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Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib Volume #3 (Midget Porn)

Official Hot Lard 3000 Hit Post

Ok, you group of sick puppies. It’s time for another Hot Lard mad lib. Once gain how this works is…

We take the sick and demented reference words you spider monkey pedophiles use to find our little slice of heaven here. And turn them into a nice sweet little bedtime story you can tell your illegitimate children.

Remember, the bold words are the ones you MENSA club members thought of…

The continuing, never ending, super fantastic, adventures of Midget Porn.

Midget Porn was having hot anal sex with Harrel Braddy and The Gay Rancheros when a fat hot girl asked if there were any HOT MIDGETS that enjoyed gay rape in corn shit with 2 midgets fucking a crack whore.

So they all set out to look for women who love anal sex while having a gay email exchange with Nigerians in Canada who ejaculate into wedding cake on tape. What they found were hot midget women who like russian pussies even though anal sex hurts the bitch train.

Sadly they all had to sniff underpants of the fat bitch ass to cross the bridge of ANAL ATTACK . During this journey they had to eat nothing but corn poop for the purpose of improving ejaculation stream of the retards so they could read their crack whore greeting cards to the public hotties while they ass raped MEDIACOM.

Happily they came across a Strip Joint that featured Ruth did it on hotdogs and corn ejaculation. So they all sang about the best anal sex a college fat girl could have with a halo 3 case and hot candy ladies. When it was time to leave they asked the doorman how often should you ejaculate onto a picture of a tard while filling out sick humor mad libs. The door man replied what happens if i ejaculate every day and they all knew it was time to anal fuck a midget.

The end

Nighty Night Kiddies

Mediacom SUCKS!

In the long line of companies that suck. I would have to say that Mediacom is by far one of the worst. If you don’t know what Mediacom is, it is this so called cable company that has infested the Midwest and is now delivering some of the crappiest service one could ever ask for.

Half the commercials I see on TV are for this abomination of a service provider that tells us what a great company they are and how bad everyone else is. They say they will jump in front of a moving bus to save a single customer from the least bit of hardship. While at the same time they shove their 44″ monster dick into our ass and won’t pull it out until we scream uncle.

The latest abortion this evil entity is trying to deliver upon its unsuspecting customers is that, “Less is More”. For us folks that shell out a good amount of money to get the digital service and all the pay channels. Mediadork is now telling us that they are removing 25 of these channels they sold us and that this is a good thing. WTF?!?!?!

Take a look at the links below to see the two sides of the death threat Enhancement letter they sent explaining this great new service.

Death Threat Enhancement letter Page #1 Page #2

I’m sorry, but did I just get told I was getting my face painted and there was nothing I could do about it?

At the bottom of this letter there is a phone number to call. If you ever want to get a really good workout or get that vein on your temple to start throbbing. Try calling Mediacocks Customer Dis-Services Center. Boy Howdy it’s a real hoot. After three calls I decided to send them an e-mail in the hopes that they actually hired someone that can read and understand that when all the words are put together it means something. Below is the email I sent them.

Dear Mediacom,

I would like to start out this letter by saying that I have every service Mediacom has to offer for the residential customer. I currently use your high-speed internet service, phone service and cable TV service. I have every option that is offered for the TV service (HBO, Showtime, etc). So in a nutshell, I am paying a hefty sum of money to your company every month.

Up to yesterday, I can honestly say that I have been satisfied with the service options you offer for residential customers. However, after receiving a disturbing letter from you folks and the absolute hell I had to go through to try and get some answers on it. I felt I needed to set down and type my concerns and hope for some straight answers from you before I decide on whether to continue your service or move to a well-respected satellite provider (cough – Qwest).

The letter I received from you starts off with you blowing your own horn and saying how everything you do is for the betterment of the customer. I think you may even go on and explain how you send your employees’ home with a Shame Stick to beat themselves and then force them to cry themselves to sleep at night if one single customer is unhappy.

Then the letter goes on to state that to make my life better (because that is all you are ever concerned about) you are moving to an “All Digital” channel line up. This line up will increase your capacity for new services. And the first new service you are offering me is to remove 25 of my channels?????

Ummmmmmmm, this is better for me how?

Next, you do go on and state that all I am really losing are the “West Coast Channels” of all my pay channels. So I am not losing any programming whatsoever. It is only the west coast channels and all they are is just a repeat of what I get on the east coast. The problem I have with this is that I liked having the west cost channel to fall back on, incase I missed something on the east coast channels. Plus, (and one of the most irritating frustrations I have with Mediacom) one of the selling points you offered me when I was deciding whether or not to get all the pay channels was that the west coast channels were there and how I could use them to see what I missed on the east coast. So how did they suddenly become so unimportant? Did I miss the vote on deciding the important and unimportant channels? If I did, I demand a re-count.

