Nigerian Email Scams, Don’t be a dumb ass! (A Hot Lard PSA)

We here at Hot Lard like to have fun. But we also have a serious side. And that is what I would like to show you now. We have posted several e-mails of us having fun with people trying to scam us out of our hard earn dollars. We can do this because we are smart, we know there really is not 10 million dollars waiting in a bank vault somewhere to be just picked up and taken away. We hope that these posts have given a good many of you a nice laugh and put a smile on your face.

However the whole reason for these e-mails scams is because there is a large group of you retarded fuckers out that that believes money falls from the sky and by just reading the shit that is in your inbox can make you rich. It is because of you dumb asses that exhibit the intelligence of a fruit fly that all of us other smart people get so many of these God damn e-mails. We here at Hot Lard would like to help you numb fucks to save the money you earn with your job flipping burgers. So we have come up with the “Don’t be a dumb ass” email course. It is our hope that after taking this course, you really stupid bastards will understand that anyone in Africa that is offering you millions of dollars is not telling the truth. We understand that those of you with an IQ of a can of cream corn may have trouble believing this, but it is true.

Once again this is meant for the truly retarded readers that we have. You smart folk may skip this and go look at some of the wonderful naked pictures we offer for your viewing pleasure.

Lesson 1: You’re a Dumb Ass

Yo dumb ass, you are not a millionaire for a reason. You’re a slacker that can not make anything over minimum wage. If you have not made your millions by now, chances are pretty damn good you will never make it. You work fast food for a reason and that reason is because you are a stupid bastard that thinks they can make millions of dollars on the internet. You’re to fucking dumb to create something like Google or E-bay (Actual money making thingies from the internet), hell your to stupid to remove your pants before you crap. The country of Nigeria will not make you rich! They are even poorer than you are Skippy! Defiantly to damn poor to give you 10 millions dollars. Don’t fucking reply to these e-mails, you’re not smart enough. Take my word for it, I know because you’re reading this right now, rather than looking at naked pictures with all the smart people.

Lesson 2: Money is not free.

Believe it or not, you actually have to work for your money. Especially millions of fucking dollars. You will never have someone walk up to you and offer you millions of dollars for nothing. Chances are you will have to do some sort of gang bang video with live stock to get this cash. I bet that when all is said and done, your work will be so poor they won’t pay you.

Lesson 3: Email lies!

You can not believe Anything you read in your inbox. Anything that is given away for free…. IS NOT REAL!!! No one has 10 million dollars that is just lying around and needs to be placed somewhere else. All money of that large a sum is well accounted for and will not be given to you!!! Second, that e-mail you got from your girlfriend saying she was only friends with that guy… Big fat fucking lie, she fucked him in every position imaginable until he went cross-eyed. Then let him paint her face while you were visiting her sick mom.

Lesson 4: ??????

Lesson 4 is by far the most important lesson of all. I have a proposition for you on getting this information and at the same time helping me out.

As of this time I am setting on some fiancés that was left to me by my dear departed uncle and I would like some help moving this cash to another bank. But do not want to let the IRS know about it. If I could get you to help me I’m sure I could give you the information for lesson 4, plus I will offer you 45% of the cash. So what do yah say pal?

I need your…

Full Name :

Address:

Phone Number:

Bank Account numbers:

Favorite color:

Blood type:

Urine sample:

Number of Children

Favorite barn yard animal:

Number of toes you could live without

Also need a check for $650.00 made out for transfer fees.

Thank you very much. I and my very sick daughter are waiting to hear from you.

Nigerian email Scam #57

Here is yet another scam e-mail sent to yours truly. I really wish they would think of something new. Or at least get another Russian whore to write to me. I really miss those….

But wait there is a new twist to this one. Can you figure out what it is?

Subject: Attention Harry Crotum contact the bank immediately

Attention, Harry Crotum

Greetings,

I write to seek your services in a private and confidential matter regarding some funds unaccounted for in our bank here in Ghana during the last 2006 business year. As a Regional Manager in this Bank, I deposited this fund in an ESCROW ACCOUNT at our headquarters pending when I shall get a reliable person. This requires a private arrangement. Could you perhaps be able to receive these funds under legal claims then I will fill you in. I will appreciate for fewer questions asked and your participation will be 30%of the total money.

There are practically no risks involved, the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law, it will be simply a bank-to-bank transfer. I have all the details and will fill you in if you are really willing. Your major role would be to provide an existing account or open a new bank account where the funds will be transferred and stand as the original depositor of this fund in our bank,as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business trusting in you and believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.

At this juncture, I wish to tell you what prompted me to package this deal.I have a 9yrs old daughter who has leukemia, a disease of the blood, and she needs a bone marrow transplant or she will die. I want this transplanting to be done in any good children’s hospital in your Country, if there is one.Once this fund is transferred into your account, I shall resign from my job and bring my family to start a new life in your country all correspondences will be via email for now.

The funds in question are quite large,Ten million ,eight hundred and fifty thousand United States Dollars ($10,850,000.00). I will expect a straight answer from you. If yes, please get back to me with your full name, address, private phone and fax number so that we can work out the modalities without further delay including your phone number for easy communication..

Reply through my secure email address: mrrkaddo@yahoo.com.mx

With best regards,

Mr.Richard Kofi Addo

The old Sick Daughter scenario. They are trying to pull on the ole heart strings.

