Mr Positive – 9/24/2010

Mr Positive says… “Rocks are harder than feathers because rocks are made from a rock like substance, where feathers are made from stuff that can make you fly. If I had to kill a cyclopes who has a runny nose and no pants… I’d go with the rock as my weapon of choice…… But would keep some feathers handy in case I had to fall back, fly away and fight another day”.

We’re Away…

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Hot Lard Book of the Day – Moose Diarrhea

Thinking this was a joke, I had to verify.

Yep, it’s real!

Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

Hot Lard’s Book Deal

Word around the campfire is that a couple of WordPress blogs have book deals in the works.  I think this is excellent news, as it gives the Hot Lard staff a number to work with when the Knopf Publishing Group comes knocking on our door with a wheel barrel full of cash.

If When they come knocking, we will be ready for them.  We’ve got a good start on the table of contents.  What do you think so far?

Chapter 1: The Meeting of two Great Minds

1.1: Count of Flanders and Ervin meet while attending the Naval Academy at Carnival Cruise Lines

1.1.1: Operation Pajama Pants in Panama City

1.1.2: Graduation day; worst commercial ship accident logged in Caspian Sea

1.1.3: One wild evening in Tehran!

1.2: Joining the Mile High Club, the easy way.

1.2.1: Ervin and the Count earn our wings to score with KLM hotties.

1.2.2: Tragedy and redemption on the North Sea.

Chapter 2: Degrees of Separation

2.1: Genealogy Secrets Revealed

2.1.1: Lineage dates back to …

2.2.2: Family Reunion proves deadly for some

2.2: Ervin and the Count embark a cross-country trek to trace their roots

Chapter 3: Ervin Discovers the Internet

3.1: Ervin plays internet poker and wins jackpot

3.2: Ervin gets invited to join webcam chat

3.3: Ervin registers http://www.2girls1cup.com

3.4: Ervin discovers vacant farm and sets up shop

Chapter 4: Count of Flanders graduates from the University of Pheonix

4.1: The job hunt

4.2: Life in the Police Academy is earily similar to part 2

4.3: Count of Flanders accepts agreement to model for the University of Pheonix for internet-based advertisements

Chapter 5: Living Apart

5.1: Ervin buys a goat

5.2: Ervin marries goat

5.3: Ervin sews his own flannel shirts

5.4: Ervin cheats on goat

5.5: Ervin registers http://www.goatse.cx

Chapter 6: A new beginning

6.1 Ervin and the Count join forces to rule the internet

Chapter 7: Count of Flanders learns of book deals for bloggers

Chapter 8: Count of Flanders makes up Table of Contents

Chapter 9: Count of Flanders is overwhelmed by media blitzkrieg

Chapter 10: Hot Lard’s email inbox is flooded with scores and megabytes of hottie girls photos.

As you can see, there are some chapters needing additional material.  Using my newfound ability to foresee the future, I predict all will be fully-realized.

I sit and wait…

(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib Volume #5 (Midget Porn)

Official Hot Lard 3000 Hit Post

Hot Lard would like to wish all of our readers a very Merry Christmas.

And as a gift to all you good little freaks girls and boys. We are placing a Christmas Mad lib in your stocking. What we did for this one was to take the x-mas classic “The Night Before Christmas” and added all the sweet little search terms you horny elves have used to find our jolly little site. Remember, the bold type words are the ones you reindeer rapist have come up with.

The Christmas Adventures of Midget Porn

‘Twas the night before midget anal sex, when all through the HOT RUSSIAN WHORE

Not a tard was stirring, not even a crazy crack whore;

The redneck bras were hung by the hot anal women with care,

In hopes that dickchop.com soon would be there;

The lard ass girls were nestled all snug in their smelly pussy,

While visions of fat midget porn danced in their heads;

And Liliya Galimowa in her ‘kerchief, and Midget Porn in a gay redneck ass,

Had just settled down for a long anal aftermath,

When out on the rainbow bright there arose such a ejaculation,

I sprang from mary kate olsen’s butt to see what was the matter.

Away to the nude nuns I flew like a “crack head”,

Tore open the ass raping mother fucker and anal fucked the gay midget.

The vanessa hudgens on the breast of the new-fallen anal bumps

Gave the lustre of an anal sex woman below,

When, what to my wondering nut sack should appear,

But a midget granny fucker, and eight tiny fat hairy midgets,

With a little old nude redneck , so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment HOW TO SWALLOW GALLONS OF CUM

More rapid than fart porn his coursers they painted a face,

And he farted, and Shit in his pants, and called them by name;

“Now, anal sex! now, vampire smile! now, ugly teen and little russian pussy!

On, funny ejaculate! on jimi hendrix! on, jesus fucking christ and john holmes is a pussy!

To the top of the nude camp! to the top of the mudfall!

Now anal rape! anal rape! anal rape them all!”

As rotting teeth that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with a tubgirl, mount to the sky,

So up to the tree man the coursers they cum in my eye,

With the sleigh full of hot football gays, and granny midget porn videos too.

And then, in a tub full of seaman, I heard on the roof

The hot midget asses of each little russian nude.

As I drew in my nude 14 yo, and was fucking sick midgets,

Down the large hot asses bad newz kennel came with a bound.

He was dressed all in corn shit, from his big head to his hot anal,

And his russian whore wendy was all tarnished with redneck ejaculation.

A bundle of gay midget movies he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a dickchop explorer just opening his pack.

His redneck teeth — how they twinkled! his lard ass how merry!

His anal whores were like roses, his “corvette hotties” like a cherry!

His droll little cat teeth were drawn up like a little nudie,

And the bukkaki on his chin was as white as the midget ejaculation;

The naked picture of vanessa hudgens he held tight in his teeth,

And the hot anal women encircled his head like a nude midget;

He had a broad Jessica Lunsford and a little round hot highschool jock,

That shook, when spitting seman like a bowlful of flat russian whores fucking

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old gay redneck midget.

And I laughed when I saw him ejaculate, on Midgets dress like elves;

A wink of his hot teen sphincter and a twist of his adult diaper,

Soon gave me to know how to do anal sex;

He spoke about DRUNK GIRLS puking and went straight to his anal hurts,

And filled all the russian midgets; then turned with a double d midget whore,

And laying his crack pipe aside of his skinny midget,

And giving a nod, up the crack whore anal he rose;

He sprang to his john couey, to his tard midget gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like hot french hookers.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Burn in Hell, Mother Fucker, and i masturbated on your wife“.

Merry Christmas from all of us here at Hot Lard.

To read our other Mad Libs click here

October 2007, Book of the Month

Today’s BotM is COOKING WITH POOH. Unfortunately, this book is out of print. Time to hit the garage sales and flea markets!

September 2007, Book of the Month

In a new feature we like to call BotM, our first title is ANYBODY CAN BE COOL …But Awesome Takes Practice. Don’t worry jackasses, we beat you to it. We’re teh aw3s0me!

If you’re a teenager looking for ideas on how to screw up your chances at getting laid, be sure to check this book out at your local public library. If you can’t find it, don’t worry … here are some tips:

• Dye your unwashed, stringy hair with some peroxide. Be sure to go overboard.
• Visit your local Goodwill or D.A.V. and pick up some Guess? jeans.
• Bypass football practice to hang out with minorities.
• Keep that sweater that your Aunt Mimzy knitted for your 10th birthday. It’ll come in handy in high school.
• Join the drama club (swing choir, if you can ‘stomach’ it).

There you go folks, enjoy this month’s book and we’ll see you next time!