My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – Windows Vista

My new PC has Windows Vista installed on it. I’ve tried working with it for about a week or so….

Now I know what forced male on male anal sex must feel like.

Tyrone Spellman Found Guilty for 3rd Degree Murder

The verdict is in … Tyrone ranks up there with the worst of the worst.

Backstory

It’s 2006 in Philidelphia, PA and Tyrone is chillin’ in his crib playing some Xbox 360 with his brother.  It must’ve been a good game because when his 17-month old daughter accidentally knocks over his 360 and breaks it, he goes ape-shit and beats her to death.  Once Tyrone comes to his senses, or what’s left of them, he decides it would be a good idea to stage her death so he moves her into another room and places a barbell next to her.

I won’t bore gross you to death with the details you can read about here or here or here …

Commentary

Nice try dipshit.

If you ask me, 3rd degree murder isn’t harsh-enough.  The dude killed his own kid for Christ’s sake!  C’mon!

MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE IN HELL YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH MOTHER-LESS COCKSUCKING DOG-DICK FUCKING CUM-GUZZLING FUCKING DILLHOLE.

Why You Need a Friend While Drinking

Some you may have already seen; others might be new.  Nonetheless, all teach us a valuable lesson … no matter where you are, if there is alcohol present, so is a digital camera.  Take a friend along to prevent such occurrences (except if you’re a horny chic that is dying to show her massive rack).

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

For all the fathers out there with a daughter, Hot Lard (namely, Count of Flanders Butwheaty) found this excellent questionaire for your daughter’s potential date to read and sign.

This is a highly-informative list of questions used to screen a potential low-life from infiltrating your sacred daughter’s life.

In addition to helping dads of daughters, this list can also be used for dads of boys.  This is an excellent guide for your young boy.  Now granted, memorizing this list is no guarantee your little shit-ass will be allowed to date my daughter, it is merely a guide for how to model his young life.

If nothing else, it will scare douche bags away from even considering to deflower our beautiful daughters.

Download Now

My Thoughts by Ervin Shlopnick – The Ecstasy of Fire

I believe that fire is a living thing….

It needs air to breath and food to eat. Plus let’s not forget love. A fire needs the love of its maker to feed it and make sure it has enough air to grow and consume.

Fire in return can give love back to you…

It can heat your home and cook your food, this is how fire shows its gratitude for your caring.

It is also really good for burning witches…

Like my girlfriend. I just found out the other day she was a witch when she cut off this guy on the highway and he yelled out his window that she was, “Some kind of witch”. I knew at that moment what I had to do. Thanks to that alert driver we had uncovered another witch and she had to be destroyed the only way a witch can be…

Burned at the stake…

With fire….

Loving fire…

Caring fire…

Wonderful …… JESUS CHRIST HER SCREAMS ARE GETTING IRRITATING!

Hmmmmmmmm, Now that I think about it, that driver may not have referred to her as a “witch” at all. Maybe he said “bitch”…. Or he may have said, “Hey Nancy, you cut me off but that’s OK, just be a little more careful next time”.

Boy Howdy, would my face be red if that were the case.

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – Signs You’ve Crossed the Line

Chances are, you had no idea what it would taste like until you actually tried it.

Yep, tastes like shit!

A True Sense of Accomplishment

To get an idea of what it means to truly feel good, you need to tackle a large obstacle.  Here are some things that make me feel good.

As the image you see shows, finishing one of these badass Hardees monster thickburgers makes me bubbly inside.   It takes quite a man, or beastly woman, to polish off a half-pound of angus beef.  You know the best part is that this massive slob of beef is nearly the best pipe cleaner known to mankind.  Not even Super-Lax can brag about that.  Douse that monster burger with a large Coke and you’ve concocted a recipe for disaster, which brings me to my next item.

After a while, the inevitable happens.  Like Barney after guzzling a pint of Moe’s finest, you gotta let loose.  The typical fast food meal wouldn’t be complete with just the burger … add curly fries and a gargantuan Mr Pibb and you’re sure to be the life at your 1:30 meeting with your largest and most-important customer.  Be certain you’ve order the burger with onions (not shown above) as they add that little extra you want to be sure the customer can smell.  Sort of think as onions as a Marshall amplifier that goes to 11.  If you want or need that extra push, the onions are there to give you whatever you need to get the job done.

If you’re like me (and I suspect if you’re here reading Hot Lard, then you are) then the next-best thing to shoving a monster burger down your throat is letting one exit your body.  I must admit, there are times when a good shit is better than sex.  Maybe it’s the sheer mass exodus of, well, mass that is forced through your rectum that gives us all that yummy sensation.  It is said that taking a nice shit is analogous to getting your taint fondled during sex?  What the fuck?  I never heard anyone say that.  I totally just made that up.  Seriously.  The picture you see is one type of bodily shit release that feels good … the kind that sprays and stains the porcelain of a normal toilet.  An equally good shit that coils like a 10-foot rattler on a hot summer day in Arizona is freaking sweet.  I’ve been tempted to whip out my cellphone camera on many occasions to document such freak occurrences.  The hard part is finding someone appreciative of such handiwork.