Hmmmm let’s see, what first reply should I use??? I should really say something about his sick daughter.

Dear Robert and Sick Daughter

I’m sorry I just woke up. What the hell do you want again? I’m not doing any of those damn, “Walk for life” things.

H.S.C

Robert must have had to spend time with his sick daughter, because it was over a week before I heard anything.

Dear sir,
I thought i sent you next procedure but up till now i have not heard from you again.Please tell me if you have received it or not so i can know what to do next and if you are no more interested then tell me so that i will let another person with a similar name to cash and claim fund in his/her account to enable me take care of my sick daughter,just for the fact that i am in need of my allowance concerning this transaction.

Thanks,

Mr.Richard Kofi Addo
Tel: +233 207 461003

Wow the old “Sick Daughter” ploy was used again. You know, this could be the real deal and I could actually be helping out a sick little girl, I had better get back with him quick.

5 days later…

Dear Robert “Father of the year”

I’m afraid I never received anything from you. How is your sick daughter doing? I am sick too, my poo smells really bad.

H.S.C

We must have really bonded on the sick daughter conversation. Because he is all business now and wants to get me rich and into hot tubs full of naked nuns with cans of whipped cream who are not afraid to use it. Oh and help… his… sick…ummmmm .. what ever that fuck you call it.

________________________________________
Dear sir

Thanks for your positive reply. I will like you to fill the drafted letter including your identification prove immediately to the payment office in London and a copy to me to enable me have a file in your name as the bonafide depositor of this fund.

However, I am forwarding below the contact of the payment officer in London to pay the fund to you because in africa here, we have a lot of security agent monitoring the movement of huge amount of money going out of ghana via bank transaction and i wouldnt want anything that will hold this fund on the process.

All you need to do is always be in touch and do not hesitate to update me in any single communication you will have with the Centurion Access Bank London because i shall monitor the activities to ensure everything goes well for better record here.

Below are the bank contacts.

Contact Officer: Mr. Paul Williams.
Centurion Access Bank.
90 Cannon Beck Road
London, SE16 4E1 U.K
Phone: 00-442070602328, 442071830365
Fax : 00-442071830365
Email: pwilliams@centurionaccess.com

Try as much as you can to call the bank after sending them email and reverse back to me. Remember your entire total amount to be release now is US$10,850M. You should let the bank know that your file was transferred to them from Mr.Richard Kofi Addo Of Ecobank Ghana Ltd.

Feel free to call me ( +233 207 461003) as soon as you communicate with the concern bank in London because i want to know every step and communication with you from London since it will be more better and also gave you more confidence to deal with people from London.

Thanks

Mr.Richard Kofi Addo

KINDLY FILL AND SEND THE BELOW DRAFTED LETTER TO THE BANK IN LONDON
…………………………………………………………………………..

From Harry S. Crotum

Attn: Mr. Paul Williams
Centurion Access Bank London.

Subject: instructed by Ecobank ghana Ltd
Date: …….. September 2007

Dear Mr. Paul Williams,

I was adviced by Mr. Richard Kofi Addo of the Ecobank Ghana Ltd. to contact you for the release of my fund US$ 10,850,000.00 (ten million eight hundred fifty thousend US Dollars) to be transfered to my bank account at the ………………….in Bank Address: ………………….

I give you my particulars and wait for your respected advice how to following up for the immediatly wire transfer of that fund.

If you need further information, please do not hesitate to contact me with my contact particulars below.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Harry S. Crotum

My name: …………………………………
My address: …………………………………………
My phone home: ……………………………………
My private cell phone: ………………………………….

My Bank: ……………………………….
Bank address::…………………………………..,
Account No: ………………………………
Account name:…………………………
swiftcode: ………………………………

I attached My passport as prove of identification.

You know, I think I will use this money for good… right after I get that anal assassin 3000. Better yet, I’ll just lie to him and see if I can pull a few heart strings myself.

Mr. Richard Coffee Alpo
This is all very confusing; I’m not sure what is happening here. Are you really offering me 10 million dollars?
Wowsers, that is a lot of money. The children at the home will be very surprised when I tell them this. You see we were about to lose our lease and be sent out on the street. But you have answered our prayers and given us salvation. Now little Timmy can have that operation without having to sleep with Mr. Jinkins to get the money.
So what do I have to do? How long will this take? Did you know that you can actually light a cows fart?
The information you need is as follows:
Name: Harry S. Crotum
Address: 1647 Brokeback Mountain Ln, Scurvy Hills Utah.
Phone: Is disconnected right now. But I’m sure we can get it turned back on to talk with you. I’ll work on getting that done. We’ll just have to use the money we would have used to get the babies formula. But they will be rolling in that crap when we get this money.
Bank Information: The home does its business at the First Mormon Bank. I’ll have to talk with Mr. Jinkins to get the account number. However I do believe it may have a 6 in it. Does that help you at all? Is there a way you could just mail me the check?

Please let me know what I need to do to get this money and save the home. Also I have attached a picture of little Timmy. The boy who you saved from a night of anal intrusion.

Thank you & God bless
H.S.C.

Little Timmy

Just sent this out today. Hope to get a response back soon. For little Timmy’s sake.