O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

We’re Away…

Click picture

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
• locations.
• You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
• correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
• assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting
• the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Installing a Husband

Dear Technical Support Group,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:

• Romance 9.5 and
• Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as:

• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0
• Golf Clubs 4.1.

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

——————

Dear DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:

>>ithoughtyoulovedme.html

and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and  Flowers 3.5.  However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to  Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.  You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend:

• Cooking 3.0
• Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck!
Technical Support Group (TSG)

A Big Tease

Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, but I’m gonna go down on you…
And you’re gonna love it…
But it’s only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it…
Then I’m gonna come back up again and fuck you, big time…

Lots of love,
Fuel Prices

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ’Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ’You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ’You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your f….ing bran muffins.  We could have been here ten years ago!’

A Hot Lard Kodak Moment – A Hard Question

Quick!!!

Tell us your fathers name….

It’s OK, take your time.

Demotivational Posters Volume #21

Official Hot Lard 20,000 + Hit Post

Hey kids!

I’m still down from my surgery, but the mass amounts of pain killers that I am on has lead me to create a new batch of demotivational posters. I have no clue what they are about or where I got the photos… or what day it is and whose computer I’m using right now. But I’m sure they may be of some amusement to you… If you can understand them.

Enjoy!

To see our other demotivational posters CLICK HERE

Demotivational Posters Volume #20

Official Hot Lard 2000 Hit Post

Prison is a hard place; it gives you plenty of time to think.
About …

The errors you have made in life.
What you need to do to change your situation.
What soda maker produces the best shanking can material?
Was dropping the soap that third time in the shower just showing off?
Did “Three Testical Charlie” the convicted serial rapist have something in his eye, or was we winking at me, signifying I would be his next butt sex victim.

Well enough about my social life. The one thing that prison did give me time to do was come up with a whole slew of new demotivational posters to share with all my friends on the outside. Enjoy these. I’m not sure when I’ll get my next conjugal visit.

Till then…

To view our other demotivational posters, click here

Demotivational Posters Volume #19

Official Hot Lard 1000 Hit Post

We’re going away for awhile kids…

So I’m hoping this partial list of demotivational posters will tide you over until we return.

To see our other Demotivational posters Click Here