Well, that’s all folks.  If you get a chance to try some of my techniques, let us know how it works out for you.  If you create your own masterpiece in the shitter, take a picture of it and email it to us (be sure to follow our simple email rule shown above-right).  Boobs works too.  We’ll share it with everyone.

I am Count of Flanders Butwheaty.  Later…

Hot Lard Kodak Moment – The Cute Puppy

Awww, cute puppy

WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!!!

Fun facts from Infection Control

During an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects – while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples’ anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY…
.and wash your damn hands!

Ervin Shlopnick’s email exchange with Pam White of HD Publishing Group

It has been some time since I have replied to anyone offering me riches and wealth through my Gmail. It’s not that I have not been getting these emails, it’s just that I’ve been so darn busy with work. Like……………  Well there is……………….. I had to………………

 OK, I’ve been busy hiding the bodies and masturbating myself blind.

 Anywho, the staff at Hot Lard received an email from Pam White of the HD Publishing Group who is offering us…….. ummmmmmmmmm……………. She was either trying to sell us something or offer us a job. Beings I pretty much own everything I need and no job could improve on my position of a barnyard porn mogul. I felt it necessary to come out of retirement and fuck with Pam.  Below you will see the email we received from Ms. White and my response.

Subject:

Great Synergy and Opportunities

Dear WordPress:

A strategic and comprehensive search for great affiliates with sites
that fit our niche, has brought us to you via your site at
http://www.wordpress.com/tag/background-check/.

Since 1996, HD Publishing Group has been fortunate enough to have one
of the # 1 rated websites for search related inquiries on the web – Net
Detective.  Because of our tremendous success and longevity, we’re
continually looking that that fresh new face to join with us as we
continue to bring our product to the thousands of new Internet users
who enter the market each day.   That’s why we’ve chosen to contact you
directly and give you a brief overview of what our product can do to
bring your affiliate marketing business to the next level.

* 69% commission from the 1st sale

* Long time trusted products

* On-time trusted payouts

* VIP commission schedules avaialble

* Custom landing and order pages

* Fresh Articles and Banner Creatives

* New Landing page templates monthly

* 120-Day cookies

* In-house Affiliate Manager

* Great Converting Search product updated monthly

All this adds up to continuous high conversions and maximum dollars in
your pocket!

Join https://www.hdpublishinggroup.com/affiliate_signup.php HD
Publishing Group today and start earning the type of income you deserve.

I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,
Pam White
HD Publishing Group
HD Publishing Group – Affiliate Signup, Affiliate Program Sign Up
pam@affiliatesuccess.net

Here is my response to Pam’s offer of putting maximum dollars in my pocket. 

Subject: My Reply to your Great Surgery Opportunity

Dear Pam White,

 I’m afraid that Mr. WordPress is out of the office. This is the week he goes to local Jr. high schools to talk to the kids about the evils of Internet publishing companies and rectal thermometers. He also uses this time to get his son a date to one of the many Sadie Hawkins dances the schools are having. Personally I think his son should be doing this himself. At the age of 37 he should know by now how to get a date with a 14 year old.   

So at this time you will be dealing with me, Ervin Shlopnick. May I call you Peaches? I feel much better working with someone who I have given a name to. My secretary is called “Stupid Lisa” and my wife has been given the name “No Daddy No”.  Peaches, I feel that you and I could make a great team and with your brains, resources, business knowledge and my dirty underpants collection. I think we could be ruling the Internet with an iron fist in no time.

I am very excited in learning what you have on at this moment, plus I’m some what interested in your offer. I do however have some questions.

120 days of cookies. Do I get to choose the type of cookie (chocolate chip, oatmeal, ect) or do you send me a different box every day?

Do I have to give room and board to the in house manager? Am I responsible for feeding him…. Or would it be a her? If it is a her, and she is smart, witty and works without pants? I’ll take care of all her needs personally. 

Can the Net Detective help me find out if my girlfriend is cheating on me? She says she is just going to workout every day and that is why she comes home all sweaty. But that doesn’t explain the male ejaculate in her hair. I’d love to have the net detective to take some photos of her and show them to me while we eat the 120 day old cookies and double team the in house manager.

What does the “HD” of HD Publishing Group stand for? Is it:

Hum Dinger (That would be awesome)

Hump’em Dry

Hard Dingdong

Hands Dirty

Hardcore Downloads

Hate Date

Happy Drifter

Hole Diggers

Homo Domo

Heavy Drinkers

I’d also like to know a little bit about you personally. When is the last time you showered?  Does your breath ever smell like old feet? Do you like putting live things in your pants?

Boy Howdy, I feel like we’ve known each other for years. So when can I come over to your house and eat some of your food? I’ll tell you all about Aunt May and her inner thigh boils. Can you make some food that has bananas in it? I really like bananas…. About as much as I like burying things in the woods at 3 am. But that is for another time and when we become lovers.

Looking forward to seeing you in my mothers orange jumpsuit.

Ervin Shlopnick

Assistant Associate Managing Director of Internal Affairs and Monkey Tricks.

Hot Lard Inc.  

Will let you know what response we receive from good ole Pam.