Christmas cards and wishes to make anyones heart sing with joy.

Please take this card as a token of our appreciation to you… Our wonderful readers… this Christmas holiday.

Yeah, I know, it is pretty much a piece of shit. I believe it took our art depart all of thirty seconds to slap the damn thing together and post it… I really hate those bastards and would like to see them all fired… or taste their own blood. But hey, what can one do? It’s hard to find an art department that will agree to wear full-body leather suits and ball-gags at work.

Beings this card sucks so much, I’ve decided to have the illegitimate children of our staff come up with their own sweet little Christmas cards for our readers. You can see them below.

Or if you like, you can view last years Christmas special here, http://hotlard.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/demotivational-posters-christmas-special/ because we are too cheep to do a new one this year.

Happy Christmas to you all…. Except you, yes you, you know who I’m talking about.

Ervin Shlopnick.

Managing Director of Smell My Finger and Tape Worm

Iowa Hawkeye Demotivation

We are still in prison…errrrrrrrrrrrrr I mean on vacation.

But after the bitch slap the Iowa Hawkeyes laid on the Penn State …. Ummmm, they’re called the Silly Little Bitches aren’t they???

Well any-who, I had to create a couple of posters to mark this great victory.

GO HAWKS!

We’re Away…

Click picture

Mr. Positive – Happy 4th of July

Mr. Positive says, “Happy 4th of July to you all. It was on this date that the great American forefathers, risked their lives and freedom to commit treason against the British Crown and sign the Declaration of Independence, so that all men could live free, be equal, and pursue happiness…. Of course the slaves felt pretty jipped about the whole thing.

RIP Michael Jackson

Just want to take a moment to remember the late great Michael Jackson….

OK, IT’S SAFE FOR ALL THE LITTLE BOYS TO COME OUT OF HIDING NOW. HE CAN’T RAPE YOUR ASS ANY MORE !!!

Sniff… I’m all broken up.

Happy Thanksgiving from Hot Lard

I’d like to wish all of our readers a very Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at Hot Lard.

And if you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving from where you are…

Ummmm, happy “Whatever day” you bunch of heathens celebrate in your blood soaked caves and dungeons.

A Message to Our Readers – YOU’RE GREAT!!!

We here at Hot Lard would like to tell our readers…

YOU’RE GREAT!!!!

YOU’RE GREAT!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOT LARD

On August 9th Hot Lard turns 1 year old.  We were so overwhelmed with the stuff we received from our fans, that I thought it would be good to just use this day to show everyone all the great cards we received.

Plus I’m going to get so drunk, there is no way I will be able to type anything. I plan on drinking so much, it will kill my DNA.

Before I display the cards we received, I’d like to reflect on some fond memories I have from this past year…

Midget Porn

Crack Whores

Barn Yard Porn

I hate Soccer

Wal-Mart is Evil

Whelp, that pretty much sums it up.

Happy Birthday Hot Lard

Enjoy,

Sniff…

Thanks everyone.

Andy Dick Wishes Hot Lard a Happy Birthday

Hot Lard, I just heard that you are having a birthday. You know what that means, PARRRRRTYYYYYYYYY!!! Wooooo hoooooo, next to waking up in my own vomit, there is nothing I like more than PARRRTYYYYY-ing with my bros at Hot Lard.

Dudes I have this primo shit that you are just going to love. And next to sexually assaulting a 13 year old boy girl, there is nothing I like more than PARRRRRTYYYYY-ing with primo shit with my bros at Hot Lard.

Are there going to be babes at the PARRRRTYYYYY? God I hope so, I really need to get laid. Next to having a hairy set a balls slapping against my chin, there is nothing I like more than PARRRRTYYYY-ing with babes that will do anything while doing some primo shit with my bros at Hot Lard.

Ummmm, could you guys loan me $20 to $50 bucks? I seemed to have lost all my money while getting gang raped in jail.

Thanks dudes!

Let’s PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTYYYYYYYYYYY

[edit]

I thought everyone might like to see Andy’s latest mugshot from his arrest:

See our other b-day wishes here

Jean-Claude Van Damme Wish Hot Lard a Happy Birthday

Dear Hot Lard staff,

Please accept my best-wishes for your One Year birthday!

As a token of my appreciation for you brand of comic humor, please note the enclosed gift bag.  For your readers, I have listed them:

• a piece of glass I stole from Bloodsport that was used during the filming of the famous scene where I beat up that big burly Asian guy.
• the underwear I wore during my most-famous scene in Time Cop during the scene in the kitchen where I jump onto the countertop and perform an amazing split to avoid being electrocuted.  I think the stain from an oily fart is still there if you look closely.
• a signed photograph of Wilford Brimley.  I signed up for diabetes medication after seeing his commercial late one night, and requested two signed copies of his face … which he complied.  He’s my favorite actor, and a true American hero.
• one sandwich baggie with my collection of ear wax I have accumulated since I first step foot on American soil.  This is my gift to you and your readers.  Although, I might be hard to share this with your readers, but be sure to let them know I gave it to you.  I no longer need it because my doctor says I should slowly begin to relieve myself of many of my belongings, as I’ve got a disorder in which I like to keep (horde?) many useless byproducts of human living.  I still can’t bring myself to flush my toilet.

I hope you all enjoy your day on August 9th.  I plan to sing a song I wrote for this occasion, which is titled, “Oh fair donkey, love thy thee”.  I will be Botswanna filming my next movie (co-starring Marshall Mathers).  It is tear-jerker love story about two fellas who met on the internet and decide to finally meet.  We have recruited some of the best screenwriters in American to develop this rich story, and I cannot wait to release this movie worldwide, to hopefully critical-acclaim.

Take care everyone!  Just remember to take it easy and rest your elbows.

Love,
JCVD

See our other B-day wishes here