My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Public Restrooms

I’ve been told that public restrooms are a breeding ground for germs.

That doesn’t seem right to me…

I believe that anyone should be allowed to breed in them.

O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Mr. Positive – Sharing Your Thanksgiving Meal

Mr. Positive says…

“After this years big Thanksgiving meal. Throw up on a homeless family. They could really use the food”.

Hot Lard joins PETA to speak out about the slaughter of baby seals

It’s time to show Canada, they can’t fuck with PETA and Hot Lard!!!!

(Click on poster for a better look)

We’re Away…

Click picture

Happy Earth Day – Bah Humbug

Happy Earth Day from all of us here at Hot Lard.

Remember friends, the quicker we destroy the planet, the sooner we don’t have to listen to all these liberal pussies telling us how important being GREEN is.

So please do your part and throw an extra bag a trash into your neighbors yard today.

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Treat Yourself to a Girl Scout

I tried this…

But now Megan’s Law says I have to stay at least 1500 feet from them.

The Terrible Turth Dairy Queen Doesn’t Want You to Know About

Daddy, how is ice cream made?

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – The Worlds Greatest Cheeseburger

Last night I created the world’s greatest bacon cheeseburgers. I fried up some of the best thick cut bacon you can find. The burger was made from the choices meats.  I used fresh lettuce, onions, and tomatoes from my garden. To top it all off I used BBQ sauce instead of ketchup, and to give it a little kick, I placed hot peppers on the burgers. My mouth took a joy ride to heaven after every bite; I had two of them….

Just 10 minutes ago I created the greatest bacon cheeseburger “turd” the world has ever known. You may want to avoid the restroom for the rest of the day…. or month…. maybe year.

Prison Update

I just wanted to let everyone know that my good friend and co-owner of Hot Lard, Ervin, really is out of commission.  According to my inside sources, he found a friend in prison that wasn’t kind to him.

Given your many clues to Ervin’s sexual prowness, rest-assured it isn’t Ervin that is suffering … rather, the ‘Bubba’ who thought he would take advantage of poor Ervin.  I betyou can all imagine the look of shock and fear as ‘Bubba’ was subjected to Ervin’s many horror stories and tall tales of mustangs (horses) and llamas.

Even with his many ventures into barnyard porn and the likes, he did sustain some internal damage that is going to prolong his stay in confinement.  Don’t worry though, he sentence is nearly served and the doctors should have him patched up in no time … he’ll be back on his knees in no time at all.

So to tide everyone over, I thought I’d share a Kodak Moment.

Who’s hungry for Pizza Hut?

Feel free to leave your “well wishes” for Ervin.  He’ll be back very soon, in full-form ready to make everyone vomit all over again.

Later…
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