I’m also concerned about my bill. Since I am losing all of these channels (regardless of what they are) am I going to see a reduction in my payment due each month? I was led to believe (by Mediacom) that part of the payment was for the West Coast channel lineup. And now that they are gone, are you (Mediacom) going to adjust my bill to compensate my family for the service quality we have lost?

Now, let’s move onto the really fun part … trying to get an answer from your company regarding this manner.

At the bottom of the letter you have a phone number for your livestock valued customers to call if they have any questions on this. So like any law-abiding citizen, I did … three times!

Calling your “Customer Dis-Service Center” showed me a whole new level of frustration. In the three times that I called them, I was lied to, yelled at, cut-off (disconnected), placed on never-ending hold, and came out more confused than when I went in. I must congratulate you on your training of your customer dis-service staff. They are truly the tops when it comes to miss-informing your valued customers. Normally, a company has to out-source to 3^rd-world developing country (cough-India/Malaysia) to get as confusing and misleading a team as you have assembled here in the good ole’ USA. For that, I applaud you … job well-done.

My first call was answered by Ms. I Don’t Know. I call her that because that is the only answer she could give me.

Me: Why are the west coast channels being dropped?

Ms. IDK: I don’t know

Me: Are you going to replace them with anything?

Ms. IDK: I don’t know

Me: Could you check?

Ms. IDK: Hold Please.

After 20 minutes on hold, I was sent to your electronic customer dis-service survey. Thankfully, my phone has the ability to enter negative numbers so I was able to provide an accurate score based upon my level of quality customer dis-service.

My next call I talked to Mr. You’re Not Losing Any Programming. This was the only answer he would give me to any of my questions.

Me: Am I losing these channels?

Mr. YNLAP: You’re Not Losing Any Programming!

Me: I understand that I’m not losing any original programming but I am losing the channels right?

Mr. YNLAP: You’re Not Losing Any Programming!

Me: But I am losing the channels, will there be anything to replace them?

Mr. YNLAP: You’re Not Losing Any Programming!

Me: I’m sorry, but are you reading from a script?

Mr. YNLAP: You’re Not Losing Any Programming!

We ended up yelling at each other and I had to hang up and start over again.

Finally on my third call I talked to Mr. Starz Black. I call him that because of the following verbal exchange (I am not making this up).

Me: Am I going to get anything to replace what I’m losing?

Mr. SB: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I think you may be getting Starz Black.

Me: What is Starz Black?

Mr. SB: I believe it is a channel for black people.

Wow! I went through all of that in an hour and an half. Most companies would charge admission for a ride like that. But you’re just given it away for free.

Ok, so seriously I would like to get few straight forward answers to the straight forward questions I have. Can someone PLEASE do this for me?!?!?!?!?

1. Why are we losing the West Coast channels? I have checked with Direct TV and they just added a bunch of new features including a bunch of new channels, one of particular interests is the Big Ten Network … and nothing was removed!! Why cann’t you offer customer service like this?

1. Will there be an adjustment (downward) in my bill? Part of the package I purchased included the West Coast channels. If you remove them and not compensate me for them, is that not a form a bait-and-switch (I will answer that for you … it is bait-and-switch)?

1. Are you replacing these lost channels with anything? If so, what the heck are they and where can I find a list of them? I must say that I’m extremely interested in Starz Black.

Please, do not send me one of your canned responses to disgruntled customer in hopes that they just go away. I WILL NOT BE GOING AWAY! Plus I will be more than happy to get the BBB and the attorney generals office involved in this if I have to. In addition, I found a handy web site for consumers to visit in the likely event they’re being screwed-over. Maybe you’ve heard of it, it is www.consumerist.com. I recommend that you bookmark it for future viewing.

And I swear, that if any of your answers to me include the phrase, “You’re Not Losing Any Programming”, I will be forced to do terrible things to my cat with a salad fork and month old bologna. So what do you say? For the sake of keeping one good customer and the well being of Mr. Whiskers……

CAN SOMEONE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS PLEASE!?!?!?!

Thank you,

Blstern

The L stands for West Coast

 

So far this is what I have received from Mediacoma

 

 

I’ll update this post when I get a response.

10/04/2007 UPDATE!!!

Did not get a response from Mediacum.

So I went out a got Direct TV. It’s premium package with the NFL Ticket and all pay channels… INCLUDING THE WEST COAST!!! Fuck Mediacunt!

10/05/2007 Update!!!

Mediacrap replied to my e-mail. (After I sent it to them a second time) After reading their response I was reminded of another email exchange I have had.

 

Dear Blstern

Originally this offering of the West Coast feeds of the premium channels was intended to give the subscriber more flexibility in their viewing schedule by offering the same programs at different times. The launch of Video On Demand (VOD) now allows our subscribers of the premium services to view the programming on each of the movie channels at anytime you wish at no extra cost. Also with VOD you can watch movies on your schedule, start, stop, rewind and pause all from your remote control. When we added the West Coast feeds, we did not increase rates. Rates, therefore, are not decreasing with this change. Mediacom appreciates your understanding as we move forward during this transition period.

