My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Good Barnyard Porn

I believe that good barnyard porn starts with a kiss.

Sometimes you just need to write it down

If you want something, but don’t know how to ask for it…

Write it down.

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Daddy’s Worst Nightmare

Ummmmmmm, Sweety…. Why is there a black man in your bedroom?

Opposite of FAIL, Public Blowjob

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While not exactly perspective-accurate, I got to hand to the person who found his inner-genius and snapped this photo.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge; perhaps the guy has a two meter dick that was hanging off the left.

Guess that would make TWO of us in the world with the gift.

Actually, now that I think about this for a moment … I’ve determined that this guy must have a pencil dick because his trousers are still buttoned.  Therefore, he must have slipped his tubestick though his zipper.  Everyone knows that a two-meter dick would have to be at least one meter in girth.

This would be one scary-looking penis!!

I think I’ve talked too much about this already.  Time to go cleanse myself and stare at some boobies.

Letters to Hot Lard – WTF is that photo?

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Hey kids,

It’s time once again to dip into the Hot Lard mail bag and read a letter from one of our happy little readers.

Today’s letter comes from Austin, and it reads…

Subject: Very curious

Hello,

There is an image at http://hotlard.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/wtf2.jpg that has intrigued us to no end.
What the fuck is that?  Is the muppet-like character from a movie or what?  Any information on the topic would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Austin

Hey there little Austin. Thanks for the letter, and here is your response.

Austin,

Thanks for the email. We always love to hear that someone is actually reading our stuff.

I found this photo in my mothers panty drawer, (Don’t ask what I was doing there). It was in a envelope marked, “Ervin’s real 12th birthday”. On the back of the photo there was writing saying, “He must never find out about this! Hail Satan! All praise Checkers, the squirrel overlord of the underworld”.

So I’m guessing it has something to do with gardening and the weed weasel.

Hope this helps

Ervin Shlopnick

Thanks again Austin for your very good question.  Keep those letters and cards coming kids!!!

C-130 vs Bald Eagle

Freedom Stew!!!

This U.S. Air Force C-130 was flying near Tacoma, Washington when it collided with an bald eagle.  The pilot got splattered with blood.  The C-130 and eagle landed together, but only the C-130 was still alive.

The plane commander requested a change of pants!

The last pic probably should be captioned … “you gotta be fucking kidding me!!!“

Who’s up for chicken?

Opposite of FAIL; Success!

The rage these days seems to be pointing out obvious failures in daily life.  As much as I enjoy these, I think it is time the Hot Lard staff point out some not-so-obvious successes you may have overlooked.

To get things started, here is a success story:

Here we see Tom Cruise has successfully recruited everyone’s favorite alien killer into the cult of Scientology!  So, our deepest and most-sincere congratulations go towards Tom Cruise!

Coming up next … Katie Holmes.

Hot Lard has passed the 100K mark!

On behalf of the entire Hot Lard staff, we would like to thank all 4 or our readers for getting us over 100,000 hits.

A Hot Lard Best Wishes to Mr. F – The True Face of Evil

It’s not often that you can look at the face of evil and live. But here it is…

Yes folks, this is the true face of evil. Meet Mr. F. This distinguished gentleman has reserved himself a very special place in hell for his actions. What this “Father of the Year” candidate did was kidnap his 18 year old daughter in 1984, hold her prisoner, repeatedly raped her and father his own grand children with her for 24 years.

Let’s slow this down for a moment

I want to make sure you all understand the amount of time we are talking about here. I said 24 years… That’s not 24 days, or 24 week, not even 24 months. 24 FUCKING YEARS!!!!. Here is a list of things that have taken place in that period of time to help you understand the extremely long amount of time this girl was tortured by this demon.

In 1984…
Regan was president…
The Cold war was still very cold…
Microsoft was not a house hold name…
Gas was 80 cents a gallon…
The Key-Tar ruled the music world…
Made in Japan ruled the day
American cars sucked…

Since 1984…
Two Shuttles have blown up…
Microsoft now rules the world with an iron fist…
There have been 24 Super Bowl champions…
There have been 23 MLB champions…
Kiss has had like 16 reunion tours…
There has been 4 president… From three different families.
Made in Japan has been replaced with Made in China…
American cars still suck…

Ok, so now I think I have made myself clear. For 24 YEEEEEEEEEEEEARS Mr. F. (That is what the police are calling him) (I believe the “F” is for “Fucking my daughter and loving it”) has imprisoned and raped his own flesh and blood and fathered 7 of his own grandchildren. The story goes on to say that it is hard to get information from this man’s…. errrrrrr oops I mean this Hitler Youth’s daughter because she is somewhat disturbed.

YAH THINK!?!?!?!?!?

If you would like, please take a moment a read up on Satan’s right hand man here.

My God, what fucking thought process does this guy use to condone such an act for this period of time.. AND DOING IT TO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!!!???!?!?!?

Mr. F: “Hmmmmmmm, well the garage has been cleaned out and I removed the leafs from the gutters, the garden has been watered and I have fed the dog… What should I do now? I guess I could watch some Soccer… Or I could always pop on down to the torture chamber and ram my penis into daughters anus for a while”.

All I have to say is that I’m glad this poor excuse of a human being will be getting a dose of his own medicine.

After his (hopefully short) trial, this abomination will be thrown in a damp, dark, cell, (Like the one he kept his daughter in). And will hopefully be treated much the same way as he treated his daughter. In other words I’m hoping his dance card will always be filled…  I see that some of you still have a blank stair on your faces. Let me put this in a way you may understand. I’m hoping the other inmates (All of them) spend the next several years gang raping this piece of shit. I hope he is force to have some much (Forced) anal sex that his ass could be used as a blimp hanger. And he has to swallow so much “Man Goo” no amount of mouthwash will be able to remove the taste. (As I’m sure no amount of therapy will be able to remove the 24 years of horror this girl had to live.) Do you get me now?

In closing; enjoy your time in prison Mr. F. Because it will be nothing compared to what the devil has in store for you when you are invited to his love kingdom.

Demotivational Posters Volume #16

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Once again it is the Friday and I need to create something to tide all of our faithful readers over for the weekend. I was thinking about giving a complete and thorough book review of War and Peace. But that would take time and… Ummmm, require the ability to read I guess. So I thought I would do the safe thing and just make fun of some photos I found on Tinypic.com.

Enjoy,

This last one is a test. To see if you are a pussy or not.