Demotivational Posters #40

Ok, two things here….

First, it has been a very long time since I have created any demotivational posters, so I’m sure these suck like your whore of a wife. Of course your whore of a wife sucks pretty good… just ask your neighbors donkey. So we’ll just say that they suck like you…. Where you’d only do it if you were forced to and you’d probably be pretty bad at it.

Second, I’m not really sure if this is truly volume 40 of the poster series. But I’m being lazy and don’t really want to check the site the see what number the last one was, so I figured, “Fuck it” I’ll just say its number 40 and run with it. Besides, if I skipped a few volumes, later on I can use those numbers and say they are the “LOST VOLUMES” and charge a shit load of money for them.

Not to say that our live stock….errrrrrrrrrr I mean devoted readers are stupid and gullible. I just think that I’m that much more smarter than you and could get one over on yah.

Enjoy, you turds.

Ervin

O-PORN-O’s

Hey Kids, Uncle Ervin here.

With the news that the cereal brand “Ochocinco’s” is giving out free porn with every box. (See link… http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5632476)  I decided that we here at Hot Lard should get into the morning nutrition business ourselves.

So I marched down to our Marketing & Advertising department and immediately walked up to the most senior person and whipped him to death to prove my dominance and then explained to the survivors my idea. They all agreed that it was brilliant.

So without further ado…

Just in time for Breakfast

It’s Ervin Shlopnick’s Barnyard O-PORN-O’s.

The healthy and nutritious cereal for kids that doesn’t forget about the Barnyard porn lover in all of us.

The cereal that offers good things like…. Ummmmmmmm…Oats? And………. Uh… wheat stuff…. I think there is like some vitamins…. Like…. C….B…..uh B69….M…. and Q

Plus fun and exciting things like, Donkey on girl insertion. Man on Chicken tongue kissing. Cow, Dog, Elephant, Platypus, Emu, Girl, Goldfish, and Dung Beetle group sex.

But don’t take my word for it…. Just listen to these testimonials.

Random Man on the Street: “When I am scoping out the local elementary school, I have a lot of downtime. So I fill that with O-PORN-O’s. It’s Porno-riffic”!

Random Woman on the Street: “O-PORN-O’s puts the “Rape” in Breakfast”.

Random Soccer fan on the Street: “It makes me feel better about all of the male-on-male oral sex I give”

So kids, get out there and get yourself some O-PORN-O’s right now….

Ask your mom…

Ask your Dad…

Ask the dead-beat your whore of a mother is sleeping with this week…

Mug your Grandma…

Just get some fucking money and buy this shit.

Mr Positive – 9/24/2010

Mr Positive says… “Rocks are harder than feathers because rocks are made from a rock like substance, where feathers are made from stuff that can make you fly. If I had to kill a cyclopes who has a runny nose and no pants… I’d go with the rock as my weapon of choice…… But would keep some feathers handy in case I had to fall back, fly away and fight another day”.

Mr. Positive 04/20/2010

Mr. Positive says, “Running a marathon is like baking a cake. No matter how tired you get.. there is cake at the end”.

Mr. Positive 03/13/2010

Mr. Positive says, “The older I get, the more I…. Sorry, what was I talking about”?

Christmas cards and wishes to make anyones heart sing with joy.

Please take this card as a token of our appreciation to you… Our wonderful readers… this Christmas holiday.

Yeah, I know, it is pretty much a piece of shit. I believe it took our art depart all of thirty seconds to slap the damn thing together and post it… I really hate those bastards and would like to see them all fired… or taste their own blood. But hey, what can one do? It’s hard to find an art department that will agree to wear full-body leather suits and ball-gags at work.

Beings this card sucks so much, I’ve decided to have the illegitimate children of our staff come up with their own sweet little Christmas cards for our readers. You can see them below.

Or if you like, you can view last years Christmas special here, http://hotlard.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/demotivational-posters-christmas-special/ because we are too cheep to do a new one this year.

Happy Christmas to you all…. Except you, yes you, you know who I’m talking about.

Ervin Shlopnick.

Managing Director of Smell My Finger and Tape Worm

Rio gets the Olympics, Obama fails…Again!

So after spending millions of dollars of the tax payers money to fly his Commander and Chieflyness, her first lady likeness and the Oprah-nator to some third-world shit-hole so they could  suck up to the IOC to get the Olympics (YAWN!) in Chicago…. It goes to Rio.

That was money well spent.  We didn’t even finish in the top two spots!!! Hell, they could have sent me, a sex starved midget with genital warts, and a one legged Asian hooker with turrets and we could have gotten the same results for a lot less money.

On second thought, from what I know of the IOC, my group may have won the bid.

What was the deciding factor that lost is for us???  Oprah wouldn’t give the chairman of the IOC anal. Dammit Oprah… Take one for the team!!!!

Who the fuck forgot to bring the Pepperidge Farm Cookies, the Wesson oil, and child prostitute for the IOC board?!?!?!?!?!?

Ahhhhhhhhhh….. it’s OK, nobody in this country really gives a rats ass about the Olympics anyway… They’re about as gay as Soccer… About.

Iowa Hawkeye Demotivation

We are still in prison…errrrrrrrrrrrrr I mean on vacation.

But after the bitch slap the Iowa Hawkeyes laid on the Penn State …. Ummmm, they’re called the Silly Little Bitches aren’t they???

Well any-who, I had to create a couple of posters to mark this great victory.

GO HAWKS!

We’re Away…

Click picture

Mr. Positive 07/16/2009

Mr. Positive says, “I think…. No wait, I believe…. Wait…. hmmmm I give up”.