Mediacom’s preferred position has been to have a regional sports network like the BTN placed on a digital tier. But, our company has been very flexible; we’ve offered many proposals to the Big 10 Net & FOX, including multiple proposals for putting the channel on our family cable (expanded basic).

We sincerely want to provide the BTN to our customers, but at a fair price, comparable to the costs of other networks on Family cable (expanded basic), or comparable to the average per customer cost BTN is charging to other national video distributors like Echostar or DirecTV.

The Big Ten Network is not the place to see Big 10 Football this fall, though. ABC sports will continue to carry Big 10 football games with 17 games this season and ESPN and ESPN2 will continue to carry the Big 10 games with 24 football games this season.

If you need further assistance or have any additional questions please feel free to contact us via e-mail and we will be happy to assist you, but please be sure to include your original email for reference. Or you may contact us through our Customer Service Department at 800-332-0245, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week for your convenience.

Thank you.

Mediacom Customer Service

E-Mail North Central Division

customerservicenc@mediacomcc.com

Hmmmmmmmmm, If you ask me. I believe I just got a whole bunch of nothing from these dweebs. Better straighten this out before they get a black mark on their perfect customer service record.

Dearest Mediacrud,

First off I would like to thank you for completely ignoring the email I sent you. The canned response you sent me has shown that you think of your valued customers as nothing more than live stock.

Let’s take a moment an analyze your email response to my questions.

I asked why the west coast channels were being removed and to that you replied…………. NOTHING!

I asked if my bill will be changed due to this lack of service and to that you replied……………..NOTHING AGAIN!!

I asked if there would be any replacement channels and where I could find a list of them. To that you replied……………. BIG FAT NOTHING!!!!!!

But you were able to place a commercial about your Video on Demand (VOD) in the first paragraph. Which explained that this product is so wonderful that in 10 years time it will create world peace and become a never ending power source.

I hate to burst your bubble, but your VOD will not replace everything your customers will lose when the west coast channels go away. It is pretty insulting that you even try to push that lame alternative on us. Does the VOD offer all the children’s programing that you can catch on the west coast channels because they come on to early on the east coast? NO!!!! Can I get foreign and art house movies on VOD….. NO!!!!!! Don’t get me wrong your VOD is really nice in what it does offer. But as a replacement for 25 channels, sorry that is just an insult.

The next three sections of your email are on the evils of the Big Ten Network and how it will corrupt our children into becoming Satanist or Republicans. I’m sorry but when did this become a big concern of mine. Did I ask you any questions on the BTN? No I did not. Did I ask for any explanation on why you do not offer it? Once again, no I did not. But just like your boring ass commercials, you feel it necessary to take any opportunity you can find to tell all of your live stock how great you are and how evil everybody else is. I’m sure your sainthood certificate should be coming in the mail real soon.

And then the insult to end all insults…

After I went into great detail on explaining what a cluster $@$#@$ your customer dis-service center was and the real problems I had with them. What was your final suggestion to me???? CALL OUR CUSTOMER DIS-SERVICE CENTER!!!!!!!! I’m sure you all got a really good laugh when you typed errrrrrrrrr I mean copied and pasted that into your reply to me.

Is there a Mediacrime e-mail address that will go to anyone other than retards? I would really like to converse with someone that has an IQ higher than a plastic plant?

OK, let’s try this again…

Questions 1. Why are the west channels being removed?

Questions 2. Is there going to be an adjustment to my bill?

Question 3. Will there be new channels to replace the ones I have lost? If so, where can I find a list of them?

There you go, three simple little questions. But to show you the good sport I am. I will translate these to Dork for you retards in the Customer Dis-Service Center.

Duh thing I ask 1. DUH DUH DUH, Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Blue banana, poopy pants

Duh Thing I ask 8. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooops I make yucky.

Duh thing I ask j. Bing Zip Big Ten Channel is the devil bah bah help?

I eagerly await your informative response.

Regards,

Blstern

The L stands for Direct TV.

Will let you know what I get from Mediaconfuse when I get it.

Update 10/22/2007

Just got Direct TV installed on Sunday. Watch the NFL ticket and the BIG TEN CHANNEL! Get to take my Mediacan’t tuners back tonight. I will love doing that. Sent an Email to Mediasnot telling them what a great deal Direct TV is.

Dearest Mediacom-bust

Just wanted to let you know that due to your lack of a response to my concerns, I have canceled your services and had Direct TV installed in my home.

Wow! What a great service they offer. East and WEST coast channels. Plus they have the Big Ten channel!!!! And you know what? It’s not as evil as you have led your (Dwindling) customer base to believe.

Thanks for the crappy service, without it I may have never discovered what true television viewing pleasure was all about. You may be the best sales person that Direct TV has. Keep up the good work.

Your ex-customer for life

blstern

I’m not betting on a response to this. But If I do get one, I’ll surly post it.