different.

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!!

Christmas cards and wishes to make anyones heart sing with joy.

Please take this card as a token of our appreciation to you… Our wonderful readers… this Christmas holiday.

Yeah, I know, it is pretty much a piece of shit. I believe it took our art depart all of thirty seconds to slap the damn thing together and post it… I really hate those bastards and would like to see them all fired… or taste their own blood. But hey, what can one do? It’s hard to find an art department that will agree to wear full-body leather suits and ball-gags at work.

Beings this card sucks so much, I’ve decided to have the illegitimate children of our staff come up with their own sweet little Christmas cards for our readers. You can see them below.

Or if you like, you can view last years Christmas special here, http://hotlard.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/demotivational-posters-christmas-special/ because we are too cheep to do a new one this year.

Happy Christmas to you all…. Except you, yes you, you know who I’m talking about.

Ervin Shlopnick.

Managing Director of Smell My Finger and Tape Worm