We’re Away…

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Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Baby Head Cemetery

The only part of the baby that can not be consumed is the head. And it must be disposed of properly.

My Trip to Delieverance

I just came from a part of the country where “Deliverance” is not a movie…. It’s a way of life.

I guess I should have been scared, but I sort of liked the sheriff telling me, “You sure do have a purty mouth boy”

A Simple Gift of love

Sometimes a simple gift like a kiss, is all you need to say, “I love you”.

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ’Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ’You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ’You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your f….ing bran muffins.  We could have been here ten years ago!’

Letters to Hot Lard – WTF is that photo… again?

It’s time to dip into the Hot Lard mail bag and see what our loyal readers have to say.

This letter comes from “R” and once again we are being asked about our WTF photo post.

I am over intrigued with this picture. Where did you get it? I want to see the rest of the set. The animation is so realistic it actually scares me to doubt its authenticity.

Much appreciated.

R

Well “R” you little rascle let me tell you all about it.

Dear R

Before I purchased the, “Your a Big Pussy Weight Master 3000″, I was a somewhat tiny fellow. I was constantly getting picked on and called names like…

Hey You
and..
Muppet Head
and..
Tiny Waistline

It was horrible as you could imagine. So I purchased the weight machine in the hopes to work out on it constantly to become big, buff and ready for action. I would then take my new found masculinity and severely pound the heads in of all my enemies.

But I pretty much am a big pussy and the weight machine really did nothing for me so I constantly got my ass kicked during my youth. So I went into the Barnyard porn business and made millions. I hired a bunch of tough guys to pour milk on the sister of my biggest nemesis while making his retarded younger brother watch.

Today I’m a Priest

Thanks for the letter

Love and kisses
Ervin Shlopnick

Keep those cards and letters coming kids and we will reply… if we feel like it

Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Brush Your Teeth

Suddenly I have this uncontrollable urge to brush my teeth…

Nude…

With a sock puppet…

And donkey wearing a dress…

And a 55 gallon drum of motor oil…

And three nude Japanese hookers with whip crème on their elbows…

And midget who has two all you can eat coupons to Stuckey’s…

And a marginally retarded gopher with a soccer ball up its ass…

And a ….. Ah screw it, I’ll just beat off.

And think of monkeys

With pointy shoes and mustard.

(Midget Porn) Hot Lard Mad Lib Volume #9 (Midget Porn)

Hey kids!

It’s time for another happy happy joy joy Hot Lard Mad Lib. This is where we take all the search terms you snuggle muffins use to find our web site of rainbow kisses and ice cream sprinkle rain showers.  So as you rascals read along, you may find a word you used to look for that picture of two retarded midgets trying to have sex with a turtle. Or that site that shows somebody’s grandmother riding a horse… Or should we say, the horse is riding her.

So remember my group of monkey humpers, you wrote this.

Enjoy

Midget Porn and the Herpes princess

In the evening, Midget Porn likes to show his children demotivational posters of gay rape and large volume ejaculation on retarded midgets before they go to sleep. His littlest girl, Fat Thong asked if he knew any gay pirate porn stories he could tell. Midget Porn did not know of any, but he did know a good black hairy porn story he would tell her.

Once upon a time…

There was a fat girl with no teeth who liked to puke piss on hot girls butt cracks to get them to eat shit and slurp cum from a gay mans ass with a straw. She did this because she was unhappy with the fat ass whore that was ruling the land. She was an evil crack whore that liked camaro mullets, fat humor, and gay rape.

The only hope to free the kingdom was the brave and noble, Super Tard and his trusty sidekick man boobs. Together these two could ass rape any drunk babysitter that tried to anal probe hot gay naked emo boys and naked retards with their molester moustache. But first they had to stop anal leakage from destroying the midgets fucking festival of the shit pants tribe of the piss fucker people.

So the two heroes’s jumped on their fat ass hotties and masturbated all the way to the forbidden land of red neck boobs to find volunteers for the “blow job” party of the lard ass clan. It was there they met prince Shut the fuck up and his anal girls of the bikini crack round table. They were asked if they would join Midget Porn and Man Boobs in their quest for rick astley hot ass and sex initiation into gangs. They agreed and so the fat woman sucks balls brigade was born!

They rode through all the villages to wipe out fat people in public and gay midget porn that had plagued them. Before long you could not find any overweight woman trying to get raped while drunk or pissed on by ugly fat people with anal bottles and rednecks who like anal. They made the evil doers puke cum on fat dudes in leotards, this way they would always have to show the mark of cum teeth justice.

The evil queen was not happy and fist fucked retarded swimsuit models with strawberry shortcake and bad teeth. The people cried out, “When will the girl without bra take her glass full of piss and face paint the fat nigerian hotties”? All hope appeared to be lost… Until can i has cheezburger showed up with fat american whore and butt sex to do battle with the queen for the right to anal rape Rainbow Bright.

The battle was long a brutal; some much fat porn and batman sex was lost. But in the end the retard sniffing a dogs butt would prevail. And all the gay midgets cheered. The double D Chinese hooker had been saved and gay astronaut anal sex would once again rule the land.

The shit, fuck, piss, End

You can see our other mad libs here

Hot Lard has the nude photos of Lindsay Lohan

I have heard all the buzz about these photos of Lindsay Skank Junkie Hoe Lohan posing nude with a Marilyn Monroe (another skank) look. And of course like any red blooded American male, when there is a chance to gawk at the naked body of someone my daughter used to watch when they were a child star, I’m going to jump at the opportunity.

As I thumbed through them I couldn’t help but think to myself…. “hmmmm boy she looks like 20 miles of bad road. So that’s what a crack whore looks like naked.” Well I guess I’ll go back to my barnyard porn site, at least the actors there (the donkey, sheep and pigs) are pretty.

But hey , don’t let me ruin it for you. Take a look and shrivel your dick for yourself.

Enjoy

http://media.nymag.com/fashion/08/lindsay-as-marilyn/index3.html

http://media.nymag.com/fashion/08/lindsay-as-marilyn/index6.html

http://media.nymag.com/fashion/08/lindsay-as-marilyn/index7.html

http://media.nymag.com/fashion/08/lindsay-as-marilyn/index8.html

http://media.nymag.com/fashion/08/lindsay-as-marilyn/index9.html

I don’t think my dick will get hard for a week now.